Apple holds an undisclosed patent on a polished metal alloy that, upon unwrapping, secretly scratches itself when left unattended. 3:00 PM Dec 11th from web |
There are no atheists on the seventh-graders' first day with the Bunsen Burners. 9:45 AM Dec 11th from web |
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Brie update: I still hate brie. In related news, HLAGHSPTAGH YKKKHHHACPTH FUCKIN' GLAGH SPATHGH YLAHHHHH. 9:15 AM Dec 8th from twitterrific |
Still beaming at the sight of snow on car hoods. Hoping it's still there when I get around to freezing a snowball for April deployment. 1:52 AM Dec 7th from twitterrific |
Breakfast 'round these parts involves mixing 2 different cereals, granola, dried berries, and roasted almonds. Long road ahead, terrorists. 11:15 PM Dec 4th from web |
Awkward moment when my 6th graders asked where the names of Jupiter's moons came from. (Women Zeus seduced. While married. To his sister.) 7:03 AM Dec 4th from web |
Perhaps I felt it easier to overeat the leftovers rather than wash the lid to the appropriately-sized tupperware; this is not your concern. 5:10 PM Dec 2nd from web |
Hey, twentysomethings! Fixin' to feel like a complete jackass? Try explaining pogs to your thirtysomething coworkers! (Yeah, this happened.) 3:58 PM Dec 2nd from web |
Someone From College is behind me in line for the NYC bus. Don't remember her name. Might pretend I don't see her. Growing up sucks. 2:52 PM Nov 30th from txt |
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Watching KISS concert videos with the brother. Peter Criss now in hot contention with Ringo Starr for the Best Sport In Rock History. 2:43 PM Nov 29th from web |
Kid next to me on the bus, you don't grow any body hair, and almost certainly don't play sports. How the fuck do you manage to stink so bad? 12:17 PM Nov 26th from txt |
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Moving cats in cars should be an event in debasement-driven Japanese game shows. Ask poor, poor @effingboring for the urine-soaked details. 2:06 PM Nov 23rd from web |
...this bathroom has, like, 7 exposed walls it's so cheek-clenchingly cold. And I'm supposed to get WET in this room? On PURPOSE? 2:48 PM Nov 22nd from twitterrific |
For the entire duration of my birthday, I wish to communicate exclusively by means of an Arnold Schwarzenegger Soundboard. 3:38 PM Nov 20th from web |
ProTip: when teaching Chemistry students how to name ionic compounds, keep Bromine in your back pocket for whenever you need cheap lulz. 2:55 PM Nov 20th from web |
dm @911 FUCKING HELP I ate a golden retriever of pizza and all color is draining from my vision and wait shit this isn't my cell phone 6:14 PM Nov 19th from web |