METRO COLUMNISTS

I'm writing my Sunday column about a most unusual paid obituary that ran in the paper a week ago.

It's about a woman whose first husband was -- perhaps -- killed by secret government agents in Gainesville. That's what the couple's son believes anyway.

Herb Vest of Dallas has a web site devoted to his search for information about the death.

Some may find another of his web sites even more astounding -- the one devoted to his lavish courtship of a hot, young wife.

I grew up with State Farm insurance. The agent was like a family friend. As an adult, State Farm is the only insurance company I ever used.

But boy am I glad I dumped 'em earlier this year.

I went with an independent agent, who saved me hundreds of dollars on home and auto policies. More importantly, I did my part to put a little competition into the Texas insurance market.

Clearly the state is not going to protect us. Maybe less loyalty and a lot more price shopping will.

I'm through saying, "I'm not sick - it's just allergies," because I am sick, and it is allergies. You're no doubt sulking, too, if you feel like your head is full of wet toilet paper, there seems to be a mop head stuffed in each sinus, and you've got that little Hitler rash on your upper lip from blowing your nose so much.

Yeah, I know all about pollen counts, autoimmune response, and histamine release. This item in today's Houston Chronicle cuts through the medical jargon and puts the blame where it belongs: Tree sex.

Now that winter is nearly behind us, we've reached that time of year that aroused male trees begin to shed their pollen in hopes of birthing more trees.

The spores in the air, meant to inseminate the females, put our immune systems on the defensive. This creates lots of runny noses and general malaise for the 15 percent to 25 percent of the population that suffers from allergies.

We're suffering here, but do those randy trees care? No! They just keep ... mating ... all over the place, staging vulgar public displays of spores and pollens. Memo to trees: Get a room!

It's a bitter paradox. I love trees, and this is the thanks I get.

We got a robo-call a night or two ago from Kroger. It said the call had important product recall information....

And then the line went dead.

What? What? With the frequent-shopper cards we use at Krogers, I assumed the computer knew we had specifically purchased some recalled item.

I went to Kroger's web site and found a recall page. But I didn't recognize any of our usual purchases on the list.

The first item on the recall list did stop me. "Gerber," it said. And naturally I worried that we had a tainted product that one of the granddaughters might eat.

Then I looked more closely: "Gerber Gator Machete"!

Gerber machetes? Must be a different Gerber.

This is so distressing. As a recent column revealed, you can't rely on forwarded e-mails to get much of anything right in political matters.

And today's paper brings word that the e-mails don't know much about fire ants either.

Sorry to break it to you, but club soda won't kill the demon critters.

And that comment, of course, now has Rather in a lather as he tries to explain that no racist slight was intended.

OK, Citizen Blow, that raises an obvious Talking Race question: Would you buy a watermelon from Obama -- you know, if it comes down to that --- or are you still pressing down the hairs that stood up on the back of your neck?

For the record, I agree with Rather, who says his watermelon remark on The Chris Matthews Show was no more than an analogy that he drew from his childhood well of experiences. (However, Rather should've been savvy enough, if you ask me, to pick another fruit; but that's probably PC nitpicking.)

Here's a couple of relevant graphs from the aforementioned (and highlighted) piece Rather wrote for The Huffington Post.

Seems like I've seen this story before: Boy Scout troop works for months raising funds for a big camping trip, but somebody rips off the trailer holding all their equipment and supplies. Does this happen a lot?

Well, here are stolen-scout-trailer stories from Florida, Missouri, South Carolina, Houston, and Minnesota - and that's just one quick Google hunt.

Why this singular epidemic? This from Scouting Magazine:

Phillip Moore, assistant director of the [Boy Scouts of America's] Insurance and Risk Management Service, says a recent upsurge in stolen trailers and camping equipment is being reported across the United States. Since many chartered organizations such as churches and civic groups do not have the space to secure trailers and store equipment, which often is kept onsite in the trailers, they make an attractive target for thieves.

That's one reason. Another is that thieves are [bleep]heads who will steal from anybody, including children who want to go on camping trips.

Scouting suggests the equipment list should include a wheel lock - similar to the boots police use on parking offenders - to immobilize the trailer. They have 'em at boat dealers.

"The wheel lock is a visible deterrent and does not allow the trailer to be moved," Moore says.

Is it too late for us to say never mind to the Super Bowl?

If this promotional video is a sign of things to come, we're clearly not ready for the big time.

Says here that geologists from SMU and UT-Austin released a study confirming suspicions that two saltwater disposal wells associated with Barnett Shale natural gas operations may have spawned several small earthquakes in North Texas last year and the year before.

As you may recall, nobody got hurt during the quakes, the largest of which registered 3.3 on the Richter scale.

Don't know about you, but I've suddenly gotten really interested in saltwater wells. Here's a good place to get started.

The current issue of Texas Monthly has an interesting cover story about the unique experiences the state offers. Despite my mild disaffection for the uber-whimsical movie tie-in term "bucket list," the mag poses a gripping question: "If we had only one year left on earth, what would we do in the Lone Star State?"

They came up with 63 only-in-Texas suggestions, many of which I have happily done (visit Devil's River, float the Guadalupe, have a beer at the Shiner brewery) and a few of which I'll skip (eat calf fries).

I can't quarrel with most of the list, although there are a few items I would have added (the giant oak tree at Goose Island State Park, hot links at City Market in Luling, "Come and Take It" Days in Gonzales, read William Humphrey's "The Ordways").

It was hard not to note, however, that TM didn't find much to do-before-you-die in Big D. Among 63 far-flung items, I count five each in San Antonio, Austin, and Houston; four in El Paso; three each in Amarillo and Fort Worth.

In Dallas: two. Two! One is "Visit the State Fair of Texas" (well, Duh, I would have listed that under stuff they skipped as too-obvious-to-name like seeing the Alamo or the State Capitol). The other is "Have a Drink at the Mansion on Turtle Creek."

I'm shocked to realize that the victim of a fatal stabbing on Swiss Avenue is someone I knew. It had been awhile since I last heard from him, but James Crowell used to be a regular phone friend.

He took an interest in my columns shortly after I began to write them, now 21 years ago. And he would call to discuss various topics. He was a sweet-natured man who seemed to be interested in everything.

As I recall, he worked part-time for a funeral home and would stop by my desk to say hello whenever he came to the newspaper to deliver an obituary.

What an awful ending to a rich life.

As was reported here, 11-year-old Casey Rogers of Terrell won the right to implode Texas Stadium.

A former foster child who founded a charity aptly named Casey's Heart, Casey has been inspiring people with his dedication to helping the homeless.

His work with the homeless helped him win the Kraft Macaroni & Cheese essay contest for kids who've made a difference in their communities.

I was tickled pink by Casey's reaction to being picked to trigger the April 11 implosion: "Oh man, I'm just excited," the Terrell sixth-grader said. "Real excited."

For the record, I'm of the mind that the doctor group objecting to Kraft sponsoring the implosion is pushing nothing but a cheesy PR ploy, an ill-advised prescription for senseless discord.

Say, cheese.

OK, Jack, you have inspired me. If the Spirit of Memphis Quartet got the hymn book into the atomic age, maybe I can push it into the digital world.

So here are my new lyrics to "God 1.0":

Been to the Help Desk; T'was no help at all.
Life's a glitch, headed for a crash.
Bought the books for Dummies, found no answers there.
Problem wasn't Microsoft, oh, must be user error.

Tried my luck with McAfee, system still ran slow.
People swore by Apple, but tell that to Eve.
Firefox promised miracles, still I browsed around.
Every search came back in vain -- "File not found."

(Chorus)

Download the Lord, yes, I'm gonna download the Lord;
That's what it takes, to re-boot this old life.
Download the Lord, oh, stream his glory;
All my bugs are gone, L-O-L, I'm virus free!

(Hmm. Maybe some things don't need updating.)

Steve, there must be a specific genre of hymns that reconcile modern innovation with religion. Your reader (all of my readers, BTW, are completely hinged) reminds me of a spectacular gospel song, recorded in 1952 by the Sprit of Memphis Quartet:

Oh I have talked to Jesus
On the atomic telephone
No man know the power
Only God alone
It can cure the sick
Or destroy the people
With one sweep of power
Known by God alone

Great tune - I had it on a superb soundtrack album from the film Atomic Cafe. Sadly, I lost the LP in a divorce and now it's out of print. Full lyrics here.

I got a long, slightly unhinged letter from an elderly reader today. The fun part is that she included a page from an old hymnal with the song "The Royal Telephone."

It was written in 1919 and must have been an attempt to relate the newfangled technology to heavenly matters. I love the words:

Central's never "busy," Always on the line; You may hear from heaven Almost any time;

Tis a royal service, Free for one and all -- When you get in trouble, Give this royal line a call.

(Chorus)

Telephone to glory, O what joy divine! I can feel the current Moving on the line;

Built by God the Father For his loved and own, We may talk to Jesus, O'er this royal telephone.

Must have been a booger for church pianists. It's got five flats.

I think maybe there's something to this notion that the new smart meters are resulting in higher electric bills.

I was too lazy to pursue it, but I remember gulping when I saw my bill a month or so after the changeout at our house. It seemed substantially higher than a normal winter bill.

It must the the colder winter, I told myself, as an excuse not to paw back through old bills and deal with a "customer service" agent.

Among the junk e-mail this morning was one that I can only assume is a scam, but with an old-timey twist:

Dear Western Union member,

We are sorry to inform you that your Western Union Online Account has been suspended....

To restore your account we have attached a form to this email. Please download the form and follow the instructions on your screen.

Western Union? Is this a con job from some Nigerian who has been watching old U.S. Westerns and thinks Western Union is still the company every American uses?

Needless to say, I don't have a Western Union account and won't be downloading any forms.

A non-profit called the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine wants the city of Irving to cancel Kraft Foods' sponsorship of the Texas Stadium implosion, and substitute an anti-obesity campaign themed "cheese really blows you up."

Why even bother making this silly proposal? For the pub: The PCRM are old hands at this game.

It's difficult to find objecive information about the group, especially how many "doctors" it actually includes. Some PCRM literature claims a membership of several thousand physicians; Newsweek reported several years ago that fewer than 5 percent of it members are doctors.

Their primary purpose is to combat medical testing on animals and promote a vegan lifestyle - no dairy, no eggs, and no cheese, hence the demonization of macaroni and cheese. PCRM has had the food industry in its crosshairs for years: Among other things, it filed a lawsuit demanding that packages of hot dogs carry a warning label similar to cigarettes, admonishing that weenies cause cancer.

There's plenty of negative info about the group available, but most of it is supplied by "consumer groups" actually funded by the deep-pocket industries they oppose.

PCRM says it will donate $75,000 if Irving drops Kraft. Kraft says it's all about consumer choice. Irving Mayor Herb Gears says he's not amused. I just like macaroni and cheese.

The best ideas often are the simplest ones, the ones staring you in the face. Such is the case, it seems, with historian Ellen Fitzpatrick's, "Letters to Jackie: Condolences From a Grieving Nation."

You can read the full story from which I draw here.

Basically, Fitzpatrick, was at the John F. Kennedy Library in Boston doing research for another book when she asked to read some of the condolence letters sent to the Kennedy family. She wanted to get a better sense of how Kennedy was perceived by his fellow Americans at the time.

Well, there were more than 1.5 million letters.

I first told you about Rick and Terri Hawkins' noble effort to collect at least 1,000 pairs of crutches, walkers, wheelchairs, canes and the like for Haiti last month. Then I reported on the public's awesome response to the ambitious campaign.
Well, I'm delighted to report today that the Lake Highlands couple has exceeded its goal, thanks in large part to a recent crutch drive hosted by an Irving-based, family-owned restaurant chain, i Fratelli Ristorante & Wine Bar.
"We have over a thousand items, mostly crutches," Rick told me Monday morning while driving back with Terri from Missouri to visit their daughter. "We probably have right now in the 1,150 to 1,200 range."
Rick said he was grateful to all who helped, from scores of individuals who dropped off crutches at the Hawkins' home or at an i Fratelli restaurant, to the Richardson Girl Scouts troop that collected more than 50 items.
As a Lake Highlands' resident, I couldn't be more proud of Rick and Terri. And as a blessed yet humbled American citizen, I couldn't be more proud of the concern and compassion shown by all who helped turn this dreamy idea into a successful, humanitarian outreach. Well done, one and all.

The front page of the paper paper this morning offered an interesting juxtaposition. The huge headline trumpeted the Best Picture Oscar for a movie about bombs in Iraq.

And the smaller headline next to it was about real bombs in Iraq.

Congratulations to all those involved in creating The Hurt Locker.

But far bigger congratulations and admiration go to the Iraqi people who defied bombs to exercise their right to vote.

CEDAR HILL -- Now here's something to sing about. The Bray Elementary Character Chorus is performing in Orlando this weekend. In January, I wrote about the choir's effort to raise money for the trip. Organizers needed to raise $56,000 to send 52 choir members to Orlando for America Sings, a nonprofit festival that allows young artists to "combine music, charitable giving and community service."
Well, they pulled it off.
"The article you wrote has truly helped," wrote third-grade teacher and Character Chorus director Elizabeth Podany. "It inspired a community! Thoughts, letters, and prayers were so kindly received."
The group raised about $33,000 total, Podany said, but were able to make up the difference out of their pockets. They left Friday for three nights and four days -- and were set to stage their first performance late Friday evening.
I'm sure we'll hear all about it when they return.

As with Austin crazyman Joseph Stack III, there's a race on to pigeonhole the Pentagon shooter's politics.

Right-wing extremist? Anti-government libertarian?

I hate to bring this up again, since I'm stilling getting pissy e-mails from people irate that I called the Fort Hood shooter a "nut with a gun" instead of a Muslim jihadist. Do we really hate one another's smoking guts so much that some established political group has to field the blame everytime some wack job blows a transformer?

This guy was anti-government - in part, it's being reported, because he favored unrestricted immigration and pot use, issues which do not quite fit the "right wing extremist" model.

Here's a tip in pondering this guy, Stack, the Fort Hood gunman, and others of similar stripe: Ideology-wise, they're difficult to typecast BECAUSE THEY ARE CRAZY.

The big difference between me and any of these guys is not how we voted in the last election. The big difference is that THEY ARE CRAZY and I'm not.

The Shape of Things (at the Wyly Theatre)

Titillating, damaging, sad. Sexual manipulation at its best -- or worst.

I was always jealous of kids whose parents paid them for good grades on report cards.

Dad could be a bit hard-nosed about such things. "Why should I pay you for doing what you're supposed to be doing anyway?" he reasoned.

But Newsweek reports in its current issue that some Texas programs to pay kids for good grades paid off in real academic gains. This is according to the first long-term study of cash incentives.