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ATVs: Anyone Tossed Violently

Key Word: "Familiar"

Recently got another in a steady stream of ATV mishaps. They generally fall into two categories. First, the dirt-plus-shrubbery appetizer. Second, the broken-arm-while-breaking-your-fall maneuver. This one was the latter variety. What was interesting was the description: "While going on a course he was familiar with, he hit a newly formed gully."

Key word: familiar. For the record, that's a transitory--not a permanent--state. Gullies don't check in with you to make sure your database is up to date. They just appear. [November 2006]

How to Discover a Half-Buried Phone Pole

ATVs must be getting more and more popular, because they are roaring and jumping and bouncing their way into mishap reports more and more often. On the binnacle list lately was an E-4 in West Virginia who got one of her sandals snagged on a tree branch and immediately found her knee and leg going in two quite painful directions. Also an AE3 in Pensacola who was zooming around in a field. Turned out there was an old telephone pole half buried in the weeds. Any idea how he found out? And then, while you're at it, any idea how he would rather have found out, once he did it the hard way? [October 2006]

Why Would a Mud Puddle Bother You?

An E-1 was doing a wheelie on his ATV in Georgia. "As he came down from the wheelie," the report says, "he saw a mud puddle." For some reason, this bothered him. Having only half of his wheels on the ground seemed fine, but dirty water worried him. Go figure. He jerked the handlebars (bear with me, it gets technical here) "causing the right front wheel to collapse." Incidentally, the street where this occurred was named "Gilligan's Island." Seems like the kind of thing Gilligan would have done, except he didn't have any powered vehicles. [October 2006]

"Little Spin" Becomes "Big Mess"

An AMS3 was at a buddy's house when he looked lustfully at his buddy's ATV. His eyes savored each and every one of its 400 cubic centimeters. "Can I take that out for a little spin?" he asked. Implicit in this question, of course, were several other unspoken questions, to wit: "Will I be able to get it up to 20 mph and make a right turn without crashing into a parked car?" The answer to this one was "No." Another unspoken question was, "Will my aorta remain undamaged, my sternum uncracked, and my left leg unbroken?" The answer to this was, alas, "No." Yet another was, "Will you make me wear a helmet?" Again, "no." But his buddy's answer to the original, spoken question was "Yes," which soon provided the much uglier and more painful answers that followed. Ten days in a hospital for the third class. [September 2006]

Dirt, good. Grass, bad. Rocks, bad.

One fine Sunday afternoon in the boondocks, an ABE3 was putting his ATV through its paces on a grass and dirt trail. Dirt, good. Grass, bad. Why, you might ask? Because it was tall enough to hide some rocks, and when the ATV hit them, it started to slide and roll over. The Sailor tried to counteract this by accelerating. His foot slipped off and immediately became part of the terrain, extending our earlier list to read: Dirt, good. Grass, bad. Rocks, bad. Foot, extremely bad. He dislocated his right ankle and broke two bones in his right leg. Three days in a hospital, and an estimated 50 days off work. The report said he had taken some ATV safety training. Also said he was wearing a helmet, gloves, shorts, t-shirt and tennis shoes. Can't imagine that the safety training told him those last three items were kosher. [August 2005]

It Isn't Over Until It Is Over

Uhh, I Guess You Can Tip These Things Over

The term "all-terrain vehicle" means that it has expanded capabilities. It will run up and down hills on dirt and in sand, for example, in a way that your Volvo station wagon wouldn't dream of. But I keep getting evidence that ATV operators sometimes forget that "expanded" doesn't mean "unlimited." when the definition of terrain includes their very own tibia or fibula, then they think, first, "Ow!" and, second, "Uhh, I guess you can tip these things over."

Latest to make this discovery was a GM1 on a firing range in California. He had loaded up the equipment bed on a six-wheel ATV and was merrily roaring along on a sandy road when speed, terrain and weight combined to demonstrate the ATV version of a barrel roll. Net: one broken leg. He spent two days in the hospital and a month convalescing. He wasn't wearing a helmet, either, a poor decision that he might have regretted, had his noggin been in a different spot during his involuntary somersault. (July 2005)

Talk About Learning the Hard Way

An MM2(SS) buys himself a new 4-wheel ATV and plans a test-drive in the woods behind his house. The report says he’s 22 years old and has been riding ATVs for 20 years. That can’t be right, can it? But no matter how much experience he has, it hasn’t been enough to make him wear a helmet. Neither was an ATV safe-driving course he took two years ago.

Change, as ever, is the mother of all risks, and the variable this time is that the new ATV is bigger and heavier than his last one. He tries a 1-to-2-foot jump. The ATV rotates forward, and lickety-split, the Sailor has been launched over the handlebars in the classic double squat-looper, smack onto his unprotected noggin.

Massive injuries result: a fractured skull, memory loss, one eyeball swollen shut, and several days worth of seizures. His girlfriend, watching from 50 yards away, goes into shock. The Sailor goes into the nearest hospital for five days and ends up with two metal plates in his head. He is off work for five months.

Not sure if he’ll return to duty aboard subs. Am sure that the metal plates are no substitute for a helmet, which he says he’ll wear in the future.

Talk about learning the hard way. (April 2005)

A 1200cc Motorcycle Called a Firebolt—Oh Yeah, That's Promising

Last month, I remarked upon my great affection and respect for ATV brand names. Nearly as cool—and ironic—are the names of motorcycles. Does anyone else notice how bizarre it is when a sailor gets mangled by his Kawasaki Ninja? Ninjas, as every 7-year old knows, are legendary Japanese assassins (thank goodness the injuries they inflict on our shipmates usually aren’t fatal).

So when I read about an ITC on a 1200cc motorcycle called a Firebolt, I’m thinking, “Hmm, that’s a promising name” (also, “Is he sure he has enough CCs?”). The chief is astride his powerful machine at an intersection. The light changes, the clutch slips from his hand, and suddenly the Firebolt is, well, bolting. The chief slides backward, which makes him twist the accelerator even more, which really pours the coals to it. Suddenly the motorcycle is standing upright and the chief is lying on the asphalt.

He had taken the motorcycle safety course six weeks earlier, which goes to show that the course helps but isn’t foolproof. He was also wearing the correct protective gear, but he still tore some ligaments and broke a bone in his leg, which puts him out of commission for a week.

Harry Potter rides a Firebolt, but he has a bunch of wizards in the grandstand who can levitate him if he falls off far above the quidditch field. Us non-wizards are still bound by gravity. (May 2005)

Dirt—Good; Grass—Bad; Rocks—Worse

One fine Sunday afternoon in the boondocks, an ABE3 was putting his ATV through its paces on a grass and dirt trail.

Dirt, good. Grass, bad. Why, you might ask? Because it was tall enough to hide some rocks, and when the ATV hit them, it started to slide and roll over. The Sailor tried to counteract this by accelerating. His foot slipped off and immediately became part of the terrain, extending our earlier list to read: Dirt, good. Grass, bad. Rocks, bad. Foot, extremely bad.

He dislocated his right ankle and broke two bones in his right leg. Three days in a hospital, and an estimated 50 days off work. The report said he had taken some ATV safety training. Also said he was wearing a helmet, gloves, shorts, t-shirt and tennis shoes. Can't imagine that the safety training told him those last three items were kosher. (August 2005)

Should Have Stuck to Sandboarding

One day during a port call to one of those places where they have way too much sand, an ET3 signed up for an MWR-sponsored tour. The goal was sandboarding, which is fun and has the advantage of providing a comparatively soft target when you fall off. However, our ET3 wasn't content with the sport du jour and opted to rent an ATV. This had the apparent advantage of making a lot more noise and going a lot faster. However, it had the twin disadvantages of being against his command's rules for liberty, and of producing a jumbo gash on the Sailor's left leg when he zipped down a dune, lost control and got ejected. All the guys who went sandboarding were back at work the next day and in good shape for their next liberty call. The ET3 was in a hospital for eight days and off work for two months, including three weeks of LIMPDU. (February 2005)

Where Are Those Inflatable Boxer Shorts and That Saddle Covered with Three Inches of Sponge-Rubber When I Need Them?

Off-roaders continue to seek painful new answers to the question, "How fast is too fast?" An E-5 electrician's mate was camping with a buddy in a desert in California. Long about dusk, he borrowed his buddy's ATV and headed out for a sunset tour of the dunes and cacti. The good thing was that the terrain was fairly flat and he was only going about 5 miles per hour. The bad thing was that "fairly flat" wasn't quite foolproof, and what with the sun sinking majestically in the west, when he came to a small drop, he didn't see it and hit it with a surprisingly hard jolt.

Let's just say that although his helmet, boots, goggles and gloves were all admirable and correct, they didn't protect the part of his anatomy that took the impact. No, he would have needed inflatable boxer shorts and a saddle covered with three inches of sponge-rubber.

As it was, he returned to camp, gingerly crawled into his sleeping bag, spent a painful night, then drove himself to a hospital. He ended up missing nine days of work.

I'm thinking twilight in the desert might be a nice time for a hike, rather than an ATV ride through unexplored territory. Just a thought. (February 2005)

What's Next? The Kawasaki Cataclysm? The Honda Scourge? The Suzuki Apocalypse?

The venue: a popular local ATV park in California. The vehicle: a Yamaha Banshee. At the controls: a DC3. The challenge: climb a hill.

First try: success. "Wow, that was fun," he thought.

Second try: success. "OK, checked that block," he thought. "I need to speed up next time."

Third try: fiasco. The ATV hit a rock and went up on two wheels. The Sailor stuck out his arm to break his fall and broke his wrist instead.

The cost: a day with the docs, 15 days off work while sporting a cast, six weeks of light duty, and $150 worth of scrapes and dents to the ATV.

Savor with me the great brand name in that last item: Banshee. "A female spirit believed to wail outside a house as a warning that a death will occur soon in the family," my handy dictionary says. Perfect. What's next? The Kawasaki Cataclysm? The Honda Scourge? The Suzuki Apocalypse? (February 2005)

Not All Experiences Are Worth It, Trust Me

The ATV mishap has become a staple of the Friday Funnies, just like the foons and the rocket scientists. The rotating red beacon on top of my Risk-O-Matic machine lights up as soon as I see the word in a message, before I even start to read the narrative. Just like it is doing right now, as I read "ATV." The phrases "400cc Polaris Sportsman," "BAC .079" and "severe trauma" set off the klaxon as well.

Seems a sergeant was riding along as a passenger when the guy at the wheel got flummoxed when the roadway changed from sand to pavement. The ATV slid, the sergeant tried using his leg as a brake, a tire grabbed his boot, and the vehicle ground its way over his leg. Message doesn't say he was wearing gloves or long sleeves, which would have helped prevent some of the injuries that put him in the hospital for six days and away from work for at least two months. His injuries would have been a lot worse if he hadn't been wearing boots.

We're not saying don't ride an ATV or climb cliffs or whatever adrenalin-boosting pursuit you hanker after. The recruiting ads are full of those images, so they must be an approved part of the lifestyle. Just figure out a way to accrue all that experience and excitement without adding an ambulance ride and a disability. Those particular experiences aren't worth it. (August 2004)

How To Put an Exact Value on Friendship

Aren't friends great? Always there for you, whether you want to move a couch or watch a football game. How can you put a value on that? Heck, you can't.

Actually, you can to some extent, and an AM3 is going to help us do the calculation. He shows up at a friend's house one Saturday night and, in the course of the evening's libations and festivities, asks his buddy if he can take his 400cc Suzuki ATV for a "test drive."

"Onnnkkk!" goes the Risk-O-Matic (the term "test drive" always sets it off immediately).

Well, what the heck is a friend to say? The Sailor makes it all of about a block and up to 20 mph before losing control making a right turn and crashing into a parked car.

Here's where the value of friendship comes in. There's $500 (damage to the car), $900 (ditto to the ATV), whatever 26 days of work was worth (that's how much he missed), whatever the hospital charges for a 12-night stay, and whatever the docs charge to set a broken leg, mend a cracked sternum, and repair a damaged aorta (I'm thinking this was just a tad more than the vehicle damage).

Some friends will come see you in the hospital. And once in a while, a friend will look at you (after you've made an idiotic suggestion, such as test-riding an ATV with no training, no helmet, and a few drinks down the hatch) and say, "You have got to be kidding me. Dream on, Macduff."

That's a good friend. (August 2003)

From Eagle to Pancake In Once Easy Lesson

Otay Mesa Road was back in the message traffic again the other day, and again things were not otay there. Seems an AT3 who hadn't had any motorcycle-safety training was vrooming around at 30 mph on his shiny new, 250cc Yamaha. He approached two hills. On the first one, he made like an eagle, soaring majestically over the top and landing smoothly. On the second one, he made like a pancake, splatting into the ground and flipping the bike, which promptly landed on him and broke his leg.

A week in the hospital, 30 days SIQ, 30 days LIMPDU.

By my informal, statistically invalid count, that's about a dozen of these off-road ATV/motorcycle mishaps in the past year. That hobby must really be fun. (August 2004)

Well, I Guess We Won't Schedule That One Again

Want to add a major jolt of stress to your day? Schedule an ATV ride for a bunch of novices at an MWR event. You can probably find a company that will provide the vehicles, helmets and a safety lecture. No doubt there is a rock-strewn, potholed trail in some nearby boondocks. Then your folks are all set for a thrill-packed afternoon of R&R.

And your safety officer is all set for a new crop of gray hairs. 'Cause you know what? Riding ATVs is harder than it looks.

A ship put itself in the situation described above, which is how one of their crewmembers, an AC3, found herself astride an ATV for the first time, roaring down a trail in Hawaii. She swerved to miss a rock in the trail (A rock! Imagine that!), overcorrected, flipped the vehicle, went flying, reached out to break her fall, and instead broke both wrists.

The ATVs had governors that limited them to 15 mph. Good theory, but apparently some novices need to get some experience at 5 mph first.

Costly lesson this time. Nine days in the hospital, 6-8 weeks convalescing, and an unknown amount of light duty.

The ship decided not to offer this particular event any more. Good call. (October 2004)

Inertia and Gravity Once Again Prove Surprisingly Inscrutable

A DC3 was, the message says, "enjoying a recreational off-road ride with some friends in his ATV in an open field." Sounds like fun, doesn't it? He was wearing a helmet, boots, goggles, and gloves. And he was very experienced-190 months it says, nearly 16 years. So when he decided to launch himself off a 30-inch ramp at 30 mph, you'd imagine he'd know what he was doing, eh?

But that's the weird thing about inertia and gravity. Sure, they are nice and predictable when you are sitting in physics class. But when you are sailing through the air, and your ATV is exhibiting its usual Frigidaire-like aerodynamic qualities, you don't have an eraser and time to recalculate your answer. In this case, the ATV nosed over and the Sailor sailed off. His collarbone ended up in pieces, and he ended up in a hospital for a day and away from work for 16 days. (March 2004)

Power Available-Plenty. Training Logged-Not Enough

A lieutenant had decided to buy an ATV, but he wasn't sure how much horsepower he needed. This kind of question was always easy for "The Toolman" to answer: "More," he invariably responded. In the case of our lieutenant, a fellow officer (who was an experienced rider) had a 250cc and a 400cc ATV. He offered to let the lieutenant try them out, first discussing ATV hazards and making sure he was wearing the right gear before leading him out onto some hilly dirt roads in the desert. The lieutenant was riding the larger ATV.

The value of formal training and carefully acquired experience-and the limitations of a short brief-became all too clear on the way back, when the riders went down the side of a hill. To avoid a washed-out area, they had to go sideways, which is doable but tricky, because you have to shift your weight to the uphill side and steer a little upward to keep straight (because the ATV tends to turn downhill). The lieutenant tried this maneuver, but his ATV turned sharply downhill anyway. He hit the brakes, then hit a rock, and then he went flying.

Four days later, in the hospital, facing two or three months of rehab, therapy and convalescing due to major damage to an elbow and a knee, the question remains: How much power do you need? Dunno, but I know how much training you need: More.

Which ATV did he buy? Assuming he wrecked the one he was riding, I'd say that one. (April 2004)

One More Thing You Can Wish You Hadn't Done

We recently explored the question of how much power you need in an ATV. If you get enough horsepower, say 500cc's, you can do all sorts of things. You can tow railroad ties around your yard. Then, when you're done, you can coil up the one-inch nylon line you were using and toss it on the back of the ATV and go about your business. Then you can fail to notice that the line has fallen off and wrapped around the rear wheels. Then you can pitch forward off the ATV and onto your face in the dirt. Then the ATV can add your shoulder and rib cage onto its definition of terrain.

At that point, you'll be wishing for a lighter ATV, because this one has broken your shoulder blade and a rib. (June 2004)

Well, He Used to Be Unfamiliar with the Local Obstacles

Here's yet another ATV debacle. I'm beginning to think ATV stands for "Anyone Tossed-off Violently."

This episode features a gunners mate on a 660cc Yamaha Raptor, roaring around in some woods near his apartment. He was, the report says, "unaware of local obstacles and hazards." The accent here is on the past tense, because he is intimately familiar with one of them now, namely the embankment that has a 7-foot drop on the far side. That's where he planted his Raptor before launching himself over the handlebars, tearing a six-inch piece of flesh off his knee in the process. Shortly thereafter, he planted his helmet-clad noggin in the turf.

That's why you wear helmets, lads. He was also wearing goggles, boots and kneepads, and in spite of the latter, docs still had to use 20 stitches to sew his leg back together. Wonder how many stitches he would have needed without the knee pads. (September 2004)

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