Wonkette

Look at these ten losers — just absolute losers, these people, the Tea Party celebrities — with their cartoon video about going to Harry Reid’s empty bumfuck hometown to make catcalls about his critically injured family or whatever, and maybe have a few brews. And when stunts like this manage to knock the tepid, center-right, pro-life elderly Mormon majority leader out of office, we’ll be thanking these losers for saving us from Socialism and Communism. [YouTube]

FEED ME: Today is Wonkette editor Jim Newell’s birthday, so give him some money, thank you.

• A reporter for hot gossip emporium Yeas & Nays was “publicly berated” for asking Sean Penn why he wished a bout of rectal cancer upon her posterior. [Washington Examiner]
• The ACLU is suing a Mississippi high school that canceled its prom as a precautionary measure intended to discourage lesbian girls from attending its prom. The high school will inevitably argue that this is a perfectly legal thing to do, according to the Patriot Act. [Think Progress]
• Did you know that a frightful voice recording occasionally reminds Metro passengers not to smoke, even though everybody already knows smoking on the Metro is against the rules? Did you also know that George Orwell warned of such things in his best-selling book Liberal Fascism? [Weekly Standard]
• The Democrats are a bunch of lousy, bloodsucking zombie autObamatons (and that is why Eric Massa resigned, he prefers sucking other things.) Zing! [RedState]
• Never-ending and probably pointless health care reform negotiations will force the Obama family to reschedule their Islamic pilgrimage-spring break in Guam. [Daily Intel]

Tonight, Friday, March 12 through Monday, April 19: Improv is great. Fighting is great. And when you combine the two in a Fighting Improv Smack Down where 44 teams duke it out for improv glory, the product, well, is a great, hilarious evening of (violence-free) comedy. [Source Theater] MORE »

One of those daily teevee press releases that puts it all in perspective: gay sex/snorkeling stories about Eric Massa’s Navy career stopped being funny or even skim-worthy about 36 hours ago, and probably will not recover anytime soon. We’re delighted to offer cheaply-won publicity under these circumstances.

Residential real estate is back! “In a giant auction, the federal government has agreed to sell for pennies on the dollar most of the 120,000 formaldehyde-tainted trailers it bought nearly five years ago for Hurricane Katrina victims… Besides formaldehyde, units may be plagued by mold, mildew and propane gas leaks, FEMA acknowledged.” Well, our dizzying, oddly-vented shower unit that says “Auschwitz” on the side keeps erupting into spontaneous blue fires, only a few years after buying it at that underground German government auction. So maybe this FEMA thing is a good opportunity for your Wonkette to buy some new office space, no? [Washington Post]

Kind of feel sorry for this guy, who seems nice and energetic and whatever, and is good at math, but still: the president of the Detroit school board may be functionally illiterate. No, really: it took him 10+ years to get his college degree because he kept failing an English proficiency exam, the requirement for which he eventually got dropped, like last year. He had a .98 GPA in high school. He loves typing e-mails, though! Mass e-mails, to colleagues: “If you saw Sunday’s Free Press that shown Robert Bobb the emergency financial manager for Detroit Public Schools, move Mark Twain to Boynton which have three times the number seats then students and was one of the reason’s he gave for closing school to many empty seats.” Eh, still better than the average Politico commenter. [Detroit News via Byron Crawford]

THESE COUNTRIES ARE WITH THE TERRORISTS: Ooooh scary, NATO! “This month five European foreign ministers from Germany, the Netherlands, Belgium, Norway, and Luxembourg called on NATO to take steps to remove US tactical nuclear weapons from European soil.” Again Europe is hating our American imperial freedoms, specifically the freedom to stash hundreds of red-white-and-blue nuclear bombs in their sovereign countries, to ensure global freedom and Christianity. The American military empire is hilarious. Imagine if some foreign country kept hundreds of its operational nuclear weapons in Missouri or Ohio or wherever! Because you know those foreigns — loud, irritable… twitchy. Maybe life would be a little more exciting. [Matt Yglesias]

If the Senate actually wanted to pass a public option through reconciliation, it could be done, without much of a hot fuss. But (according to the easiest path) that would first require Nancy Pelosi to put one in the House reconciliation package, and she’s like nuh-uh: “‘We’re talking about something that’s not going to be part of the legislation,’ she said… ‘We had it,’ Pelosi said. ‘We wanted it. They didn’t have it. It’s not in the reconciliation.’” MORE »

We’re so glad that Lindsey Graham is leading the immigration reform push again, in this latest attempt to seal our terrible borders and treat illegal Mexicans humanely while still Punishing them. This is called GRAHAMNESTY GRAHAMNESTY GRAHAMNESTY and we wish Lindsey Graham were actually serious about doing it, instead of just using it as lame crybaby leverage over the health care bill. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
If you’re like most right-thinking Americans, you’re probably wondering, “What does the mainstream media have against precious, precious babies that have yet to choose to leave their mothers’ wombs yet, anyway? Why are these elitists all basically posting pleas on page A1 begging women to get abortions?” Well, it all boils down to economics: newspapers need readers, and it’s a well known fact that virtually all preborn babies are wholly illiterate. And once they are welcomed through their mothers’ vaginal gates, they make so many demands on their parents’ time that they don’t have time to read thoughtful columns by Richard Cohen or David Brooks either! And, since Wonkette would go out of business if we didn’t have Richard Cohen and David Brooks to make fun of, we too must get on that gravy train. After the jump: fetuses and their discontents. MORE »

Science proves that there is nothing wrong with people hot-tubbing in the nude near each other, even when one person is 28 and the other person is 15. In spite of this fact, some gal needed $150,000 to “heal” from the painful memory of being naked in a hot tub near Kevin Garn once, a long time ago. MORE »

HORRIBLE BUMMER: The Africkan Creature that ran through the streets of Atlanta on one memorable rush hour not too long ago has been put down. Apparently he messed up his hooves on his crazy walkabout, and they could not be fixed, and so he was killt. SAD. [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]