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jackhandey
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone. |
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting. |
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. |
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it easy! |
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes. Hey, better try the emergency brake. |
...fish with long blonde hair. |
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jelly |
You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in awhile. It's their way |
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend. |
When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different. |
Before a mad scientist goes mad, there's probably a time when he's only partially mad. And this is when he's going to throw his best parties. |
One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors. |
For me, the worst thing about having King Kong walk down your street is that kids could look up and see the giant genitalia. |
Instead of crucifying a guy on a cross, what about a windmill? That way you get the pain AND the dizziness. |
Many people don't realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also at important business meetings. |
Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed. |
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