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My lawyers have asked me to point out that calling that a joke was highly misleading, and demand a retraction. Eh, never stopped me before. |
I heard Jett Travolta died and came as fas as I could. Did anyone beat me to the Saturday Night Fever joke? |
Feel compelled to note that previous tweet was not aimed at @EffingBoring, who is lovely and infinitely followable. |
Ps, back for realsies soon. Save the funny stuff! |
I'm really psyched about your new domain, dude. Why don't you tell me all about it, while I stand over here and pretend to give a fuck. |
Look, lying in bed all day with flu is not pathetic, it's manly and— oh fuck it, my eyes are watering again. Get me a tissue, someone. |
Something about Heather Mills and stocking fillers. I don't know, fuck it, it's Christmas and I'm drunk. So fuck you guys. |
Merry Christmas or whatever. I'll be back in the new year. ☃ |
Nativity scene in my town centre is a teen girl with a baby and 3 guys in tracksuits that might be the father with gifts of child support. |
Hey dude, your microblog kind of makes you seem like a macrojackass. |
Well maybe if the dishwasher wasn't so close to the kettle, I wouldn't have stood there for 3 minutes thinking the kettle was boiling. |
Walked in on my housemate masturbating last week. Don't worry, she was asleep. |
Finally got fed up of my demanding girlfriend. So today when she said I should donate sperm, I gave her a mouthful. |
The bank called today to remind me my overdraft is a year old. So embarrassing. Sending a birthday card first thing tomorrow. |
Is it really that bad to lie about how you spent your day, when faced with admitting you wasted it masturbating into your own filth? |
Went to see a palm reader. She said that I'm single, lonely, and sexually frustrated. And that I should wash my hands after masturbating. |
Realising you actually quite like Dubstep is about as horrifying as the moment you realise you actually *prefer* women's underwear. |
Using Quicksilver kind of makes me feel like I'm cheating. Like sleeping with a girl before introducing yourself or getting her drunk. |
Business plan: two of man's greatest creations in one place. Joint comedy club and whorehouse. But should I call it BROFL or BORDELLOL? |
"I think I'm allergic to you," "What?" "My penis swells up whenever I'm around you." Ill-advised pick up line #851 |
