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Steel yourselves readers, for now we venture into one of the internet’s darkest and bleakest corners: the grim realm of the unbearably twee, celebrity-endorsed lifestyle website. As you doubtless know, this was once a one-party state, an autocracy ruled by Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop, less a website than a peek into a bizarro alternate universe, where the “inner aspect” is “nourished”, children willingly eat flax oil for breakfast, and “bath salts for inner peace” can be had for a mere $78 (£48) a packet.
But recently, Goop’s dominion has been tested. It finds itself assailed by a pretender to the throne in the shape of Gossip Girl star Blake Lively’s Preserve. The challenge is a strong one. In the event that any of you have visited Goop and thought, “This is OK – I like the stuff about flax oil – but it could do with being both a little more mimsy and a little more pleased with itself”, Lost in Showbiz directs you to Preserve’s “about us” page, there to enjoy a style of writing that succeeds in making the blurb on an Innocent Smoothie bottle look like something written by David Peace.
“Maybe it’s sentimental of us, but we hold fast to memories and moments, to relics from bygone eras. Our goal is to support the America we’ve always known, and the one we haven’t yet met. We hope to achieve this in small but meaningful ways, through the stories we tell, the treasures we share … We believe that nurturing a better tomorrow upholds the yesterday we cherish, for all of us. Sometimes we walk proudly. Other times we stumble gracelessly. Yet we take each step with a generous measure of never-ending curiosity and wonder.” Further examination of the Preserve website reveals this to be a roundabout way of saying: wallet out, knobhead, we’re going to try to flog you an apron for $110.
In the realm of the unbearably twee, celebrity-endorsed lifestyle website, battle is joined. This week news reached Lost in Showbiz that Lively herself had been attacked by a swarm of bees while on a photoshoot for Preserve. Lost in Showbiz has no wish to cast aspersions, but it merely notes with interest that Goop has published pieces on something called “bee venom therapy” and something else called “bee sting therapy”, a “Beehive Glossary”, a selection of “Products From The Hive” and indeed a selection of “UnBEElievably Easy Recipes”.
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