Glass Slippers Just Show Our Nasty Feet to Everyone

MissAmandaJane — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 20:25:19 +0000

I spent a bit of time this weekend thinking about love. Did you ever wonder as a child what the allure of the glass slipper was? I mean, I am sure it looks lovely on someone who doesn't ever move from one place. Like a dress form. Plus, you know that glass is transparent, so in theory you would have to have really nice feet. But let's consider for a moment how many of us actually have nice feet. Don't lie. Do you REALLY have nice feet?

And then lets remember how smashed up our toes get in a pair of normal shoes, no matter how scrubbed and polished they are. We don't see it and neither does anyone else, so we don't care. Now remember that glass doesn't breathe AT ALL. So what we have are perfectly visible, smashed up, sweaty feet. I can't speak for anyone else, but I know on a normal day I have the balance and grace of a drunk elephant. Those things would be chipped and broken before I got out of the car.

"Glass slipper" via Shutterstock.

Now this is what we are supposed to wear out with our dream man to dance and make everyone at the ball jealous? Oh, come off it. Cinderella's fairy god mother was a sadist.

But for some reason, we are all out there seeking Prince Charming anyway. We are squeezing ourselves into shit that doesn't fit... be it shoes, clothes or personalities... in hopes of catching ourselves a man that will complete us. We primp, we preen, we don't want anyone to see us without our masks of full makeup, hair dye, and tan. I myself gave up on the tan and the hair dye, but I admit quite freely to my make-up complex and complete insecurity. For the most part, it took me until I was into my thirties and already a divorced single mom before I started to come to grips with who I was inside and out, and there are a few things I have had to learn.

If you are a follower if my writing, then you already know my gripes with the world and their teeny, tiny perception of beauty. I will never be a size 2. Or a size 4. Or even a size 6 for that matter. Pre-pregnancy, I was a thin size 8. My genes have blessed me with long legs, a short torso, and wide hips and shoulders. It's damn near impossible to buy cheap jeans. As a kid, I probably looked kind of lanky. As an adult who has carried and birthed my son, I have filled out that frame and now despite still being a size 8, I am of the "curvy" variety... all boobs, butt, and hips.

I dieted, I jogged, I crunched. Weight Watchers, Atkins, starvation, cleanses, I have done my share of trying to mess with what I am. All it did was make me feel like garbage, inside and out. My health would suffer, and mentally I was never going to reach that unobtainable goal of being a size my body was never designed to be.

I like food! I love to cook, I love to bake, and nothing makes me happier when I AM in a relationship than to spoil the man good and proper with my kitchen abilities. I am not going to eat a salad unless I want to eat a salad. Fortunately, I really like salad! I am not unhealthy.

I exercise daily. I take a vitamin. I have no desire to look like Skeletor, Sally from the The Nightmare Before Christmas, or any other wispy thing that looks like it would break in a stiff breeze.

Then there are my insides. They have been a long standing work in progress. As someone who grew up battling depression and its many manifestations, learning to like yourself for who you are despite all of what I stated above. Society throws in our faces what they have deemed beautiful is, and when we don't fit that mold, we start to assume that love won't find us. We don't fit that standard of beauty, so who is going to think we are beautiful? It's a battle inside your mind at times about whether we stay true to ourselves and risk not being beautiful to everyone else, or doing what feels best and most like ourselves and saying FUCK IT to what everyone else views as "beautiful."

Somewhere in all that sea of "everyone" we tend to be concerned with are our potential partners, we rationalize, and that is why we have to care. But it's exhausting. At some point, we need to grow the fuck out of that. I did. In my thirties.

The mainstream changes from decade to decade, and I have never really been too good with following it anyway. I like to do what makes me comfortable in my own skin. A lot of my demeanor comes from the music that fuels my life, and that music tends to be on the more alternative scale, into branches of punk, ska, and heavier rock. So I look into the mirror and find a curvy, dancing, punk rock girl looking back at me and wondering if someone out there looks at the same thing and says "beautiful."

It's rather common. I am a woman. We all do this. We can say "I don't care what anyone thinks" until we are blue in the face, but if that was really true, cosmetics and fashion would not be the billion dollar industries that they are.

We do care. Those of us that are single don't necessarily want to die this way. So we seek our Prince Charming. But I think the biggest thing I have had to explain to myself, and to my friends at the same time, was that PRINCE CHARMING DOESN'T EXIST... and that's ok! What does is exist is us. Who we are. On the inside. Our heart, our soul, and that person we work to perfect. The person we seek is not a prince. The person we seek is a concept. What we seek is LOVE.

When we are little girls, we want the dream. We want the castle and smiles that never end and the fairy tale love that only makes sense until the first broken heart we encounter. Then we start on the process of learning that love is not a theory. Love is a living breathing concept that has to be fed and nurtured, or it will die. We usually don't learn this until we have had it and lost it. I know I didn't.

I had two engagements, one marriage, one divorce, and numerous broken hearts. I was duped, fooled, toyed with, played, and used. I was a rebound. I had a rebound. I took love apart into tiny little pieces and I put it back together, and I cried myself to sleep because it didn't look the same. I had love that I didn't know what to do with, and I let it fall apart and wash down the drain. I have been on the top of the world, and down in the sewer from the standard effects of love.

I read once that you can get the same effect from eating a lot of chocolate. I think the person that said this was heartbroken and probably a woman with PMS. There is nothing that compares to love when it is real, when it is reciprocated, and when it is brand new. There is nothing that hurts more than love when it falls apart. After we have had and lost, and had again and lost, we still search.

Even after we declare we would rather hypnotize ourselves into loving vagina (as my best friend and I have said on more than one occasion... then we remember that vaginas are weird) we still crave what we once experienced. So we keep looking for that Prince Charming. What I think we are really looking for is a concept, not a person. We don't actually believe that anyone is coming out of nowhere to sweep us away in bliss. What we want is that goofy smile Cinderella had as she danced. We want the birds to sing, and the music to play (even if only in our heads, and for me, probably Depeche Mode...), and the world to suddenly get warmer.

Love is real. The trick is to know that before love comes from anyone else, it has to come from inside of us. We have to love who we are before we will ever know what to do with someone else's love again. It gets harder as we get older and we have already been through our share of battles in this war to find happiness. But we can find it.

Stop looking outside.

Start looking inside.

My Take on Food Styling and Photography

Sixbittersweets — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 02:48:52 +0000

When I first picked up a DSLR camera and began photographing/blogging regularly, I never imagined I'd fall so head-over-heels in love with food photography and styling. Nor could I have predicted that less than 2 years later, I'd be getting such incredible support from my readers, and more recently, an increasing number of emails asking for photography advice. I have no idea if this comes across online, but I'm actually quite a shy person in real life. It's truly a testament to you all that I feel quite at ease writing this post today.

An early photo after realizing the value of food/prop styling

Please understand that I don't claim to be an expert in any of this (photography, styling, processing, etc.). What I do possess is a body of information collected through passionate observation, experimentation, and experience that will hopefully make the brave new world of food photography a lot more fun and less scary to you than it might otherwise be... So what are we waiting for? Let's get started!

Food Photography: At the Start

At this point you might be wondering why I chose to start a post about food photography with a collage of photos that are mediocre at best. The photos above are some of the first ones to have graced this blog. In fact the blurry shot of raspberry streusel bars at top left was the first food photo taken by yours truly to be posted here! The point of this collage is simply to emphasize that everyone starts photographing with no experience and little technical skill.

For me the importance of this is twofold. First, it makes the task of learning food photography or improving your photographs less daunting once you realize it's a skill to be mastered and honed through constant practice/study rather than some gift you have to be born with. Certainly some people are better at it like anything else. But to give an example, take a look at this early post by blogger/photographer/stylist Aran Goyoaga of Cannelle et Vanille. I bet her early photos are not so different from yours or mine. She had to learn the same basics as any other photographer in order to get where she is today.

Food Photography: 2 Years Later

Second, I think it's important to remember where we started off to maintain perspective on how we've grown. I've seen many bloggers complaining about how much they hate and hope to one day replace their early blog photos. If you're one of them, I hope you'll change your mind. There's no shame to showing the history of your development as a photographer, and at least for me, removing them would just feel like pretending to have been something I wasn't.

FOOD PHOTOGRAPHY

BASIC FOOD PHOTOGRAPHY EQUIPMENT

As I've mentioned before, I've used the Canon EOS Digital Rebel XS camera with the Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II lens for the past 2 years and for the majority of the photos on this site. Both are on the lower end of the price range for dSLR equipment. To touch briefly on the Point and Shoot (P&S) versus dSLR issue, I do wholeheartedly agree with the common saying that "it's not the camera, it's the photographer." So no, not even dropping several grand for a professional camera will allow you to instantly take amazing photos. BUT dSLR cameras do generally produce photos with noticeably superior clarity and color. And most importantly, they put an incredible amount of control in your hands. Yes -- it's an investment -- but one that's been more than worth it in the amount of joy, creative expression, and blogging success it's provided me.

Though the Rebel XS has served me very well, I'd recommend starting with a slightly higher-end model (like an XT or XTi/Nikon equivalent or even better if you can afford it) if you expect to be serious about photography. Regardless of the camera, I guarantee the 50mm lens is the best bang for your buck (at around $100) and won't disappoint!

Set-up for my Velvet Cupcakes with Cinnamon Cream Cheese Frosting

My other indispensable equipment for shooting food include:

a very affordable tripod (key for getting clear shots even in low light and to free up my hands); do make sure to get a tripod that can withstand the weight of your camera and lens(es) -- higher quality cameras tend to be heavier and you don't want your new camera crashing to the ground!
any sheer white curtain, bedsheet, or parchment/vellum paper (to diffuse natural light)
cheap white/black foam boards in various sizes from any craft store (used as light reflectors/absorbers)
cheap clamps from any hardware store OR any heavy tall object (to hold or prop up your reflector boards);
38-inch horizontal tripod arm extender (optional but very helpful to get overhead shots and squeeze into tight corners in my small apartment);
round 40-inch 5-in-1 flexible collapsible reflector (optional but useful for tight spaces and corners)

BASIC PHOTOGRAPHY LIGHTING AND SETUP

My main and usually sole source of light is natural light. I totally understand how limiting this is in terms of time, but natural light simply breathes life into photos in a way that's hard for artificial lights to provide (though a pretty good counter-argument has been made before). When I first started blogging, I was working a very busy job, but was still able to photograph with natural sunlight in the morning or on weekends. This is a personal preference and priority, but most of the blogs and tutorials I enjoy and linked below also use natural light in their photos. And since it is what I have experience with, this post will only discuss natural light food photography.

My window is fairly tall (almost 5 feet) and almost twice as wide. Since the window faces West, I find that my best hours for photography are between noon and 4:30 pm. My lighting setup usually involves styling my tabletop within 1-2 feet of the window (you can use any strong but diffused light source available to you). I usually prefer to soften the lighting to avoid harsh highlights or shadows, so I've taped large pieces of white parchment paper over my entire window to act as a diffuser. You can also use a sheer white curtain, bedsheet, or vellum paper.

Black paper held to the left to subtract light for more dramatic mood

I use white foam boards in a variety of sizes and a large round expandable reflector (see equipment list above) to bounce more light into areas of the photo where I want it (it's amazing how much of a difference these can make!). The expandable reflector has a silver side and a gold side to give a cooler or warmer tone to the resulting photo. To create a cheaper version of the silver reflector, you could simply wrap one side of a board in aluminum foil as a makeshift reflector. Likewise, I have black boards to subtract light and deepen shadows when that effect is desired (my friend Vera has a great post with photos on this technnique). To use either reflector, I start by positioning it about perpendicular to the table. Then, I may angle the reflector(s) down toward the food or up above the food and move the reflector(s) closer to the food or further away from it, taking photos of each and comparing results until I'm satisfied with the photo.

BASIC EXPOSURE AND CAMERA SETTINGS

To reach your photography potential and get the most out of your dSLR camera, you will need a basic understanding of exposure. Since there are already quite a few excellent posts on this from bloggers that are professional food photographers, I will only do a quick overview of this topic and direct you to their sites for more in-depth lessons with demonstrative photos =).

As illustrated in the diagram below, 4 main factors contribute to exposure (or the the amount of light that passes into your camera and onto the sensor): the amount of light in the scene and camera shutter speed, aperture, and ISO (light sensitivity). To keep this post from becoming a novel, this will be a very general overview with the emphasis being on the effects of each setting rather than the mechanics behind it (which I honestly don't completely understand anyway =p).

Image from Robert D. Ellis (larger view)

Shutter speed is probably the easiest to understand. It is the setting determining how long the camera shutter remains open to let light in and is measured in fractions of a second. Thus it makes sense that the faster the shutter speed, (such as 1/500) the darker the photo will be (assuming other settings aren't changed), and the slower the shutter speed (such as 1/4), the brighter the photo will be. Shutter speed is also important for capturing motion; a slow shutter speed will capture any movement (intentional or not) as blurring, while a fast shutter speed will "freeze" a moment of that motion clearly.

Aperture reflects the size of the lens opening that lets light into the camera while the shutter is open. Aperture size is expressed in “f-stop” numbers like "f/2.8." The smaller the f-stop, the larger or wider the aperture is. The larger the aperture/lens opening is (such as f/2.8), the greater the amount of light let in and the brighter the photo will be (assuming other settings don't change). The smaller the aperture/lens opening is (such as f/16), the lesser the amount of light let in. The aperture also determines the “depth of field” (DoF).This is the part of a photograph from front to back that is in sharp focus. A very small aperture will keep everything in the frame from near to far in focus (deep DoF). But a large aperture opening (but smaller f-stop!) will keep a small section of the photo in focus (shallow DoF). Large apertures produce photos with the blurry backgrounds that are so popular in food photography.

Moderately large aperture (f/4) to blur the trees outside the window

Finally, ISO is the camera's sensitivity to light. the higher the ISO is (such as 1600) the brighter the photo will be, the lower the ISO is (such as 100) the darker the photo will be (assuming other settings don't change). Increasing the ISO can be very useful for taking photos in low-light settings, but a high ISO also produces photos with more noise (dust-like specks/graininess). Thus, once you know how high your camera can go before the noise becomes visible, you should keep your ISO below that number (unless you are seeking the grainy look for artistic effect).

If the technical terms are still confusing you, here is a metaphor that helped my friend understand exposure more easily. Imagine yourself in a room with no light except from a single window which has shutters. The total amount of light that reaches your eyes is like the exposure. The shutterspeed is like the amount of time the window shutter is opened to let light in. Aperture is like the size of the window. Low ISO is like you are wearing sunglasses (your eyes are then less sensitive to the light) and high ISO is like your eyes are uncovered.

So by adjusting the 3 settings above, you can get the amount of brightness you want in your photo. But as you might have realized, since all 3 factors contribute to the total exposure, there are multiple combinations of settings that give you the same desired amount of overall brightness. So you might be wondering how you decide which combination to use. Well...this is where the unique effects of each setting come in, and you get to exercise some artistic control!

For example, if you were taking a photo of an orange still on the tree and wanted only the orange in focus with the branches and leaves blurry, you would use a large aperture such as f/2.8 to achieve that effect (a shallow depth-of-field). However, since a larger aperture lets more light into the camera, you'll need to increase the shutter speed or decrease the ISO to maintain a good exposure. On the other hand, if you want to capture, say, some wine being poured into a glass, you would use a fast shutter speed such as 1/800. But since this decreases the amount of time light has to enter the camera, you'll need to increase the ISO or aperture to increase the light let in and maintain a good exposure.

Unless you want a purposefully grainy photo, ISO doesn't really offer creative options like shutter speed and aperture do. It is, however, useful for taking photos in low-light settings. With the help of higher ISO (light sensitivity), slow shutter speed, and large aperture settings, I've been able to extend some food photography shoots to as late as 6:30 in the evening still only using natural light! But to get clear images without blurring at low shutter speeds, a tripod is absolutely critical.

Taken around 6 pm with tripod @ f/2.5, ISO 400, 1/125

I know all this can be a lot to take in if you're just getting into photography and trying to learn everything on your own. That's why I'd recommend you start shooting in Aperture Priority mode if you're just starting out. With this setting, you simply increase the aperture (smaller f-stop number!) to have a small area in focus and the rest blurry. Or decrease the aperture (largerf-stop number) to have more of the photo be in focus. The camera will adjust the shutter speed and ISO on it's own to what it calculates as "correct" exposure. If you want things a little brighter or darker than that, there's usually an "exposure compensation" button (circled in red below) to nudge the overall exposure up or down.

Exposure Compensation Button (circled in red) and Exposure Compensation Setting Display (outlined in red rectangle) on a Canon dSLR

Once you're comfortable shooting in Aperture Priority mode, I strongly encourage you to switch to manual mode. It's really not very different, and you'll love having complete creative control so much that you'll wonder how you ever lived without it! The main change from Aperture Priority to manual is that you now control the shutter speed.

For your first time exploring manual mode, you may want to set a moderate ISO of 200 and shutter speed of 1/125. Next choose an aperture setting depending on what depth-of-field you'd like your photo to have. Then look in the viewfinder and with the camera focused on your subject, push down partially on the capture button. This should cause the vertical bar of the viewfinder exposure meter (outlined in red below) to move left or right, indicating under or over-exposure.

Exposure Meter in Camera's Viewfinder (outlined in red rectangle) via Digital Photography School

Using the basic concepts of exposure I explained above, you should now be able to adjust the 3 settings until the exposure meter shows "correct" exposure (when the vertical bar is centered like in the photo above). For example, if the vertical bar is closer to the right at 1, the meter is indicating underexposure and you know that not enough light is entering the camera. And vice versa if the vertical bar is more to the left at -1.

***To correct for underexposed settings:

-increase ISO;

-decrease shutter speed; OR

-increase aperture (decrease f-stop number)

***To correct for overexposed settings:

-decrease ISO;

-increase shutter speed; OR

-decrease aperture (increase f-stop number)

Of course the point of shooting in manual is not to simply find the nearest "proper" exposure and stay put! Once you have these basics down pat, you'll be able to play with the settings any way you want and be able to find your way to your desired exposure. So that's shooting in manual mode -- not so scary, right? As this process becomes second nature to you with practice, you'll notice you often don't agree with the camera's definition of a "correct" exposure. And really, you don't have to! After realizing I preferred my photos "overexposed" by +1, that's now the level I aim for. Guidelines are merely there to help us find our way. Once you know the rules, you can have a blast bending them =D.

WHITE BALANCE AND RAW FILE FORMAT

When we look around us, whether it's in natural or artificial lighting, sunny or cloudy weather, colors remain fairly consistent because our brain adjusts so that we see them that way. Cameras do not do this, so we as photographers need to take steps to make sure there are no weird color casts in our photos. Most cameras have an automatic setting that will attempt to guess the correct colors, but I prefer not to take any chances. In order to correct a color cast (such as a bluish tint from light on a cloudy day), there needs to be something that is true white or gray/silver in the photo as a standard to compare other colors against. There is often already some fabric, plate, or silverware that can serve this purpose. But in the case that there isn't, I like to take a photo of a piece of white paper in the same lighting and scene that my "real" food photos are taken in. Many image processing programs then let you set the correct white balance by clicking on a neutral part of your photo (such as the white paper). You obviously don't want a piece of paper in your final photo, so these programs allow you to "copy“ the corrected color settings over to your other photos.

To get the best results from post-processing, including fixing the white balance, I highly recommend shooting in RAW format. It's an uncompressed format that's similar to a film negative in that it needs to be processed to be viewed normally. RAW files are larger than JPEG and require more storage space, but that is because they capture more data that allows for extensive correction of the exposure, contrast, color, and other aspects of photos in processing with minimal loss of image quality. This makes it especially ideal for photos taken in low or colorcast light settings that may need more post-processing. Only specific programs can edit RAW files, but most dSLR cameras come with one.

PHOTO PROCESSING

Although I try to create the best photos I can in-camera, I simply don't have a professional studio/equipment and there are always beneficial tweaks to be made in post-processing of RAW and JPEG formats. I usually tweak color balance, contrast, and brightness using the Canon RAW image editor that came with my camera. Then, I convert the RAW file to a large JPEG (2000 pixels wide) and further fine-tune the same settings as well as adjust others such as sharpness, saturation, levels, and curves in Adobe Photoshop. There are many programs available for photo editing to suit a range of budgets and personal styles. You may want to ask around and download some trials before settling on one that's best for you.

It's also difficult to share post-processing steps in detail since it can differ so much between photos, depending on the look/feel I'm trying to achieve. There are 2 methods that I use fairly often in Photoshop that I will share today. First is my favorite way to sharpen images: (1) duplicate the original image in a new layer on top and rename the new layer to "Sharp", (2) with this new layer selected, click on Filter/Other/High Pass. Set the radius between 1.5 and 2.5 depending on the photo size and click OK, (3) change the "Sharp" layer's blending mode to "soft light" and its opacity to between 20 and 30%. Second is a simple technique I use to add depth and "pop" to my photos: (1) duplicate the original image in a new layer above it and rename the new layer to "Deepen", (2) change the "Deepen" layer's blending mode to "soft light" and the opacity to between 5 and 15%. You can adjust this opacity based on your preference.

Oh and one more thing: there ain't no shame in rockin' the stamper! Seriously, I use mine for small touch-ups all the time. That stubborn wrinkle in the linen? Gone! A wayward crumb in an awkward place? BAM. I'm a student in a cramped apartment, not a professional photographer. I wield my stamper with head held high, and so should you!

FOOD/PROP STYLING

If you couldn't tell already from my posts, I loves me some food props! Put me in an antique store and I'm giddier than a kid in a candy shop. It pleases me that prop (and food) stylists are finally starting to get the recognition they deserve. When I started photographing food, I read so much about light, light, and more light! True, photography is at its essence about capturing and manipulating light, but it's nice when the light has lovely textures and objects to play with, too, no? For me, great food photos are ones that tell a story with a time and a place...and props play no small part in setting them there.

ACQUIRING PROPS

Organic-Shaped Dinnerware from West Elm

Disclaimer...hunting for props can be fun yet frustrating, quickly become addictive, and consume lots of money and space =p. But if you dare proceed, I do have some recommendations for you. As professional food prop stylist Robin Zachary wrote in her recent guest post, "Keep [props] tasteful and simple. Remember the food is the star!" I completely agree with this philosophy and recommend starting with affordable ceramic dining/serveware in white or other soft solid colors that won't outshine the food. Ikea, World Market, Bed Bath & Beyond, Crate & Barrel, and Red Vanilla are great places to look. If you're willing to make an investment, the more "organic" style of ceramics is beautiful albeit pricey. Mud Australia sets the bar, but other shops like Gleena and West Elmhave excellent offerings as well.

Marta Tumblers from Crate & Barrel

Nice glasses are yet another great basic to have for personal use and photography. Crate & Barrel and World Market offer stylish and affordable barware. I also like to explore thrift and antique shopsfor unique glasses. You rarely need a set of anything for food props, so feel free to pick up pretty, one-of-a-kind items for dirt cheap at these places. You'll never know when that item may add just the right touch of "special" to a photo.

Vintage Silver from Etsy

Silverware is, like all props, a matter of personal taste. Modern pieces that are tasteful can certainly work well in food shots, but I prefer the duller surface and patina of vintage silverware. Their advantage is two-fold because they (1) add a sense of history and continuity to the scene (as if someone has used the spoon or fork for many years and will continue to do so) and (2) have worn surfaces that won't reveal your tripod, reflector, or even your face in their reflective surfaces! I favor antique malls, thrift stores, Etsy, and Ebay for reasonably priced silverware. Don't be afraid to ask the sellers, especially on Etsy, to lower shipping costs or even the sale price by a few dollars. Sometimes they'll agree just to clear out old inventory.

Hem-stitched Napkins from Pottery Barn

Like utensils, napkins and kitchen towels are important to add a touch of realism to food photos, as if someone is about to dig right in. I've had difficulty finding good napkins locally, but Amazon and other online retailers provide some options. It also seems to be common practice to use napkin-sized fabric pieces to achieve a similar effect. Solids or delicate patterns are usually best to avoid overpowering the food. It's not easy to find kitchen towels without patterns or logos these days, but Ikea and Etsy and good places to look. Pottery Barn sells linens with beautiful hemstitchingbut at a higher cost.

Butter Paneer Curry Pizza on Vintage Chair

Last but definitely not least, are background surfaces. Although they may not be the hero, you'd be surprised at how much a beautifully textured background can set a food photo apart. These surfaces run the gamut from table linens to vintage wood, zinc sheeting to weathered fencing, and from denim fabric to slate slabs. Since large stone and metal surfaces are rarely available to us food photography hobbyists, I'm going to focus on the more obtainable surfaces here:

Vintage wood tables: the real deal is pretty expensive, but one day I hope to afford it; meanwhile I've been eyeing this DIY tutorial for faking the farmhouse table look.
Weathered wood boards: if you have access to a farm or barn, those are your best bets for scoring naturally weathered boards; or you may want to try this DIY tutorial for painted boards.
Linen, denim, burlap, etc.: local fabric stores are best so you can examine the color and weave before purchasing; but if none are available, online stores like Fashion Fabrics Club stock a large variety and have frequent sales; get at least 1 1/2 yards of any fabric you want to use as a background
Step outside "the box": there are many other potential backgrounds out there just waiting to be uncovered...you just have to get a lil creative; for example Helene of Tartelette has used vintage ceiling tiles very effectively in food shots. I also read of a stylist who picked up a broken table from the street, sawed its legs off, and got a gorgeous wood backdrop for free. Two examples of my own use of unconventional backgrounds are shown in photos above and below. One was a vintage wood chair and the other was the back of a small, dingy roasting pan.

For more information about the basics of food prop styling, please refer to the recent guest post by on this blog by professional prop stylist and art director, Robin Zarchary of Prop Closet. Another great resource is this guest post by professional food prop stylist Paula Walters on Gourmande in the Kitchen.

Browned Butter Pizzookies on Back of Old Roasting Pan

PRE-SHOOT PLANNING

Yes, I plan ahead for my food shoots (when I can make the time). This may sound excessive to some, but it's incredibly helpful to making the food preparation, styling, and photography process flow together smoothly. Plus the sooner I can get photos I'm happy with, the sooner I can eat ^_^. Believe it or not, I have no visual imagination (I can't picture things in my mind). Which is why I find it very useful to sketch out my styling ideas ahead of time (see example below). Sometimes the idea for a set-up just grabs me right away, but more often I like to think about the food I'll be making. Does it have an obvious history, a story? What emotions might it evoke in someone eating it? What mood do I want this dish/photo to convey? Is it associated with a particular time/season? How is this food commonly presented? And that's just a sampling of the questions you could consider.

Sketches for Pomegranate Almond Cream Cheese Danish

As I said earlier, the most powerful photos to my mind have a story. I mean this in a way that is not so much about a plot as it is about evoking a time, place, or even just a feeling. I prefer to decide on the message I'm trying to convey earlier in the preparation process rather than later. Once that's known, it can become the common string that ties everything else together, from the color scheme to the lighting or props. And don't feel like you have to stick with what's typical. Experimentation is the fuel to my passion for photography and one of my favorite exercises is to shine a different light on a familiar food.

In addition to furthering the creative process, I find that sketching for a shoot is a great way to get materials organized so that I'm not still digging for a napkin or that perfect spoon when the food is ready to go. Once I'm happy with my styling, I make a list of all the props as well as ingredients I'll need on hand for that dish. It's with me on my grocery trip and later when I lay out the props where they'll be easily accessible during the shoot.

THE SHOOT

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret...I'm clumsy as all get-out and I still hold my breath a lot of the time when I'm styling food. No joke...my boyfriend P could tell ya allll about it. But the takeaway here is: if I can do it, so can you. My typical strategy has 3 parts. Part A: set up the props and adjust camera settings beforehand so you are ready to shoot when the food is done. Part B: slow and steady (and detailed) wins the race. Unless your food is time-sensitive (e.g., anything frozen or a souffle), handle with care and take your time making your food look its best down to the little details. Remember, it's always easier to add more of something than to remove excess. Part C: don't be afraid to play favorites or to fake it! For instance, if you didn't get the hang of piping frosting on cupcakes until the last 3 of the dozen, don't be afraid to photograph only the pretty ones. Or place them in the forefront and use shallow depth-of-field to do a Moneton their plainer sisters. I think readers understand that you're trying to show the best possible presentation of the recipe.

Photographic Evidence of My Clumsiness 8)

Other assorted styling tips I've picked up here and there:

Buy a spray bottle, fill it with water, and use it to refresh raw fruits or veggies that start to dry up
Rub or soak sliced apples and pears in lemon juice to slow browning
Smaller portions of food photograph better than bigger portions, and they look bigger in photos than they do in real life
To make pretty swirls of spaghetti, lift a section with tongs or clean fingers above the serving plate. Lower the pasta until only the tip is touching the plate, then continue lowering the pasta slowly as you rotate the plate with your other hand. This should cause the pasta to rest in a coil. Repeat with the remaining pasta
Butter the top of your muffin pan when baking cupcakes to prevent the tops from spreading outward
To make firm, pipeable cream cheese frosting for cupcakes, use my recipe/method using soft butter and cold cream cheese
Milk actually photographs to be more yellow than people expect. If this bugs you, you can use heavy cream (which is whiter) instead for pictures or use a layer mask to adjust the color in post-processing
Flat foods like waffles can tend to look, well, flat in photos. An easy and food-safe styling solution that I use is to tear an extra waffle into smaller pieces to prop up the waffles in the photo to give them more dimension (see waffle photo below)
If you want to be in your own photo (see pretzel photo below), you just need to use a tripod and set your camera to timed capture.
Always keep Q-tips on hand for delicate clean-ups

Spinach Feta Stuffed Pretzels and Spaghetti with Tomato Vodka Sauce

COMPOSITION

You've probably heard the saying that practice makes perfect, and indeed it's important to our growth as photographers to shoot often. At the same time, I'm quite convinced that the best thing to ever happen to my photography was the 3-4 months when I was so busy working that I couldn't photograph (or do much of anything else either, for that matter). During those months I'd often browse food blogs during my breaks at the office and started seriously analyzing the photos that drew me in the most. It was only then that I became present to the power of styling and composition in food photography and began to apply it to my own work.

My talented friend, Sylvie, of Gourmande in the Kitchen has actually just published a wonderful post summarizing the principles used to organize the visual elements of lines, shapes, colors, and textures in a photograph that tend to result in a successful composition. The principles discussed are balance, movement, pattern, and proportion; and it's really a must-read for any budding food photographer. The formal terms are new to be, but reading this article was like having the very patterns I'd observed privately put to paper. Though I lack formal training in these principles, I will briefly discuss my personal understanding of and experience with them below.

Sliced Orange and Blanched and Peeled Peaches

Balance

This is one of the most important principles, in my opinion, and strongly affects how we respond to viewing an image. I am not a fan of tilted food shots and I think it is precisely because any chance of balance is thrown out the window. But that's not to say that every piece of the scene must be perfectly level. Tilting some elements (such as cutting boards or cutlery) can be a great way to add tension, movement, and interest to your composition as long as they are well-distributed. As Sylvie notes in her post, balance doesn't have to symmetrical. For example, in my photo of waffles below, the waffles and blueberries on the left are balanced by the silverware and beaker on the right despite their asymmetrical placement. Moreover, balance involves not only distinct objects but also colors, textures, and light.In the photo of strawberry cupcakes below, the greens and yellows of the trees outside help to balance the red of the strawberries. In the shot of lemon polenta cranberry cookies (also below), the dark shadows from the wood board complement to the bright highlights on the cookies above it.

Strawberry N' Cream Cupcakes and Chocolate Nutella Alfajores

Movement

Movement can be quite literal, such as the slicing of an onion or pouring of syrup, or it may refer to the placement of focal points within the image. The second is probably my favorite out of these principles because it was the personal revelation that changed my entire outlook on food photography. One day while perusing a food magazine, I suddenly realized that my eyes were moving between interesting parts of the photograph in a zigzag pattern down the page! This is the explanation you've probably been waiting for as to why some of these photos have odd lines going across them -- I simply highlighted some potential paths your eyes might take as they move across my photos. Of course each person will view the photos slightly differently due to individual preferences, but positioning interesting elements in a way that guides the viewer's eyes through your photo will make anyone's experience more enjoyable and exciting.

Cinnamon Teff Waffles with Blueberry Compote and Lemon Polenta Cranberry Cookies

Pattern

Adding repetition of shapes, colors, etc. creates a structure and continuity in a photo that is pleasant to viewers' eyes. I think that's probably why so many food photos feature multiples of foods rather than one alone. The photos of cookies and waffles (above) and macarons (below) are obvious examples of this. More subtle uses of pattern, which were more intuitive than intentional on my part, can be found in the strawberry and s'mores cupcake photos. In the first photo (above), you may notice that the shape of the bowl with whipped cream somewhat resembles that of the cupcake. In the second photo (below), a stripe-like pattern can be found in the toasted frosting, ridges of the cupcake liner, veins of the leaves, and placement of the branches.

S'mores Cupcakes and Snickers Macarons

Scale and Proportion

Scale refers to the size of objects within the whole photo, while proportion refers to the size of objects in the photo compared to each other. Both are important to the viewer's perception of the object and must be kept in mind. A common mistake of scale is to take a very close-up image of the food in which the food alone takes up most or all of the frame. This is not a view of food that appears natural to our eyes and can sometimes cause the food to become so distorted that it's hard to identify. In this situation, the food photo may perplex more than tempt. The relative size of objects in your photo to each other is also important to a successful composition. For example, I specifically chose my smallest wood board for the photo of lemon polenta cranberry cookies (above) so that the cookies wouldn't look tiny compared to the board. Similarly I used a 5-inch candle stand to hold the Snickers macarons (above) since they would have looked quite ridiculous on my 12-inch cake stand. I was also careful to set the milk bottles and bowl in that photo far in the background so they wouldn't overwhelm the macarons with their size.

RECOMMENDED READING

I know this was a bear of a post, so if you've made it here to the end, I thank and salute you! The purpose of this is to share my experience with anyone who might use it to nourish their own passion for food photography or styling. But since I have so much left to learn myself, I happily point you toward some great sources of tutorials, tips, and inspiring photography. Please feel free to email me if you have further questions, and I'll do my best to help =D.

TIPS AND TUTORIALS

All Photography Posts on White on Rice Couple (Especially the Principles of Photography Series)

The Language of Food Photography Series on Gourmande in the Kitchen (Great styling/composition tips)

Tartelette's Tips on Photography via My Cooking Hut (Good behind-the-scenes photos)

Wrightfood's Photography Post (Lots of detail and photos)

Édes és Keserű's Photography Tips (Including set-up shots)

Bonbini's Basic Food Photography Tips (Including rule of thirds)

Food Pixels' Food Photography Posts and Critiques

INSPIRATION (just a few out of many)

Souvlaki for the Soul

Édes és Keserű

Pure Vegetarian by Lakshmi

Desserts for Breakfast

Il Cavoletto Di Bruxelles

Australian Gourmet Traveller

Sweet Paul

Jamie

-Xiaolu at 6 Bittersweets blog

I Took A Stand at the Rose Bowl Game--and Why I'll Never Go Again

Mona Gable — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 23:43:03 +0000

This year, against my better judgment, I went to my first Rose Bowl game. Let me be clear: I don’t like football. I went because my daughter’s team, the celebrated Oregon Ducks, with their “Quack Attack” offense and stylish Nike uniforms, were playing the Wisconsin Badgers. I went because my fine feminist daughter, despite all that I have taught her, is an unrepentant fan. So my husband got tickets for the four of us.

They were great tickets. For those of you who care about these things, they were in the 12th row around the 22-yard line. We weren’t even in the sun! I was actually excited, because my son, daughter, and husband I were doing something together. Making a memory. Having a moment. When your children finally leave adolescence, you are so relieved that you survived it without killing each other you find yourself embracing the oddest family outings. Like hanging out with 91,000 people wearing identical colors and badger hats and wigs.

It was a perfect afternoon.All blue skies and that legendary Pasadena sun blanketing the San Gabriel Mountains. We were all decked out in Duck T-shirts and hats, nothing too embarrassing, of course. We took our seats. Unlike the end zones, which were a massive block of red at one end, and green and yellow at the other, our section was fairly egalitarian, a convivial mix of Badgers and Ducks. I had brought my digital camera and telephoto lens and was taking pictures as the Ducks’ drill team and band members took the field. The game hadn’t even started.

That’s when I heard them.

The two drunken Wisconsin guys sitting directly behind me. Calling the female band members on the Oregon team “bitches.” They said it so loudly that people sitting across the stadium could probably hear them. And they were laughing.

I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Then I felt a rush of disbelief, anger, and fear. The same fear I’ve felt all my life when I’m around men who feel they have the impunity to talk shit about women. Like women are just objects to be discussed and dissected at their whim. It’s not exactly hatred. In some ways it’s worse. Like women are so worthless and inconsequential they don’t exist. They’re not even there.

My first impulse was to turn around and say, “Would you Wisconsin morons please shut the F up?” Or better yet, something sarcastic and Tina Fey-ish like, “Oh, I didn’t know Wisconsin men had such tiny penises!” But I behaved myself. I kept calm, because I didn’t want to cause a scene or embarrass my family. I didn’t even turn around and glare at them. For some reason--call it the optimist in me--I figured they’d eventually settle down and stop.

They didn’t.

During the pre-game show, they proceeded to trash the women on the Oregon drill team. To comment on their bodies, their looks. “God, they’re even fatter than our girls!” one said. They both thought that was hilarious. Beyond the misogynistic banter, every other word out of their mouths was “fuck.” I’m sure the parents of the young kids sitting around us were elated.

I’d had enough. I was not going to listen to their crap the whole game. Why should I? I thought. Why should I tacitly condone their behavior by not saying anything? They probably do this all the time, and no one ever calls them on it. We’d spent all this money on tickets. Why should I have to tolerate their behavior? And in my home stadium, for that matter? Why should my daughter? Didn’t we have a right to enjoy the game?

I turned around. They were probably in their 30s, two big white guys with beer bellies in Levi’s and Wisconsin T-shirts. One had on a red wig.

“Pardon me,” I said in my most civil but firm voice. “Would you please stop using that language about women? It’s offending me.”

You would have thought I was speaking Albanian. They literally looked at each other and said, “Huh?”

Then, apparently because I was a female, and therefore didn’t exist for them, they started taunting my husband, who was sitting next to me.

“The fucker didn’t even take off his hat during the Star Spangled Banner!” one said, at one point.

By now, my husband was tugging on my arm, begging me not to say another word because he was afraid they’d get violent. He didn’t feel safe. I told him I’d said what I needed to say and wasn’t about to engage them again. But he was still upset that I’d challenged them. They were drunk. They were assholes. This is what people do at big sporting events, particularly football games. What did I think I was going to accomplish? This wasn’t the time or place to make a point. (An update here: 22 people were arrested for being publicly drunk.)

His reaction only made me feel defensive. And sad, because suddenly I felt terribly alone and small. Why wasn’t my husband supporting me? He didn’t feel safe, but how ironic. Neither did I. Which is why I’d spoken up, why I couldn't bear to hear one more misogynistic rant.

Part of the reason I was shocked is because I’m rarely around the kind of Neanderthals who spew those kinds of remarks. I’ve made sure of that.

As for my daughter and son, the incident left them slightly unnerved. My son thought I should have kept quiet. I think my daughter, who was sitting farthest away from me, felt torn. She understood and supported me, but she also wanted to just enjoy the game. Not have any drama. Which made me feel bad. Wasn’t I being a good role model for her by sticking up for women? I thought I was. Am I wrong? Should I not have said anything?

As I sat watching the game and taking photos, I kept replaying the incident. I hated it that my husband was upset. I hated that he felt threatened by these clowns behind us. I hated it that, by refusing to ignore two boorish slobs who have a serious problem with women, that somehow my point got lost. Or didn’t count.

Yet I would probably do the same thing all over again.

They eventually got tired of us. And turned their insightful commentary to bashing Oregon’s team. When Josh Huff, an Oregon junior, got hurt and was laying on the field, one of them screamed out, “Get up, you Democrat!” I almost laughed. At one point, one of them knocked my sunglasses off my head and onto the ground. I turned around and looked down. Without a word, he picked them up and handed them to me. “Thank you,” I said.

For the last five minutes of the game, they were blissfully silent. Because by then it was clear that the Ducks, the speedy, gutsy, breathtaking Ducks, were going to win. They left even before the confetti showered the crowd.

But I am still left with what happened. The trauma of realizing that no matter hard I have tried to build a life around people who are sensitive and smart and support women’s rights, that misogyny is looming only a row behind me.

Credit Image: Mona Gable

5 Tips for Focusing on Resolutions

TiaBach — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 23:03:21 +0000

It's easy to get psyched up about a new year and new goals. The adrenaline of change is pumping through my veins. I know I can do it. But the trick is feeling that way in February, March, April... heck even by the end of January.

I want to go the distance this year, and not run out of steam because I sprinted out of the gate. Focus is always a problem for me, so I'm determined to sterilize my workspace. To that end, I've decided to:

DECLUTTER
When my desk is overly cluttered, I see piles of things that need to be done. I'll look up to think of a word, and this happens more than I care to admit, and the checkbook will start screaming at me to pay bills. Now I have a three-tier tray system, and I've organized papers there in order of priority. The checkbook is hiding in the desk drawer.

ANTICIPATE
I always have my water bottle, phone, paper, pens, etc. surrounding me when I sit down to work. Nothing is more distracting than having to get up to get something. As soon as I walk away from my desk, I notice the clothes in the dryer need folding, the dog needs water, etc. I'd ditch the phone, but if it rings, I have to know if it's a child puking at school, and getting up to find out wastes valuable time.

UNPLUG
The Internet and social media sites are so provocative. They suck me in. I'm like a small child in a toy store, it's sad. I sit down to write, but tell myself I'll take a quick look at email, Facebook, Twitter, blah, blah, blah. Problem is... there is no such thing as a quick look. I'm trying to stick to a new rule this year: check email/social media for an hour first thing in the morning, mid-day (just before the kids come tearing in the house), and in the evening. I'm currently suffering withdrawal symptoms, so we'll see how this goes.

ALLOCATE
I'm breaking down work into manageable time chunks. I'll set my phone to beep after an hour on task, and I'll take a break. The break might be lunch or it might be thirty minutes checking social media or switching over to reading/editing. I even time my breaks.

FINISH
This might all sound a bit overkill, but I know how easily distracted I am from tasks by other tasks. I tend to overcommit myself. Since I'm flitting from obligation to obligation (it's not like I'm rushing off to do something fun), I think I'm accomplishing more. In fact, I accomplish less because I never finish one thing before heading to the other. Some finishing points are obvious: post is done, edited a chapter, paid bills. Others I try to predefine, like write until the scene's done or the chapter's finished.

(Note: more times than I care to admit, my husband comes home from work to find the dishwasher half-emptied, half the groceries put away, half the dry clothes folded, etc.)

If you are a focused individual, I'm jealous. If you are more like me, I hope some of these tips help you with all those freshly made New Year's Resolutions.

What's your best tip for maintaining focus?

Credit Image: toolstop via Flickr

Tia Silverthorne Bach

Co-author, Depression Cookies

@Tia_Bach_Author

http://depressioncookies.blogspot.com

[VIDEO] One For The Money Trailer: Who's Plum Excited for Stephanie Plum!?

curvywriter — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 22:36:25 +0000

So, are you a Janet Evanovich fan? If yes, then you are most likely a Stephanie Plum fan. So, next question...have you been sitting on pins and needles waiting for One for the Money to come out? Have you seen the trailer yet?

I have to confess I was keeping up with things back when they announced the movie and the actors. (I still have reservations...but I'll blog about that another day.) Then with so many other things I kind of....well...forgot... Until last night!

The other night, as we were calmly watching TV after dinner, the “One for the Money” trailer commercial popped up onscreen for the first time ever. Yep, I squeed all over myself. Then raced to the computer to find it on YouTube and share it with my bestie, partner in crime, and fellow Plum lover Marlene Sanchez.

Keep Reading...All Hail the Glorious Stephanie Plum!

DJ Westerfield blogs about empowerment at Curvalicious Living, about life, her books, and other randomness at The CurvyWriter Blog

What Does It Mean to Be Empowered?

Charlie Glickman — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 21:11:41 +0000

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be empowered. It's a question that frequently comes up in discussions about sexuality, sexism, porn, choice, and sex-positivity. I recently ran across this post on the topic by Jennifer Kesler which points out some of the ways in which this word is misunderstood and the effects that can have on how we think about our sexualities.

One of the things that Kesler points out (rightfully, I think) is that the word empowerment has been co-opted by a variety of people and forces that don't have our best interests at heart. Rather than the original definition as "a multi-dimensional social process that helps people gain control over their own lives," it's often used in ways that control, limit, and shame people for their choices. For example, I see a lot of articles and debates online about whether a particular sex act or body modification practice is empowering. I think that highlights how little we understand what power is.

Some Definitions of Power

In Truth or Dare: Encounters with Power, Authority, and Mystery, Starhawk describes three types of power: "power-over," which is domination and control; "power-from-within," or personal ability and spiritual integrity; and "power-with," which has to do with social power or influence among equals. While I think that those are useful definitions, I also find that power-over, power-from-within, and power-with seem like distinct experiences to me. Using the same base word and changing the preposition attached to it masks the fact that they have some fundamental differences.

I much prefer to think of power-over as control or force because that's what it's really about. Power-over is a process of making people do what you want them to do, whether it's what they want or not. There might be a degree of regret or the controller might not care, as long as they get what they want. At its most extreme, this manifests as slavery and rape (among other things).

"Ball and chain" via Shutterstock.

Most of us move through our days navigating these dynamics of control in a variety of ways. One of the mechanisms of privilege is being able to exert more control over others than is exerted over us, though few of us are entirely free from being controlled. And of course, when we have internalized the ways in which we're controlled, we might not even see our chains. When we lack the language to describe them and when we can't imagine any other possibilities, it's much harder to get free of them. Newspeak, the language created by the Party in Orwell's 1984, is the best illustration of that I've ever seen.

This notion of control lines up pretty well with Starhawk's definition of power-over, but I find that the mechanisms of that are very different from power-from-within, or what I think of as empowerment. Empowerment isn't about controlling other people or getting them to do what you want. Instead, it's the ability to respond to their actions in whatever way you choose. It's being able to consider their desires as information that you include in your decision-making process, and then acting in whatever way is most authentic to your own needs, goals, and wants. I also recognize that there are some people whose authentic desires are better left unmet.

Asking the Wrong Question

From this perspective, the question of "are blowjobs / porn / open relationships, etc., empowering?" makes no sense because the empowerment doesn't come from the action. Instead, being empowered means you can make your own choices and then go from there. In many ways, it's a blend of Starkhaw's power-from-within and power-with. First, we figure out what actions will be aligned with our personal integrity and authenticity. Then, we (often) engage in communication and negotiation with another person (or other people) before doing whatever it is we want to do.

For example, if you've been told that giving blowjobs is not acceptable, then choosing to do that can be the result of your empowerment. On the other hand, if you've internalized the idea that you have to give your partner blowjobs, then empowerment could mean that you choose to not do it. In these cases, the actions are very different, even though the underlying processes of empowered decision-making might have been similar.

But the difficulty is that those motivations are often invisible. How can you tell that someone who wants to give a blowjob or get spanked or try anal sex is doing it because it's what they genuinely desire? In a world in which our likes and dislikes are shaped and limited by the world around us, how do we know whether our choices are empowered or not? Most people will say that they're making their own choices, even as they move with the herd. I've seen this happen around sexual decision-making often enough to wonder if there's any way to know for sure.

I've decided that, on a good day, the most that I can do is assess it for myself. Empowered choices leave me feeling joy. Not just the pleasure of the moment, but an ongoing sense of happiness when I reflect back on them later. Empowered choices result in a lightness in my heart, a feeling of satisfaction with myself and pride (not to be confused with arrogance). Even when the experience wasn't what I'd hoped it would be, I don't second guess myself. Instead, I take it as an opportunity to grow and use that information for the next time.

There's a much different sense than I get from making decisions in order to comply with external directives. Those situations often result in feeling like I'm settling for less than I want or deserve. They're making the best of a bad situation or accepting the lesser of two unpleasant options. Afterward, I might feel sadness, regret, or shame. Instead of a lightness in my heart, I feel heavy or compressed. And sometimes, I might talk about how amazing my decision was in order to convince myself and others that I'm pleased with how things turned out. Instead of feeling joy, I'll act happy, but the mask doesn't fool anyone except, perhaps, myself.

Where this can get even trickier is that if I'm talking with someone who's triggered or squicked or simply confused by my choices, it can be hard for them to see past their discomfort and believe that my choice was empowered. They might not believe me when I tell them that I feel joy around it. Or they might tell me that I'm kidding myself, that I've bought the cultural messages that encourage or force people to act in certain ways. I've seen this play out in plenty of discussions, both in-person and on the internet.

How Do We Know?

This topic has come up in my personal life lately because my partner loves to cook and bake, while I really dislike it. I can do it, but I'm much happier with our division of labor: she cooks and I do the dishes. And although we both enjoy this dynamic, there was a time when we had some resistance to it. We talked quite a bit about the socio-cultural messages that define cooking as women's labor and discussed whether we were buying into that or reinforcing them.

One day we realized that actually, Elizabeth enjoys cooking and that's ok. She likes reading cookbooks and figuring out the chemistry behind food. She loves getting kitchenware as presents, so I got her a saucier and a cookbook for Solstice this year. (The pan, not a professional chef.) And we decided that it doesn't matter that traditional gender roles dictate that women cook. In our house, we do plenty of things that break down or ignore those messages. The fact that Elizabeth gets joy out of cooking is what matters, so we stopped worrying about it. If she didn't enjoy it, it would likely lead to resentment and that would be a problem, but we'd find ways to deal with it. Most likely, we'd split the cooking more evenly, just like we do with the house cleaning.

This experience makes it easier for me to understand why some people have concerns about empowerment and sexual decision-making, especially for women. There's intense pressure to have sex in specific ways. Lots of people are cajoled or convinced or forced to do things that they don't want to do, so it can be hard to see past that and accept that other folks actively choose to do the exact same activities. And for women in particular, the mixed messages that one hears create situations in which it seems like no matter which way one goes, empowered sexual choices are impossible.

Making things even more complex is that it's often hard to determine the relationship between the person and the act from the outside. It's not always possible to know what that is without asking them about it and creating a safe space for them to give an honest answer. And much of the time, our agendas get in the way of that. When we pay attention to their stories and set aside our preconceived notions, we're more able to honor their choices and their empowerment. Or we can bring some fierce compassion to the conversation and support them as they explore their experiences and look for ways to make different choices in the future.

[pullquote]To oppose something is to maintain it. --Ursula K. Le Guin[/pullquote] Ultimately, not doing something because you're rebelling against the messages that say that you have to is just as much of a prison as doing it because you think you have no other choice. An empowered person can decide what they want to do, without letting cultural mores and social rules force their decision one way or another. This level of self-possession is rare in a world that actively teaches us to believe that we can't have it or don't deserve it, and that limits our access to information in order to make it harder to see all of our options. But it's worth the work that it takes to overcome those restrictions because of the freedom it offers.

A Fictional Perspective

In his classic 1951 science fiction story And Then There Were None, Eric Frank Russell described a planet that had been settled by the Gands, a group that created two tenets for maximizing personal freedom: Mind Your Own Business and Freedom- I Won't. The first one highlights the idea that as long as someone's actions don't involve or affect you, it's none of your concern. I don't actually think that applies to Earth 2011 because I believe that we have an ethical responsibility to serve as allies to people who are being harmed. But in the story, genuine and authentic freedom was woven into the lived experiences of every single person through the second one, which I think changes the utility of that maxim.

The second one points out that freedom isn't simply the ability to choose what to do. It's also the freedom to say no, or in Russell's story, I won't. He illustrates it elegantly because freedom means being able to say both "I won't do that" and "I won't not do that," as you choose. It means having the capacity to identify all of the possible choices and the room to make your own decision. It means the ability to say no, yes, maybe, tell me more, or anything else. It means having both the option to do something and the option to not do it.

This is what's often missing from discussions of whether a particular sexual act is empowering or not. Arguing about whether anal sex or sex work or performing in porn or non-monogamy is empowering is pointless because the question isn't whether those things are or aren't. The question is what the relationship is between the person doing it and the act. Do they see it as one of several choices they can make? Are they dealing with any coercion if they choose otherwise, including the threat of social stigma, physical/emotional/sexual violence, or shame? Do they truly have the freedom to say "I won't" without fear of reprisal? No matter how it looks from the outside, the only person who can actually make that assessment is the person making the choice. Defining it for them or in contradiction to what they say is the height of arrogance.

Of course, this gets more complex in the real world. What about the situation in which a partner says that they'll end the relationship if they don't get what they want? Is that a boundary or an ultimatum? How do we know whether they're exercising their own freedom to say "I won't" or trying to limit the other person's ability to say "I won't"? Each and every situation is unique, so I don't have any answers. But I think that this way of thinking about it helps us frame the questions that need to be asked.

What Next?

I'm hardly expecting this post to change the ways in which people ~~debate~~ fight about whether a sexual practice is empowering or not. But I am going to exercise my freedom to say that I won't get caught up in them anymore. I might point out that the arguments are missing the point, or I might not. I'll see when I get there. But if you find yourself getting pulled into these sorts of disagreements, I invite you to step back. Though of course, you're welcome to say "I won't." In the words of one of Russell's characters, that's freedom, isn't it?

In my experience, the more we develop the capacity for self-possession and empowerment, the more we can support other people and bear witness to their individual paths, even when they look totally different from our own. That's one way for our individual empowerment to expand and change things on a larger scale. I don't think it's enough to only work on my own empowerment, but I do think that's the first step. Or as Thorn Coyle phrased it, put your own oxygen mask on before helping others.

I find that the more I move through the world as a sexually empowered person, and the more I share my experiences with the people around me, the more inspired they become to lean into their own edges and discover how to overcome the barriers to their own empowerment. I owe a debt to the elders of my communities who modeled for me what it means to be relentlessly yourself, and I do my best to pay it forward and pass it on. And in the meantime, if it means that we can fuck the way we truly want, then I'm ready for that revolution.

Nie Asks: Share Your Favorite Shopping Tips

nienie — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 20:58:00 +0000

When do you usually go grocery shopping?How do you shop? Any good tips you have to share?

Here's my picture. Now you tell me -- I want to know!

Where Do Moms of Teens Go?

Ms Batman — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 20:19:37 +0000

I was looking around the internet the other day for a collaborative website (think Babble, or BlogHer) that includes A) Single moms, B) moms of teens C) Single moms of teens or any combination of the three.

I mean, there are places for singles women, newly divorced/going through a divorce women, pregnant women, women with fertility issues, new mommies, mommies of newborns, multiples, toddlers, kids. But once our children near the end of their childhood and stand on the cusp of teenhood, all of sudden, us mothers are, well on our own.

Babies are all the same*... change them when they need it, feed them when they are hungry, teach them to walk and talk and keep them from bringing the house down around them and us. With teenagers we mothers have to navigate hormones, periods, boobs, pimples, dating, boys, mean girls, driving, curfews, attitudes, smart mouths, rolled eyes, slammed doors and stomping feet. Also? The silent treatment. There is no longer the question of breast or bottle, cloth or disposable, spank or time out. Now it’s too young to date, when to set curfew, how short/tight is too short/tight.

Parents of teens need a place to vent and get support when they hate us, and we just can’t take one more slammed door or rolled eye. And that’s just us. Their attitudes are so much worse and volatile.

Take for instance today, the girls have been gone most of the weekend, spending the night, hanging out with friends. Today, I made them stay home. I mean, after all, they do live here. Bad idea. By 3:00 I was ready to set them on the curb hoping a band of gypsies came by and picked them up. They could not sit on the same couch together without the UFC breaking out. They argued because one of them seriously thought she owned the jar of pickles in the fridge and threw a fit when the other ate one of ‘her pickles’. (I couldn’t make this up.) They couldn’t be in the same room together without fighting at decibels I wish I couldn’t hear.

Where is the place I go to find out I’m not alone, there are other moms living in the hormone charged war zone that is a home of more than one teenager? And how do they get through a day without killing one or all of them, or at the very least, running away?

How is it that this group of mothers has been overlooked and ignored? Are other moms of teens looking for a place on the internet to call ‘ours"’?

*That is not to say that babies are easy. Especially first babies when you have eleventy billion questions and you’re sure you're doing everything wrong, and you’ll screw up your kid before their first birthday. Trust me, you will.

Posted today over at Welcome to My Life

Worried mom sitting with teen boy photo via Shutterstock.

single moms of teen and tweener girls

Congratulations Kerry Schafer! Book Country's First Published Author

sassymonkey — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 20:10:27 +0000

Since Book Country hit the scene earlier this year I've been watching eagerly to see who from their ranks would become the first published author. The wait is over! Read about how it played out for Kerry Schafer the first Book Country author to land a major book deal.

I was at work on a Tuesday, just doing another regular day. During a break, (and it was a sanctioned break, in case my boss ever reads this) I checked my email in the corner of my co-workers office where my laptop sometimes gets a signal. And found an email from Danielle Poiesz of Book Country. An editor had read my chapters and was interested in reading the rest of the book. Would I mind sending it on?

As you can imagine, I had no particular objections to an editor wanting to read my book. After work I engaged in a rather feverish formatting session because I wanted everything to be as perfect as possible, and sent the document on to Danielle. And then I waited. There is a lot of waiting involved in this particular tale, so I won’t go on to describe just how long and interminable that waiting can be.

Credit: Congratulations via Shutterstock

Disclosure: Book Country is a subsidiary of Penguin Group, a Pearson company. The BlogHer Book Club is currently sponsored and supplied by Penguin Group USA and its subsidiaries.

Instagram Fans, Meet Animoto

Virginia DeBolt — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 20:02:58 +0000

The many fans of Instagram will be interested in learning about using Animoto to create videos with Instagram photos. Michele McGraw from Scraps of My Geek Life tells you more about it. She writes,

I’ve made a lot of Animoto videos in the past because they are so easy to make. Animoto has a very simple work area where you pull in your pictures and videos, add music and text and then click “Produce Video” and Animoto goes to work creating the video for you.

Image: Instagram