Indecision Forever | Political Humor and Satire Blog | 2012 Election

You guys heard that thing about how sometimes a political candidate can be too good and too accomplished to win, haven't you? That's a real not-made-up thing, right? I'm sure it is. Because what other possible explanation could there be for this…

Donald Trump has had one of the quickest rises and falls in the history of Presidential politics. Last month we found him leading the Republican field with 26%. In the space of just four weeks he's dropped all the way down to 8%, putting him in a tie for fifth place with Ron Paul.

Tied with Ron Paul? Oh, man. I'll bet even Ron Paul can appreciate how humiliating that is…

As Trump got more and more exposure over the last month Republicans didn't just decide they weren't interested in having him as their nominee- they also decided they flat don't like him. Only 34% of GOP voters now have a favorable opinion of Trump to 53% who view him in a negative light.

What I think happened was that as people became more familiar with him and saw how masterfully he shamed the president into releasing that probably-still-fake birth certificate, all the Republicans in the country started getting really jealous of his obviously superior competence and intelligence and attractiveness. Not to mention that beautiful head of hair.

You know, the exact same thing happened with Jesus.

That's why Trump was cast out of the heavens and made to live with mortal men. True story.

Photo by David Becker/Getty Images

Now it all makes so much sense! How could we have been so blind?

Continue reading…

Let's do a quick inventory of all the people that Republicans are trying their best to alienate in their quest for a permanent majority: women, black people, brown people, immigrants, poor people, middle class people and sick people.

Oh, and I guess we can now add old people to the list…

Rep. Paul Ryan's (R-Wis.) political group went on the attack Monday against AARP, calling one of the most powerful lobbies a "left-leaning pressure group."

Ryan's Prosperity PAC sought to push back on attacks by AARP against the House Budget Committee chairman's 2012 budget, specifically its proposed changes to Medicare… AARP launched ads last week warning against "harmful cuts" to Medicare and Social Security it said Republicans favored.

In case you're unaware, "left-leaning pressure group" in conservative parlance is just, like, one step down from "militant terrorist organization."

So, yeah. Harsh.

Photo by Mira Oberman/AFP/Getty Images

How does a guy like Ron Paul expect to win the presidency and fulfill his promise to fix the country he loves if he's not even willing to surrender every one of the ideals he holds so dear to do so?

Talk about naive…

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.

Hey, come on. Democracy had a pretty good run. Almost two and a half centuries? That's pretty good. But today's modern citizen subject craves a form of government that's a little more… Xtreme.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30/10:30c.

Let's say you've got a toddler. Maybe you already do! Let's take your hypothetical toddler on a walk where (oh no!) it is bitten badly by a nasty dog with a reputation for attacking little kids all over the neighborhood. And then, boom! The dog disappears. You'd hunt for the dog, right? You might even enlist the help of your neighbors in hunting for that dog. Now flash forward ten years. Your toddler is a stupid, fat fourth-grader (this is America, after all). One day, you find out the dog that bit your kid is STILL ALIVE and, in fact, has been living in the spare bedroom of one of the buddies who "helped" you search for it all those years ago.

"Hey, friend," you'd say to the buddy in question. "What gives?"

"Haha, oops!" he'd say. "I didn't know the dog was there in my guest bedroom, an easily-accessible and very nice room literally right next to my own bedroom! LOL! Can we still be friendsies?"

And that, in one terrible extended metaphor, is the state of America's relationship with Pakistan. Here is a slightly smarter, more nuanced version of events as provided by your New York Times…

The United States government is demanding to know whether, and to what extent, Pakistani government, intelligence or military officials were complicit in hiding Bin Laden. His widows could be critical to that line of inquiry because they might have information about the comings and goings of people who were aiding him.

"We have asked for access," [national security adviser] Mr. Donilon said on the CNN program "State of the Union," "including three wives who they now have in custody from the compound, as well as additional materials that they took from the compound."

The request had echoes of previous struggles with Islamabad, starting with the days right after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. Then, the United States insisted that Pakistan clearly choose sides and join the United States in fighting Al Qaeda, and Pakistan formally broke ties with the Taliban government, which was still in power in Afghanistan. But ever since, Washington has frequently lost out in its efforts to seek information about the loyalties and actions of top Pakistani officials.

So good luck with squeezing any info out of your neighbor! Sure, you had the dog put down, but you're never gonna find out who paid for its chew toys and wee-wee pads and organic free-range doggie biscuits for the past 10 frigging years.

Here's a thought, though: maybe stop inviting that neighbor to dinner parties. And, you know, giving him shitloads of money every time he asks.

Photo via Getty Images