Stan Van Gundy Gives Players 'Dr. BBQ's Big-Time Barbecue Cookbook' To Read During Road Trip
ORLANDO, FL—Continuing a tradition that stretches back to his early years with the Miami Heat, Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy routinely presents his players with classic barbecue cookbooks to inspire them and provide insights during road trips. more»
Sports »
'She's Probably A Money-Hungry Liar,' Extremely Nervous Steelers Fans Report
PITTSBURGH—In the wake of sexual assault allegations made against Ben Roethlisberger by a Georgia college student, nervous Steelers fans across the nation speculated that the supposed victim was most likely a conniving harpy... more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Video »
Obama Caught Lip-Syncing Speech
After Obama slips up during an address on health care, White House officials are forced to admit the president occasionally uses a backing track for important speeches.
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Infographic »
Alternate Health Care Bills
In response to President Obama's call for compromise, several lawmakers have concocted their own health care reform bills. Here are some......more»
Local
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Houseguest Just Going To Lie There Until Rest Of House Wakes Up
SAN DIEGO—In an effort to pass the time, houseguest Kevin Keegan will continue finding interesting patterns in the texture of the ceiling's stucco, listening to the ticking of a large wall clock, and trying to ignore his growing urge to urinate....more»
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National News Highlights »
CLOVIS,NM-Rooting around in the garage for the stud finder, Vince Mendez stumbled on his old medical degree he’d totally forgotten about.
World
Entertainment
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Once Mighty Super Bowl Commercial Now Sad, Pathetic 'Price Is Right' Commercial
LOS ANGELES—Though it once stood proud as a majestic and much-celebrated Super Bowl ad—captivating an audience of millions with its......more»
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Horoscopes »
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your life will soon be divided into Pre-Angering-Of-The-Ants and Post-Angering-Of-The-Ants eras.
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News In Photos »
Bandai Recalls Lady Gaga
Science & Technology
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Google Responds To Privacy Concerns With Unsettlingly Specific Apology
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—"Whether you're Michael Paulson who lives at 3425 Longview Terrace and makes $86,400 a year, or Jessica Goldblatt from Lynnwood, WA, who already has well-established trust issues, we at Google would just like to say how very, truly sorry we are," said CEO Eric Schmidt....more»
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News In Photos »
Nesting Sea Turtle Escorted From Private Beach
Opinion
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Commentary »
I Didn't Spend 6 Weeks In A Medical License Reinstatement Ethics Class To Have You Call Me 'Mister'It's tragic how people treat doctors in this day and age. The lack of respect for the education and training medical professionals go through,......more»
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Letters to the Editor »
Dear The Onion,
I missed the first 30 years of Garfield. Would you mind summarizing? Thanks.
Sarah Weatherly, Lincoln, NE
Economy
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Fork Manufacturer Introduces Fifth Tine To Accommodate Growing American Mouthfuls
EVANSVILLE, IN—In an effort to keep pace with the rapid growth of American mouthfuls, flatware manufacturer KitchenMaster announced......more»
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U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion
WASHINGTON—"I've spent the last 24 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' but what have I actually accomplished? All I've done is move arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another," said longtime stock trader Michael Palermo....more»
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Stockwatch »
GOYA
GoyaAlthough it is not uncommon among Latin American firms, markets still reacted negatively to news that a radical cannery laborer had seized control of the corporate headquarters, disbanded the board of directors, and declared himself chief financial officer for life.
