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Westminster has been a ghost town all week as politicians from all parties have decamped north in a desperate bid to save the union. Even those who have been forced to stay behind might as well have been absent; since last Sunday's opinion poll gave the yes vote a narrow lead, almost everyone has given up pretending they have anything but Scotland on their mind. The cross-party – aka all hands to the pump – consensus that united David Cameron, Ed Miliband and Nick Clegg on Wednesday was now extended to questions for the secretary of state for business, innovation and skills.
"The secretary of state will have heard Lloyds bank and Clydesdale bank say that they will relocate their headquarters to London in the event of separation," said Chuka Umunna, the shadow business secretary. "Does that not illustrate the lorry load of uncertainty for jobs, competitiveness and growth in Scotland that will come with the break-up of one of the most successful unions the world has ever seen?"
Vince Cable wasn't going to miss the tap-in.
"In addition to the lists of institutions he has just given, Standard Life has made it clear that it could not remain in Scotland," he replied. "A country the size of an independent Scotland would not be able to support those institutions."
Cable then went on to say – more in sorrow than anger, naturally, and certainly with no hint of a threat – that he'd been talking to the chief executive of the Royal Bank of Scotland about how his institution would also have to move to England.
A few sobs broke out among the more sentimental backbenchers; the more robust continued to probe the minister on the imminent demise on all things Scottish.
Would Scottish universities have to lose their research funding? Regrettably, yes, though Cable hoped they might remain centres of excellence. In bankruptcy perhaps.
As the session continued, it became clear Cable didn't rate the survival chances of any Scottish business. Princes Street in Edinburgh would be boarded up by next weekend, the fish and chipper in Inverness harbour done for the week after and the only business still open by Christmas would be the petrol station on the A74(M) near Lockerbie. Though not the one on the northbound carriageway.
There was at least one person in the Commons who wasn't thinking about Scotland. but then Philip Hollobone, MP for Kettering, only ever has one thing on his mind: Kettering. The world begins and ends at his constituency border. "Is it not now time to praise entrepreneurs, such as those who attend the monthly business breakfast club in Kettering?" he enquired of Ed Vaizey.
The minister of state was only too happy to do so, though he held back from suggesting the hundreds of thousands soon-to-be-out-of-work Scots might improve their life chances by signing up to a Kettering breakfast club rather than voting yes next Thursday.
With that, it was time for William Hague to list next week's parliamentary business. Of which there is none, because everyone is far too excited about Scotland and the party conference season starts the week after. There was a brief flurry of excitement as a noise was heard behind the Speaker's chair. Was this the first ever appearance of chief whip Michael "W-h-e-r-e-'s Mikey?" Gove at business questions? No. That would have to wait another month. It was just the sound of tumbleweed blowing through the chamber.
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