Cancer in the Family: What It's Like for You
People to Help You, Besides Your Parents It May Be Hard to Talk About Cancer Being Scared Feeling Guilty Getting Mad Feeling Neglected Feeling Lonely Answering Questions Feeling Embarassed Dealing With Side Effects Changing
When someone in your family has cancer, it may mean many things to you. Other
people who have been through it say it can be a lot of things: confusing,
scary, lonely, and much more. You may find that you have feelings that are hard
to understand and sometimes hard to share.
This section tells about the experiences of others who have had a family member
with cancer. Some of what you read, especially about feelings, may not make
sense or seem right to you. It may even seem silly. Or it may seem a lot like
what you've felt and what has happened to you.
Remember, feelings aren't "good" or "bad." They are just
feelings and are normal and shared by many others. And even if you try to wish
them away or ignore them, or if you feel guilty or ashamed of them, they'll
still be there.
A good way to handle feelings is to admit you have them and talk about them.
Talk with your parents, other adults, or your friends. Or you can talk with
others who have had a family member with cancer. You'll be surprised how much
better you feel once you have talked about your feelings.
For Support and Sharing Feelings:
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Grandparents, aunts, uncles
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Neighbors
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Teachers, guidance counselors
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Ministers, rabbis, priests
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Coaches, youth or scout leaders
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Special adult friends
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Older brother or sister
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Friends your own age
For Support and Information About Cancer:
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Someone at the hospital-a doctor, nurse, social worker, or other person
treating your family member
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Family doctor
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School nurse
Sometimes it's not easy to talk about what you feel or about problems. Not only
is it hard to say what you feel, but other people may not be ready or able to
listen or to be helpful. Some of your questions may upset your parents because
they don't know how to answer or because your worries remind them of their own.
It's possible that your parents may not be ready to talk when you are. They may
need more time to sort things out in their own minds before they can talk with
you. Some parents, no matter how much they love their children, don't know how
to talk about upsetting things with them. If your parents aren't able to talk
with you about your feelings, they may be able to help you find someone you can
talk to, like someone at the hospital, a relative or friend, or a teacher or
school counselor.
Here is what some others who have had a parent or brother or sister with cancer
have said about what they felt:
"I really didn't understand much at first. Mostly I was afraid that she
might die, because my sister and I are pretty close. I was really scared, and I
also thought it might be catching or something."-Laura, age 13
The girl who said this had a sister with cancer, but it can be just as scary
when a parent has cancer. When someone is first diagnosed with cancer, it may
seem as though your whole world has fallen apart. You may not know much about
it, so you may remember what you've heard about cancer before. Being afraid
someone might die from cancer is normal, especially if the only people with
cancer that you have known have died. And being afraid that you or another
person in the family might catch it is normal, too. Why? Because there are so
many things you can catch from someone else such as a cold or the flu. It's
easy to think cancer may be the same, but doctors and other scientists know
that you cannot catch cancer from anyone. Learning about cancer can help you.
You will feel less afraid when you know more about the disease.
"One day I went to the clinic with my brother for his treatment. I saw the
machine that he gets radiation from and how IVs work, and I met his doctor and
the nurses. I saw lots of other kids who didn't have any more hair than he
does. Now, when he goes to the clinic, I don't have to wonder what he's going
through. I know what it's like. It's no fun for a little kid like him, but it's
not as bad as I thought."-Matthew, age 14
Hearing about treatments and tests can be hard. Some people find it's scary
just to think about the needles and blood tests and radiation treatments.
Sometimes, learning about these things and talking to the person with cancer
(or someone else) about what it's really like is the best way to deal with
these fears. If a trip to the hospital is possible, it might help.
"When dad's in the hospital, mom goes too, and I stay with my aunt, Emily.
She's nice, but sometimes, I get scared because I don't know how dad is, or I
miss them. So now mom and dad call me every night before dinner, and they tell
me what's happening, and I can tell them about my day, and I know they're all
right."-Erin, age 9
Sometimes, when one parent has cancer, the other one spends a lot of time at
the hospital and away from the rest of the family. Having their parents at the
hospital instead of at home can be scary to some young people. They may worry
about their parents and need to have someone special to call to make sure that
things are all right.
"I got really mad at Chrissy one day. She wouldn't let me go bike riding
with her and my cousin, and I got mad and said 'I wish you were dead.' Now she
has leukemia, and she could die, and I think maybe it's my fault. I was scared
to tell anyone because then they'd all know what I did and be mad. But my dad
heard me crying one night, and he got me to tell him why. He says it isn't my
fault or anybody else's that Chrissy has cancer, and you can't make somebody
get cancer just by what you say."-Katy, age 10
Until you understand what does and doesn't cause cancer, it's easy to think
that anything could have done it-even words or a fall.
"I left my junk all over the floor one night instead of putting it away,
and the next morning, mom fell over it. She was mad and had a lot of bruises. A
little later, the doctor told her she had cancer. She's in the hospital now.
Maybe if she hadn't fallen down because of me, she'd be okay."-Tom, age 11
Just as words can't cause cancer, neither can bruises or bumps or even broken
bones. Never forget: It was nothing you did, said, or thought that caused the
cancer.
Some people are afraid to tell any one what they are thinking and may feel
guilty for a long time. Even if your parents can see that something is worrying
you, they may not be able to guess what it is. It's hard to talk about,
especially if you think you've done something wrong, and everyone will be mad
at you. But it is best to get it out in the open so you and your parents or
someone at the hospital can talk it over.
People sometimes feel guilty because they are well, and their parent or sibling
is sick. Young people may feel that it's not right for them to enjoy things
they like to do when the person with cancer can't do what he or she likes.
These feelings show that you care about your family, but it's important to care
not only for the person with cancer but also for yourself. It's best for
everyone if you keep being you and doing things that are important to you.
"Last year, mom and dad always drove me to play softball, but now dad's
sick and mom's always at the hospital or busy at work or at home. I didn't
think I'd be able to play this year, and I wasn't sure I should, with my dad so
sick. I told my grandmom, and she said I should play, and she'd take me. She
likes to come, and she tells my folks all about the game and how I played. Next
year, maybe, they'll all be able to come."-Dave, age 11
"Sometimes, I feel mad at my brother for having cancer. I know that's not
right, and he can't help it. But it has changed everything. My mom and dad
don't talk about anything but him and neither does anyone else. It's just not
fair."-Sharon, age 13
People who have a brother or sister or a parent with cancer can feel angry at
that person for getting sick and changing their lives. This may seem wrong, and
people sometimes feel guilty about getting mad. But, if having someone with
cancer in your family means you can't be with your parents as much or have to
stay somewhere else or give up things you like, it can be hard. Even if you
understand why it's happening, you don't have to like it. Others who have been
through it say it's important to remember that things won't always be this way.
And when you get mad, remember that it doesn't mean you are a bad person or
don't love the person with cancer. It just means you're mad.
One of the things that young people get mad about is feeling left out or
neglected. Some feel that they don't get as much attention as before, and they
often are right. Family members, including your parents, all have a lot on
their minds, and they may have to put all their energy into helping the person
with cancer. This may not leave much time for you, especially if they are going
back and forth to the clinic or hospital.
Young people often feel that the brother or sister with cancer gets more
attention from their parents.
"At night my parents go in and turn on my sister's light and kiss her good
night, and they don't come in my room-well, sometimes mom will. She tells me,
'Don't think we are partial to her.' "-Maria, age 15
Young people may feel that their sibling with cancer gets away with a lot of
things that they can't do.
"If I do something wrong, mom yells. If my brother does, she lets it
pass."-Dennis, age 13
Why do some parents do this? It's not because they don't love all their
children. This is a confusing time for them, just as it is for you. They have
to learn a lot about cancer and hospitals very fast. They are tired and
worried. They see one of their children sick and may try to make up for it by
giving that child a little more attention. Parents know, as you do, that some
people die from cancer, and they could be afraid of that and want to do all
they can for your brother or sister who has cancer. Sometimes they give a young
person with cancer special treatment that isn't wanted.
"I have a sister who has cancer. She gets upset because she's treated
differently now. She doesn't want to be babied, just treated normally as she
was before. She and mom always used to fight, and now mom is really sweet all
the time, and it's weird. Not that my sister likes to fight, but it's just not
normal." -Peggy, age 15
For whatever reason, and whether your brother or sister likes it or not, your
parents may give special treatment to the one who has cancer. At times like
this, it's normal to feel jealous, even if people tell you that you shouldn't
because you're not sick. But it's natural for you to want time with your
parents and some special attention, too.
Young people who have a parent with cancer also may feel neglected.
"Now that mom's sick, everything at our house is different. We hardly ever
eat together as a family anymore, and there's never anyone to help me with my
homework or to listen to me. Mom used to do that. I feel like it's sort of
being left up to me to take care of myself."-Martha, age 13
When one parent has cancer, the other one may be so busy that neither one of
them can spend much time with the rest of the family.
"Sometimes, my father feels like he is neglecting us because he is with
mom so much. And, in a way, it's true. I know he can't help it. He has to work
and wants to see mom, but he's not around like he used to be, and he doesn't do
things with us like he did. He's just too busy."-Barry, age 16
If you feel like you're not getting much attention, whether you have a parent
or a brother or sister with cancer, remember that the person with cancer is
getting more attention because they need special care not because you are loved
less.
You may be lucky and have a special friend and friends who treat you the same
as before your family member was diagnosed with cancer. But many young people
with cancer in their families have found that they've lost some of their
friends. Sometimes this happens because friends may not know much about cancer
and may be afraid of catching it from you. Or they may not know what to say and
find it easier to stay away than to be embarrassed. Having cancer in your
family may make you act a little different because you're upset or scared or
embarrassed or because you want to be with your family.
"Sometimes, my friends wonder why I act strange. I wish they understood
that, sometimes, I don't want to do what they're doing, I really want to be
with my sick sister."-Nan, age 12
If your friends don't understand, they may think that you don't want to see
them anymore. It can be a hard time for all of you.
What can you do? You may need to reach out to your friends, even if that's hard
to do. Maybe everyone won't respond as you'd like, but it helps if you give
them a chance. Often friends just don't know how to act and need you to tell
them how you want to be treated. They also may need you to show that you still
need them, even if you seem a little different because you're upset. You may
want to invite them over to watch TV, play video games, or just to talk. Let
them know that you still enjoy talking with them on the phone or going to the
movies- just as you did before.
If this is a hard time for you, remember that it won't last forever. Old friends
may become close to you again. And people who have lost friends have found that
they also made new ones. There may be someone at school who has had a sick
person in the family and will understand how you feel. That person could be a
special new friend.
When your friends do talk to you, some of them may not say what you want to
hear. Sometimes, especially in the beginning, people ask a lot of questions
that are hard to answer.
"People asked me questions all the time. They'd say things like 'I heard
Jean is in a coma' or 'I heard you were hysterical.' Whenever I told them the
truth, they didn't believe me. And they'd ask dumb questions like 'Can Jean
walk? Can she write?' They didn't know what was going on, and I didn't know how
to answer them. I got sick of it."-John, age 14
One way to answer your classmates' questions is for you and your parents to
talk to your teacher and see if the teacher or someone who knows about cancer
and its treatment can talk to your class. Ask the doctor, nurse, or social
worker about a school conference or classroom presentation. This will give your
friends a chance to ask their questions and be sure they're getting the right
answers-not about your family member but about cancer in general.
Other people ask questions, and they may not know that some of them are hard
for you to answer or make you feel bad. If you want to answer their questions,
it's a good idea to think of what people might ask and have an answer ready.
People may ask you how the person with cancer is feeling or how long the person
will be in the hospital. And they also may ask questions like these:
"Are you going to get cancer from your mother?"
"Why does your brother always wear that cap? Did his hair really fall
out?"
"Is your dad going to die?"
"What did your sister do to get cancer?"
You may want to get help finding answers to questions like these. There may be
several people to ask such as your parents, teacher, or school counselor, an
adult friend, or the doctor, nurse, or social worker. And remember, you always
can tell people that you don't want to talk about something or that you don't
know. You don't have to answer their questions. Sometimes, though, trying to
answer a few questions and talking about your feelings can help others
understand what you are experiencing.
"Since my brother lost his hair and got so pale and thin, I don't want to
bring my friends home anymore. I don't want them to see how different Tim looks
now, and I don't think he likes to see them. Besides, it's not easy to laugh
and giggle at home when someone is sick."-Caroline, age 12
Sometimes people who have a person with cancer in their family may feel
embarrassed because now their family is different. It is different from what it
used to be, and it is different from their friends' families. And people who
ask them questions they can't answer just embarrass them more. So sometimes
they want to try to leave the cancer at home and hope that none of their
friends learn about it. Of course, you can't really do that because when
someone you love is sick, you need people you can talk to and who understand if
you're upset. If you feel a little embarrassed around people because someone in
your family has cancer, remember that others have felt this way also and that
this feeling often goes away once everyone has gotten used to what is
happening.
Even though others feel all right about asking a lot of questions, some people
with a family member who has cancer find that it embarrasses them to ask
questions. Just remember: No question is a dumb question if you don't
understand it.
"At first I didn't ask any questions, although I had a lot of them. I
thought people would think I was really dumb, but now I know it really helps to
ask."-Brad, age 14
"Diane had all this hair, and some nights it would fall out and be all over
her pillow when she woke up, or fall out in her comb, or when she washed her
hair. It really kind of scared me to see that happen at first, but she took it
pretty well." -Lois, age 16
When someone you love has side effects from cancer treatments, you too have to
learn to live with these changes. It may seem a little strange at first, or
scary, but other people have found that they soon got used to it. Some people
outside the family may not understand, and they may hurt the feelings of the
person with cancer.
"When my little brother, James, went back to school, he was still on chemo
and had lost all his hair, so he wore a baseball cap. One day a kid pulled the
cap off and teased him. James said everybody stared at him. Mom says we should
feel sorry for that kid because he doesn't know any better. But I don't, I feel
sorry for James."-Amy, age 12
It's hard to imagine why anyone would want to tease James, but it's not as
important to know why someone did it as it is to know that these things may
happen, and that you can't always protect your brother or sister. What you can
do for people with cancer is try to understand how they feel and help them see
that they still have friends. And, if you tease them from time to time, like
you did before they had cancer, it's not a bad thing, as long as you don't keep
it up for long or keep doing it when you see that it really hurts their
feelings. Brothers and sisters all tease each other, and it's important that,
even when your brother or sister has cancer, you treat each other as much like
before as you can.
You may be shocked if the person who has cancer looks different after coming
home.
"My dad has cancer, and he was in the hospital for a long time. When he
finally got to come home, he was still really sick. I had to help him up the
stairs because he was so weak. It was strange, because he had always been so
big and strong, and now he was weak. It bothered me."-Richard, age 16
Even if someone tells you that your family member won't look the same, you may
not be prepared for the changes. Try to find out what type of changes to
expect. It may be hard for you, but it's important to remember that, even if
they look different, they're still the same person.
Some young people who have a family member with cancer may change a little
themselves. Sometimes they don't realize it or don't know why. But, with all
the new and different experiences and feelings, it's not surprising that people
change. They may have trouble at school or be unable to concentrate or to get
along with other people as well as they did before.
They may start to be a little less careful or do things that are dangerous,
maybe getting hurt more often.
They may worry a lot about getting sick themselves and may even get sick more
often. Their school grades may fall, or they may become more involved in school
than they were before and make better grades.
Any of these changes can happen because young people who are scared or worried
or whose lives have changed may need more attention at home. Just as with other
problems or worries, it helps to talk with people who care and understand
what's happening.
If you haven't noticed that you have changed, someone else may notice and want
to talk to you about it. If they do, it's because they want to help. Your
parents or teachers or social workers at the hospital or clinic all may be able
to help if you've changed in a way that isn't good for you or that makes you
sad and uncomfortable.
Not all of the changes are bad; some may be good. Many young people who have
had cancer in the family felt it has helped them grow up. Others say it also
has brought their family closer together.
"My brother is in remission now. Things were pretty bad at first. Then,
after a while, things sort of settled down and got back to the way they were
before. I think Billy's cancer brought us all closer together. I get along
better with him and my sister and even with my older brother now. I'm closer to
mom and dad. And I think we all grew up a lot while he was sick."-Alice,
age 15
Remember
- Don't be ashamed or afraid of the way you feel. Others in your situation have felt the same way.
- Sometimes things are better if you talk about them. Share your feelings with your parents,
or another adult, or a friend you can trust.
- Learn about cancer and the way it is treated. What we first imagine about cancer
is often far worse than what is really happening.
- Try to find other people your age who have a person in their family with cancer or
a serious illness. You may be able to share your feelings with them.
- If you overhear someone talking and what you hear scares you, ask them
to explain what they said. Don't assume that you heard everything and understood
what it meant; ask about it.
- Don't forget the adults other than your parents who can help you.
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