Couple Tidbits: Listening Skills

Cmdr. Brenda Gearhart, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

As a social worker, I’ve counseled many couples and taught classes on the subject of relationships. In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’m writing a series of “Couple Tidbits” articles throughout February, highlighting techniques to help strengthen your relationships. While these basic tips are useful for any couple, military couples may find them particularly important to remember because of added stresses such as deployments, reunions, frequent moves and injuries.

This article is the second in the series.

U.S. Air Force Capt. Jason Corrigan, a B-1B lancer bomber pilot with the 37th Bomb Squadron, hugs his girlfriend at Ellsworth Air Force Base, S.D. after returning from his deployment to Southwest Asia. (U.S. Air Force photo by Airman 1st Class Matthew Flynn/Released)

“You never listen to me!” is a common complaint in many couple relationships and if not dealt with, the outcome is often unpleasant. Usually if someone isn’t listened to, they talk louder and louder, or they stop talking and withdraw. Neither is healthy.

Listening is a learned skill that needs practice. How many times while your partner has been talking have you found yourself formulating a response before they are even finished? Or perhaps you are thinking about something totally unrelated and not even paying attention!

Active listening means listening for meaning, with a goal of understanding. I often do an exercise when working with couples in which one person holds a pen, and is the only one allowed to speak. The other person must listen while the partner speaks. The listening partner will then take the pen and re-state what they feel their partner was saying. The couple then reverses roles.

U.S. Navy Lt. j.g. Alejandra Langhorne is welcomed home by her husband in San Diego, Calif. during the USS Sampson homecoming. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class George Labidou/Released)

When the couple speaks, they must use “I” statements that reflect how they feel. For example, rather than saying “you are a jerk,” they may state, “I feel angry when you tell your friends personal things about me that I ask you not to share.”

After practicing and understanding “I statements,” they begin learning active listening skills. I usually start out teaching this skill by having them listen to each other about a topic that doesn’t cause conflict. For example, I may ask them to state what their dreams are for 10 years from now. Each listens and re-states. They usually do pretty well with this one.

As the topic moves to a source of conflict, often the one without the pen will jump in and start countering what their partner is saying. Other times, they are able to hold their tongue, but when it comes to re-stating what they heard there is a lot of sarcasm or “interpreting” in a negative way.

For example, one spouse may say, “I feel like I need a little down time when I get home from work before I dive into discussions or family activities.” If this is a source of conflict, the other spouse may state back, “so what I hear you saying is that you are more important than me” or they may say, “you don’t love me anymore” or, “when do I get down time?”

What if the spouse instead said, “I hear you saying that you feel overwhelmed when you first get home and need 15 to 20 minutes alone to decompress and then you would feel like you could be more involved, is that correct?”

This could lead to a more productive dialogue that focused on solutions rather than continuing as is. Also, asking “is that correct” allows for clarification if the partner misunderstood or didn’t understand clearly.

Try it at home and see how it works – ask your partner what he or she would like to be doing five years from now and really listen. Take turns and you might discover something new about each other.

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Find the first post of the series and other helpful blog entries for families here.