You've Just Learned That Your Brother or Sister Has Cancer
Your Feelings
What You're Feeling Is Normal
Dealing With Your Feelings
"This is so unreal. I thought
only old people got really sick -
not little kids. My brother
Jason has cancer, and he is only
10 years old. We found out last
week, and it hasn't even sunk in
yet. I wake up every morning
thinking this is just a bad dream."
- Liza, age 15
You've just learned that
your brother or sister has
cancer. You may have a lot
of emotions - feeling
numb, afraid, lonely, or
angry. One thing is
certain - you don't
feel good.
For now,
try to focus
on these facts:
- Many kids survive
cancer. You have good reason to be hopeful that your brother
or sister will get better. Today, as many as 8 in 10 kids
diagnosed with cancer survive their illness. Many go on to
live normal lives. That's because scientists are discovering
new and better ways to find and treat cancer.
- You're not alone. Right now it might seem like no one else in
the world feels the way you do. In a way you're right. No one
can feel exactly like you do. But it might help to know that
there are other kids who have a brother or sister with cancer.
Talking to others may help you sort out your feelings.
Remember, you are not alone.
- You're not to blame. Cancer is a disease with many causes,
many of which doctors don't fully understand. But your
brother or sister did not get cancer because of anything you
did, thought, or said.
- You can't protect, but you can give comfort. Sometimes
you'll be strong for your brother or sister, and sometimes
your brother or sister will be strong for you. It's okay to talk
about how hard it is and even cry together.
- Knowledge is power. It can help to learn more about cancer
and cancer treatments. Sometimes what you imagine is
actually worse than the reality.
As you deal with your
sibling's
cancer, you may feel lots of different
emotions. Some of the emotions you may feel are listed below.
Check off all the feelings you have today:
Scared |
- My world is falling apart.
- I'm afraid that my brother or sister might die.
- I'm afraid that someone else in my family might catch
cancer. (They can't.)
|
I feel scared because:
It's normal to feel scared. Some of your fears may be real. Others
may be based on things that won't happen. And some fears may
lessen over time.
Guilty |
- I feel guilty because I'm healthy and my brother or sister
is sick.
- I feel guilty when I laugh and have fun.
|
I feel guilty because:
You might feel guilty about having fun when your sibling is sick.
This shows how much you care about them. But you should know
that it is both okay and important for you to do things that make
you happy.
Angry |
- I am mad that my brother or sister is sick.
- I am angry at God for letting this
happen.
- I am angry at myself for feeling the
way I do.
- I am mad because I have to do all the chores now.
|
I am angry because:
"Sometimes,
I
feel
mad
at
my
brother
for
having
cancer.
I
know
that's
not
right,
and
he
can't
help
it.
But
it
has
changed
everything.
My
mom
and
dad
don't
talk
about
anything
but
him,
and
neither
does
anyone
else.
It's
just
not
fair."
- Tyree,
age
13
Anger often covers up other feelings that are harder to show.
If having cancer in your family means that you can't do what you
like to do and go where you used to go, it can be hard. Even if you
understand why it's happening, you don't have to like it. But,
don't let anger build up inside. Try to let it out. And when you get
mad, remember that it doesn't
mean you're a bad
person or you don't
love your sibling. It
just means
you're mad.
Neglected |
- I feel left out.
- I don't get any attention any more.
- No one ever tells me what's going on.
- My family never talks anymore.
|
I feel neglected because:
"At
night
both
my
parents
go
in
my
sister's
room
to
talk
and
be
with
her.
I'm
the
youngest,
and
I
need
them,
too.
Do
they
both
have
to
be
with
her
every
night?"
- Sarah,
age
14
When your brother or sister has cancer, it's common for the
family's focus to change. Your parents don't mean for you to feel
left out. It just happens because so much is going on. You may
want to tell your parents how you feel and what you think might
help. Try to remember that you are important and loved and that
you deserve to feel that way, even though you might not get as
much attention from your parents right now.
Lonely |
- My friends don't come over anymore.
- My friends don't seem to know what to say to me anymore.
- I miss being with my brother or sister
the way we used to be.
|
I feel lonely because:
We look at some things that may help you deal with changes in
friendships in You and Your Friends, and at things others have done to stay
close to their siblings in How You Can Help Your Brother or Sister. For now, try to remember that
these feelings won't last forever.
Embarrassed |
- I'm sometimes embarrassed to be out in public with my
sibling because of how they look.
- I feel silly when I don't know how to
answer people's questions.
|
I feel embarrassed because:
It can help to know that other teens also feel embarrassed. So do
their siblings. In time it gets easier, and you will find yourself
feeling more comfortable.
Jealous |
- I'm feeling upset that my brother or
sister is getting all the attention.
|
I feel jealous because:
Even if you understand why you are getting less attention, it's
still not easy. Others who have a brother or sister with cancer
have felt the same way. Try to share your feelings with your
parents and talk about what you think might help.
"I
feel
so
bad
for
my
big
sister.
She's
sick
all
the
time.
She
used
to
be
the
one
I
looked
up
to,
and
now
everything
has
changed.
Now,
she
looks
to
me
for
support.
I
feel
like
I'm
having
to
grow
up
so
fast."
- Riley,
age
12
There is no one "right" way to feel. And you're not alone -
many other teens in your situation have felt the same way.
Some have said that having a brother or sister with cancer
changes the way they look at things in life. Some even said
that it made them stronger.
A lot of people are uncomfortable sharing their feelings. They
ignore them and hope they'll go away. Others choose to act
cheerful when they're really not. They think that by acting upbeat
they won't feel sad or angry anymore. This may help for awhile,
but not over the long run.
Actually, holding your feelings inside
can keep you from getting the help that you need.
Try these tips:
- Talk with family and friends that you feel close to. You owe it
to yourself.
- Write your thoughts down in a journal.
- Join a support group to meet other kids who are facing
some of the same things you are. Or meet with a counselor. We'll learn more about these options in Finding Support.
It is probably hard to imagine right now, but, if you let yourself,
you can grow stronger as a person through this experience.
![](https://webarchive.library.unt.edu/eot2008/20090510015719im_/http://www.cancer.gov/images/Documents/a147bc36-d3c1-45b2-a974-314256af2574/sib8a.jpg)
"When
my
dad
comes
home
from
being
with
my
sister
at
the
hospital
all
day,
he
is
so
grumpy.
One
day
I
just
asked
him
why
he
always
seemed
so
mad
at
me.
He
got
quiet
and
said
he's
so
worried
and
stressed
that
even
little
things
set
him
off
.
.
.
and
that
being
on
edge
isn't
fair
to
me
and
my
other
sister.
Hearing
what
was
going
on
inside
my
dad's
head
made
me
realize
how
tough
this
whole
situation
is
for
him,
too.
It
made
me
feel
a
lot
closer
to
him,
instead
of
so
alone
and
mad."
- Kevin,
age
15
"It's a pain to do the dishes by myself all the time. Before he got sick
it was my brother's job to wash and my job to dry. We had a system."
- Justin, age 17
"I
had
to
give
up
going
to
drill
team
after
school
because
I
had
to
be
home
to
take
care
of
my
little
sisters
while
Mom
took
Jay
to
the
doctors."
- Becky,
age
16
"I
was
so
scared
when
I
found
out
that
my
brother
had
cancer.
In
the
movies
cancer
always
seems
so
terrible.
Then
I
realized
that
I
didn't
really
know
that
much
about
cancer.
I
started
reading
and
learned
a
lot.
I
found
out
that
most
kids
survive
cancer."
- Rashid,
age
14
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