Couple Tidbits: Dealing with Conflict

Cmdr. Brenda Gearhart, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

As a social worker, I’ve counseled many couples and taught classes on the subject of relationships. In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’m writing a series of “Couple Tidbits” articles throughout February, highlighting techniques to help strengthen your relationships. While these basic tips are useful for any couple, military couples may find them particularly important to remember because of added stresses such as deployments, reunions, frequent moves and injuries.

This article is the third in the series.

Seaman Vernon Goodwin says goodbye to his girlfriend, Danielle, before leaving for a six-month deployment. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist Petty Officer 2nd Class Laurie L. Wood/Released)

One of the greatest difficulties in any relationship is handling conflict. Often we try to avoid it, or we blow up, or at the very least feel frustrated or resentful. Learning how to manage conflict is a skill that can be learned.

Set aside planned time to handle conflict or emotion-laden issues

Most of your time together should be positive and productive. For this reason, it is good to set aside planned times that work for both of your schedules to resolve conflicts. For example, you may decide that Sundays and Wednesdays after 9 pm are times when you are both free from other responsibilities and therefore are the times you will allocate, when needed, to discuss areas of disagreement or argument. This allows you to feel ready for problem-solving and allows you to compartmentalize the energy you will put into it, versus letting the issues permeate your everyday life.

Use the rest of your time to focus your energies on positive ways to reinforce the relationship. Go about your daily tasks, spend time talking about other topics and have fun! Of course, sometimes this approach won’t work, but when a decision doesn’t need to be made right away, scheduling a conversation may help you.

Communication do’s and dont’s

As I discussed in my last article, each of you must listen to the other.

If you find that you are becoming defensive or that the discussion is becoming heated, call a “time-out” and discuss the issue during another planned time. In the meantime, think about what went wrong during your last discussion and what new approach you should take. You have the power to change the dynamic of the conversation.

For example, it may be useful to note the points on which you agree. Think about how you are communicating. See if you are using any of the following communication “busters:”

• Judging, criticizing or blaming (e.g. “it’s your fault our finances are a wreck!”)
• Threatening (e.g. “if you don’t stop drinking, I am going to throw all of your stuff out!”)
• Disgust (e.g. “you are so stupid. I don’t know why I ever married you!”)
• Sarcasm (e.g. “that’s the answer; just leave. That always works.”)
• “Kitchen-sinking” (e.g. “not only do you not bring in any income, but you don’t cook well!”)
• “One-upping” (e.g. “you think your day was bad, let me tell you about mine.”)

U.S. Navy Electronics Technician 2nd Class (SW) William Boyd kisses his wife, Marie, before boarding the Whidbey Island-class dock landing ship USS Gunston Hall (LSD 44), Jan. 2010, at Joint Expeditionary Base Little Creek-Fort Story in Virginia Beach, Va. Gunston Hall Sailors were deploying to Haiti to provide humanitarian assistance and disaster response in the aftermath of Haiti's devastating earthquake. (DoD photo by Mass Communication Specialist 3rd Class John Suits, U.S. Navy/Released)

These communication patterns don’t help and put the other person on the defensive.

Try to truly understand your partner’s point of view, and look for areas of agreement. Go from there. For example, you both may agree that you need alone time and together time, but may disagree on how much of each to have. Come up with some options, agree on one and try it out. Come back in a week or two and see how it is working. If it is not working, focus specifically on the areas to talk about, and try something new.

Communication during deployments

Deployments are hard on any relationship and require effort to maintain closeness. This is not the time to bring up petty issues or issues that your partner can’t do anything about. As you think of issues that may be stressful to discuss long-distance, consider the following:

• Is this an issue that my spouse or partner can fix? For example, the person deployed may not be able to handle a landlord issue long distance. Think about other options you have, such as handling it yourself or asking for support from the family readiness group or base support services.
• Will this just upset my spouse? For example, is this the best time to tell your spouse that you’re unhappy in the relationship? Think about the reasons you are bringing this up now. Obviously, you can’t do much long distance to improve the relationship. Perhaps it is best to be specific in what you need to make you feel happier. (“When you say I’m a bad husband because I am always gone, I feel anxious about our relationship. I only want the best for both of us and hope we can stay connected even while I am gone. What do you think?”)

Keep in mind that communicating with the ones you love most is hard. Don’t take them for granted. Speak to them in the same way you want them to speak to you.

Enjoyed this article? Leave us a comment on our "Dealing with Conflict" blog entry.

Find the first post of the series and other helpful blog entries for families here.