How to Listen to Someone Who Is Hurting
Whenever people face bereavement, injury, or other kinds of trauma, they need to
talk about it in order to heal. To talk, they need willing listeners.
Unfortunately, many of us shrink from listening to people in pain. We may feel
like we have enough troubles of our own, or be afraid of making matters worse by saying
the wrong thing.
Sometimes we excuse ourselves by assuming that listening to people who are hurting is
strictly a matter for professionals such as psychotherapists or members of the clergy. It is
true that professional people can help in special ways, and provide the suffering individual
with insights that most of us aren't able to offer. However, their assistance, although
valuable, is no substitute for the caring interest of supervisors, co-workers, friends, and
others from the person's normal daily life.
It is natural to feel reluctant or even afraid of facing another person's painful feelings. But
it is important not to let this fear prevent us from doing what we can to help someone who
is suffering.
Though each situation is unique, some guidelines can help make the process easier:
DO NOT SAY:
"You shouldn't take it so hard."
"You're overreacting."
Anything which tries to minimize the person's pain.
"It could be a lot worse"
"You're young: you'll get over it"
Anything which asks the person to disguise or reject his/her feelings.
"You have to pull yourself together."
These are helpful guidelines, but the most important thing is to be there and listen in a
caring way. People will understand if you say something awkward in a difficult situation.
Once you have finished talking, it may be appropriate to offer simple forms of help.
Check about basic things like eating and sleeping. Sharing a meal may help the person
find an appetite. Giving a ride to someone too upset to drive may mean a lot. Ask what
else you can do to be of assistance.
After you have talked to someone who is hurting, you may feel as if you have absorbed
some of that person's pain. Take care of yourself by talking to a friend, taking a walk, or
doing whatever helps restore your own spirits. Congratulate yourself on having had the courage to help someone
in need when it wasn't easy.