A selection of classic RSOTW awards from the "Friday Funnies"
A Trio ofAirmen Try To Burn Some Trash
Rocket Scientists of the Week are a trio of airmen who were trying to burn some trash in their backyard.
Need we point out that it was midnight?
Their neighbor had had a birthday party. Apparently the Sailors had volunteered to dispose of the wrapping paper and cardboard boxes. The trash was wet, so they went blundering around looking for an accelerant. Gene, cue the theme from "Jeopardy" for this next part.
What is "Dry paper and kindling"? Wrong.
What is "Charcoal starter"? Wrong.
What is "A can of spray paint?" Correct. Perhaps this flammable material has never occurred to you as a fire starter. Perhaps you didn't want orange paint all over your grill. Perhaps you didn't want your burgers to taste like tetrafluoromethane.
Be that as it may, soon the airmen had produced a 3-foot-high fire and were feeling pretty good about things. One of them had put the can of spray paint in a nearby cardboard box, not intended for the blaze. However, when the fire started dying down later, one of the other airmen decided to extend the festivities. He looked around, spied that cardboard box, didn't look inside, didn't see the can, didn't find a flashlight in order to read the fine print about keeping the can away from heat or flame. Nope, he just tossed the box on the fire.
And then, as they say, all hell broke loose. The neighbors were rudely awakened by the sound of the can of spray paint exploding. The good news is that none of the shrapnel hit anyone. The bad news is that the explosion delivered enough burning material onto the bodies of two of the airmen to produce second and third degree burns on their faces, necks, upper chests, hands and legs.
Both airmen were taken to a hospital. One was hustled over to ICU. At the time of the report, he had been there a week with his prognosis uncertain. The other airman wasn't admitted but required follow-up treatment and a month of convalescent leave.
Not funny. And again, more questions than answers. Why didn't they just bag up the trash and put it out for the garbage truck? Why did this task have to be done at midnight? [April 2008]
A Sergeant Actually Tries to Be a Rocket Scientist
This time, incredibly enough, our Rocket Scientist of the Week is a Marine sergeant who was actually trying to be a rocket scientist. He was, the report says, "experimenting with alcohol," trying to make an "alcohol-assisted rocket" out of a plastic 16-ounce soda bottle and some isopropyl alcohol. He poked a hole in the lid and lit the alcohol that started leaking out.
Foon! His face was in the second-degree-burn part of the blast zone. Fifteen days of light duty for this guy.
Usually in mishap reports, experiments with alcohol involve people pouring too much of it down their gullets. [August 2007]
Hungry? Out in the Bondocks? Here’s What Not to Pick and Eat
Y'know, sometimes you just have to say, "What the heck?" Some events seem to defy analysis and commentary (fortunately, not too many, or I'd be out of a job).
"While out on patrol," the report says, this particular Rocket Scientist of the Week "ate some root from foreign plant." It came back up a lot quicker than it went down, and pretty soon his mouth was numb (which was good, because it saved him from having to explain why the base commissary and the chow hall weren't good enough for his dietary needs).
Other details are lacking, except that he reported to a regimental aid station, which implies that he was a Marine. He was treated and released. End of story. Beginning of questions. [February 2007]
Testing the CO2 Level in Your BB Pistol… While Driving
Our Rocket Scientist of the Week, whilst driving in North Carolina, decided to test the CO2 level in his BB pistol. Unaware that the pistol was loaded, this Marine E-3 pulled the trigger and shot himself in the hand. And you thought cell phones were distracting.
He quickly altered his destination to the base emergency room instead of his original plan. The E.R. docs extracted the BB and stitched him up.
"Never test fire any weapon on yourself or others," the report concluded, exhibiting a perfect mastery of the obvious.
Did we say Rocket Scientist of the Week? Make that month.
He spent ten days on light duty. Incidentally, he was a logistics vehicle system operator. Perhaps this experience will make him think twice about what he does behind the wheel in those vehicles, too. [November 2006]
Checking that Gasoline Spill with a You-Know-What
In the news recently, a 17-year-old boy in Wyoming set himself on fire after siphoning gas from a car belonging to a local firefighter. He (with his 16-year-old accomplice nodding vigorously) told police someone had thrown gas on him at a service station. Police investigated and learned that the 17-year-old had actually spilled the gas on himself, and had then used a lighter to try to see just how much.
Foon! Enough to produce second- and third-degree burns, that’s how much.
The Friday Funnies investigative team has found that the youth was president of the Future Rocket Scientist of the Week club at his high school.
Not only that, but the name of the service station was "Common Cents.” Seriously. [June 2006]
The Absolute Worst Butt Kit of All-Time
Come with me to a stateroom aboard an oiler in the Arabian Sea. A cook has seen wisps of smoke and smelled something burning. He has alerted the nearest seaman, who said, "Shiver me timbers, shipmate! What are you waiting for? Call the bridge." And then, with the roving security patrol en route, the cook pursued this mystery to a stateroom, which he entered.
And what to his wondering eyes did appear but a partly melted, plastic, one-gallon milk jug being used as a butt kit. Since it was a quarter full, it appeared to have been in use for a while.
His risk assessment was immediate and flawless. Item one: the oiler had 4 million gallons of marine fuel and 3 million gallons of JP-5 sloshing around in its tanks. Item two: that rug was on fire. Item three: there was a sink and a spigot mere feet away.
The rocket scientist who had been unable to find an ash tray, soda can, or any other non-flammable receptacle was absent, which is good, because when the security patrol showed up, they would have keelhauled him.
OK, make that "should have." But honestly, a milk jug? Doesn't the skipper have enough gray hairs already? [February 2006]
Another Experiment that Produced Painful Knowledge
A seaman, the report says, was "conducting an experiment" on a console when it began to beep, which meant something was overheating.
Could a Rocket Scientist of the Week be about to spring into action? We'll see. The report continues, "He waved his left hand over" the console, trying to see which part was the culprit, and by golly, he found it, because the waving turned into touching, and he burned his finger.
I always love those experiments that end up with a visit to a naval hospital and three days of limited duty. [December 2005]
Making Yourself a Spear Gun (and a Spear Gun Target, Literally)
Rocket Scientist of the Week honors go to an AT2 who was making himself a spear gun. Apparently he had gotten as far as the operational testing phase of this little weapons procurement program when something went wrong.
Hard to believe, I know, but there it is. The report said he "failed to mark spear gun at required length," whatever that means (my last homemade weapon was a wooden slingshot, circa before many of you were born). He got distracted and, although he was originally envisioning a nice grouper or flounder as a target, he instead got himself a thumbfish, which not only hurts but it would take about fifty of them to make a meal.
I'm assuming that this guy would have had to go diving in order to use his new spear gun. I hope he is more careful with his tanks and oxygen regulators.
Incidentally, the lesson learned listed on this report was "Avoid manufacturing homemade spear guns." [September 2005]
N.E.C.: Snake Handler
Our Rocket Scientist of the Week was auditioning for a part-time job as snake handler (his regular job was chief aviation ordnanceman). He found a copperhead on his back porch, and rather than chase it off with an extremely long stick, he figured he'd grab it and put it in a backpack. He put on some work gloves, grabbed it behind its head, and stuck it in the pack.
Never did find out what he planned to do with the critter once he got it in the pack, because as he was pulling his hand out, he got snagged on a zipper and the highly irate snake bit him on the hand anyway.
What is it with the poisonous snakes? First we had the coral snake fiasco, which (thanks for helpful readers and former Boy Scouts) taught me the following wisdom: "Red touch black, friend of Jack. Red touch yellow, kill a fellow." One e-mail said, "If its nose is black, it's bad for Jack." But another insisted, "You cannot always count on them having black noses." All of which underlines my original point.
This AOC would have been fine if only he had remembered, "Copperhead, hide under bed." [July 2005]
And While We’re on the Subject of Snakes
What slithers and is black, red and yellow?
Answering this one is our Rocket Scientist of the Week, a Sailor who, along with his daughter, was visiting a buddy. The Sailor was startled to see a snake crawling between them. He and his friend mistakenly thought it was a king snake, and he decided to pick it up to get it away from his daughter. Unfortunately, it was a coral snake, and one feeling ornery enough to reward his attention with a fang in the finger. In about five minutes, his finger commenced to resemble a balloon, which of course meant the usual 9-1-1 hullaballoo, ambulance ride, etc. Docs kept an eye on him for half a day, then released him back into the wild.
I am right this minute studying several downloaded photos of coral snakes and king snakes. They both have red, black and yellow bands. They appear to have enough variation to warrant not getting within a pitchfork’s length. The description of one of the king snakes is “black at snout” but one of the other images shows a snake with a red snout. One of the coral snakes (which are in the same family as cobras, by the way, in case you are thinking of shaking hands with one) clearly has a black nose. All in all, confusing. Which is another word for “skedaddle.” [July 2005]
Carrying a Pane of Glass on Your Bike—Oh, Yeah, This Is Going to Work Just Fine
Just when it seems like we haven't had a good Rocket Scientist of the Week for a while, a jaygee in Hawaii steps up to the plate. He was astride his mountain bike, a mode of transport with which he'd had seven years of experience. No doubt he was fully capable of pedaling up and down a mountain on a muddy, rock-strewn, tree-lined trail. On this day, however, he was just riding on a sidewalk, carrying a 12-inch by 18-inch piece of glass wrapped in a beach towel.
The beach towel is a nice touch. Of course, it would also be nice to keep control of the bike, which the lieutenant failed to do, and to not run into a tree, which he did do. Apparently the glass didn't break, or if it did, shards of it didn't skewer our RSOTW. What did break was his left kneebone, leaving him on LIMPDU for three weeks.
He was wearing a helmet and a reflective armband, and his bike was equipped with a flashing light, which is extremely useful if you are going to pull similar stunts, because it tells the paramedics where to bring the stretcher. [June 2005]
An Excellent Reason Why You Weren’t Buckled Up
After reading about a bajillion messages through the years, I've seen a plethora containing this phrase: "Did not wear seatbelt." I've finally found one where the unbelted, bashed-in boob actually had a good reason for not wearing it: He was standing on the roof of the car. Talk about an RSOTW.
The Sailor was fine until the Chevy reached 20 mph, and then he lost his footing and did a nosedive onto the asphalt. His fractured skull netted him three weeks in intensive care, a month and a half convalescing, and more treatment and rehab in the future.
At some point you have to stop referring to stunts like this as "mishaps." We need some other word that combines moronic and self-destructive.
Alcohol was suspected but not confirmed. What is certain is that this guy's buddy, at the wheel of the Chevy, was either mentally deficient, homicidal, or both. Lord, deliver me from friends like that. [January 2005]
From Norfolk to Louisiana and (Almost) Back in a Weekend
Rocket Scientist of the Week award, hands down, goes to an airman from a CV for his solution to the problem of how to get from Norfolk to Louisiana on a weekend. You’re probably thinking “Visit an internet travel site and find some cheap, last-minute airplane tickets.” But see, that’s why you’re comfortably sitting there reading this message, instead of lying in a hospital bed hooked up to an I.V., with casts on most of your limbs.
The airman first had to overcome some significant obstacles. He had to ignore the training he’d had a month earlier, which told him what he was planning was a non-starter. He also had to ignore the ship’s policy that puts the kibosh on driving more than 350 miles in a day when you go on leave. He didn’t tell anybody about his plan, didn’t submit a leave request, and didn’t fill out the travel-risk-assessment questionnaire. He did fill a five-gallon bucket with coffee, climbed behind the wheel of his trusty Mitsubishi, and hit the highway at 1030 on a Friday. At 0200, more than a thousand miles later, he arrived in the Bayou State. Slept a few hours, visited with family and friends the next day, got six hours of sleep, and headed back north early Sunday morning.
Twenty minutes into the second part of his marathon, he thought he saw something in the road and swerved into the median. The car spun and flipped, and, since the airman had his seat adjusted too far back, his seatbelt didn’t keep him restrained, and he greeted the glorious Louisiana sunrise by flying through the car’s sun roof.
Some of the resultant bleeding was from his foot, which needed 14 stitches. The rest was internal. He was off the job for 11 days. The Mitsubishi was off the highway forever.
The report says he “knew beforehand his trip was questionable.” Questionable? That’s putting it mildly. “Questionable” would be driving 400 miles when the rule is 350, not four times as far. I think “idiotic” would be a better word. [January 2005]
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