My husband signed me up to sing carols w/ only 3 people, at dark, for $, outside in the cold. Guess where I'm going to stuff his stocking. 36 minutes ago from web |
Caught 5 minutes of Tori Spelling on HSN. Much of her stuff looked like animals, from bees to zebras. By no accident, she avoided the horse. about 14 hours ago from web |
Hello, Onstar? There's a young child being dangled from a speeding car window. He won't stop screaming so I'm about to drop him. about 20 hours ago from web |
E! asked Clay Aiken, Ryan Seacrest and Lance Bass their favorite Christmas carols and all I could think of was "We Three Queens." 1:53 PM Dec 11th from web |
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Planned Parenthood is selling gift certificates for Christmas. Because nothing says "I love you" like "Honey, get those warts checked out." 8:00 AM Dec 11th from web |
Almost got smashed by my falling Christmas tree. Forget gay, I'm calling in Jewish. No one ever got taken out by a falling dreidel. 5:29 PM Dec 10th from web |
If I slip my mom her dog's prozac, will it still work? If it makes her nicer, I'm willing to risk that she might lift her leg to pee. 4:04 PM Dec 10th from web |
Kid at preschool said his brother said the "B" word. I asked which "B" word & the kid whispered in my ear, "Bagina." 8:15 AM Dec 10th from web |
I think the bird of love is the dove. My husband thinks it's the swallow. 8:49 AM Dec 9th from web |
Just yelled, "Mommy's tampons are not Nerf darts. Period."
Five year olds have no appreciation for the double entendre. 4:27 PM Dec 8th from web |
My son's crossed another line at Christian preschool. He keeps singing about Santa in the manger & thinks the 3 Wise Men were Power Rangers. 7:43 AM Dec 8th from web |
You know that iPhone app where your friends can track your whereabouts? Just the idea makes me feel so trapped I'm gnawing at my own leg. 1:18 PM Dec 7th from web |
Regretting the questionable Asian buffet. Between the "sushi" & ensuing bathroom visits, I fear I picked up krab & crabs at the same time. 12:28 PM Dec 7th from web |
Sometimes where there's smoke, there's fire. And sometimes there's just two stoned hippies at the Christmas tree farm. 3:36 PM Dec 6th from web |
My son got a balloon art kit. After 2 hours, my swords still look like penises. The directions say it's easy, but that's clearly a phallusy. 1:52 PM Dec 6th from web |
My son told his doctor that I beat him sometimes. When we were alone, I asked why he lied & he said, "What? I don't always win Candyland." 8:53 AM Dec 6th from web |
I'm not sure, but I think I'm feeling ambivalent today. 8:23 AM Dec 6th from web |
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I bought holiday stamps & the choices were Nutcracker or Virgin which was odd because the mail lady's vibe leaned toward ballbreaking whore. 12:15 PM Dec 4th from web |