**************** UNCLASSIFIED// ****************
Subject: SUMMARY OF MISHAPS FOR MARCH 2009, #1
Originator: COMNAVSAFECEN NORFOLK VA(UC)
DTG: 061515Z Mar 09
Precedence: ROUTINE
DAC: General
To: AL ALSAFE(UC), ALSAFE
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UNCLASSIFIED//
ALSAFE 014/09
MSGID/GENADMIN/COMNAVSAFECEN/00/MAR//
SUBJ/SUMMARY OF MISHAPS FOR MARCH 2009, #1//
GENTEXT/REMARKS/ 1. WELCOME TO THE LATEST EDITION OF THE FRIDAY 
FUNNIES. THIS TIME WE OFFER A SPECIAL REPORT ON A PERENNIAL 
SOURCE OF NUMEROUS INJURIES: SLIPS AND TRIPS. SO LACE UP YOUR 
HOBNAILED BOOTS, HOOK UP YOUR FALL-RESTRAINT LANYARD, AND READ 
ON.
A. A LONG TIME AGO, ONE OF OUR PARTICULARLY CREATIVE FOREBEARS 
DECIDED TO MAKE THE BIG MOVE FROM FOUR LEGS TO TWO. THIS 
POSITION PROVIDED A MUCH BETTER FIELD OF VISION WHEN LOOKING FOR 
SOMETHING TO EAT (OR SOMETHING THAT WANTED TO EAT YOU). PLUS YOU 
COULD USE THOSE EXTRA TWO APPENDAGES FOR CARRYING A STICK OR A 
ROCK OR A MASTODON NUGGET WHILE YOU WALKED. PLUS, WITH THE 
INVENTION OF SHOES, YOU ONLY NEEDED ONE PAIR AT A TIME.
   THE UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCE WAS THAT YOU COULD SLIP AND TRIP 
IN WAYS PREVIOUSLY UNIMAGINED. INITIALLY, THIS SEEMED TO BE A 
MINOR PROBLEM, READILY TAKEN CARE OF BY NATURAL SELECTION AND 
SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.
   EXCEPT, EONS LATER, PEOPLE ARE STILL SLIPPING AND TRIPPING. 
WHEN YOU CONSULT THE MISHAP STATS, YOU'LL SEE THEY DO IT A LOT.
   IF THOSE BIG SLOBBERY ALIENS IN "THE SIMPSONS" EVER GOT HOLD 
OF THE WESS REPORTS THAT I PORE OVER, THEY'D THINK THAT "ICE," 
"CURB," "STEPS" AND "SPILL" WERE FOUR EXTREMELY EFFECTIVE 
WEAPONS FOR POSSIBLE USE AGAINST BART, HOMER AND THE REST OF US.
B. MILITARY AND CIVILIAN PERSONNEL SLIP ON DRY, CLEAR TILE 
FLOORS IN OFFICE HALLWAYS. ON WATER FROM MELTED SNOW TRACKED 
INTO HALLS. ON RECENTLY MOPPED FLOORS (ONE GUY SLIPPED WHILE 
SWABBING A DECK). ANOTHER SLIPPED AND FELL DOWN A SET OF WET 
STAIRS DURING A COMMAND FIELD DAY. OTHERS SLIP ON DANCE FLOORS. 
ON DRY CURBS AND ICY CURBS. ON AN ICE-COVERED CONCRETE SLAB IN A 
BACKYARD WHILE GETTING READY TO BARBECUE, AND ON ICE IN 
FREEZERS. ON A WET CARPET. IN THE SHAMPOO AISLE AT A WALMART. ON 
A PENCIL. ON A PIECE OF PLYWOOD WHILE WORKING ON A ROOF. 
C. THEY SLIP STROLLING INTO A BREAK ROOM. WHILE WALKING TO THEIR 
CARS IN SNOWY PARKING LOTS (ONE PERSON MADE IT TO HIS CAR, THEN 
SLIPPED WHILE SWEEPING THE SNOW OFF IT). WHILE RUNNING UP THE 
STAIRS AT AN APARTMENT ("MEMBER AWOKE IN THE LOCAL EMERGENCY 
ROOM," THE REPORT SAID). WHILE RUNNING ALONG THE EDGE OF A 
SWIMMING POOL, RETRIEVING A WATER-POLO BALL. TRAVERSING A PICNIC 
AREA (PREDICTABLY, THIS PERSON "HIT A PICNIC TABLE WHEN HE 
FELL"). WALKING BACKWARDS, HELPING A FRIEND MOVE A BOX SPRING. 
WHILE ICE FISHING, TAKING OUT THE TRASH AT HOME, USING A 
SNOWBLOWER OR CARRYING LAUNDRY.
D. NOTE THAT I'M HEREBY ISSUING AN OFFICIAL "SUMMARY OF MISHAPS 
PERMANENT HALL PASS" TO THOSE PERSONNEL WHO HAVE TO HUSTLE DOWN 
HAZE-GRAY P-WAYS, TRAVERSING KNEE-KNOCKERS, WHILE THE SHIP IS 
TAKING HEAVY ROLLS. ALSO THOSE WHO HAVE TO CRAWL AROUND ON TOP 
OF AIRCRAFT.
   THE QUESTION REMAINS: IS WALKING REALLY THAT HARD? MOST TWO-
YEAR-OLDS MASTER IT. THEY DO FALL DOWN A LOT, AND THEY DON'T 
HAVE THAT FAR TO FALL, BUT THEY ALSO HOP RIGHT UP. THEY DON'T 
END UP AT THE E.R. OR ON LIMPDU.
E. FOUR TEAMS AT THE SUMMARY OF MISHAPS RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT 
LABORATORY ARE HARD AT WORK ON SOLUTIONS.
   TEAM ONE IS DESIGNING SOME UNIVERSAL TRACTION FOOTWEAR, 
FEATURING A SELECTABLE SET OF CRAMPONS, TRACK SPIKES, AND OUR 
PATENTED "OCTO-MOCS" WITH HUNDREDS OF TINY SUCTION CUPS.
   TEAM TWO IS DEVELOPING A TRIPOD WALKING STICK WITH A BUILT-IN 
GYROSCOPE.
   TEAM THREE IS WORKING ON AN ACTUAL WALKER WITH A BUILT-IN 
SNOW PLOW, ICE MELTER AND SPILL MOPPER.
   TEAM FOUR IS NEARLY FINISHED WITH THE AIR-BAG SUIT, WHICH 
INFLATES AS SOON AS THE WEARER PITCHES FORWARD OR BACKWARD AT A 
PREDETERMINED SPEED AND ANGLE.
2. WE FEEL CONFIDENT THAT ONE OR MORE OF THESE INNOVATIVE 
SOLUTIONS WILL SOON PAY OFF. FOR NOW, REMEMBER THAT WE CAN'T 
HELP THE OPERATIONAL NAVY ESTABLISH A FORWARD PRESENCE, DETER 
ENEMIES, MAINTAIN MARITIME SECURITY, PROJECT POWER, CONTROL THE 
SEAS, AND RENDER HUMANITARIAN ASSISTANCE WHEN SOME OF US DON'T 
SEEM TO BE ABLE TO EXIT OUR PMV AND WALK ACROSS A PAVED PARKING 
LOT WITHOUT ATTEMPTING ONE HALF OF A FORWARD ROLL AND ENDING UP 
ON THE BINNACLE LIST. I AM CONFIDENT WE CAN DO BETTER. UNTIL 
NEXT WEEK, PLEASE WATCH YOUR STEP.//