You've Just Learned That Your Parent Has Cancer
Dealing With Your Feelings
"I knew something was
wrong the minute I walked in the
kitchen. My mom was so quiet. Then
Mom told me she has cancer. I felt
like I was going to faint. I could
barely hold the tears back. I felt so
scared. I ran to my room and just
sat on the bed for the longest time.
I called my best friend and kind of
lost it."
- Sarah, age 16
You've just learned that
one of the most
important people in your
life has cancer. Do you
feel shocked, numb,
angry, or afraid?
Do you feel like life is
unfair? One thing is
certain - you don't
feel good.
For now,
try to focus
on these facts:
- Many people survive cancer. There are nearly 10 million
cancer survivors living in the U.S. today. That's because
scientists are discovering new and better ways to find and
treat cancer. During this really tough time, it will help you to
have hope.
- You're not alone. Right now it might seem that no one else
in the world feels the way you do. In a way you're right.
No one can feel exactly like you do. But it might help to
know that many teens have a parent who has cancer.
Talking to others may help you sort out your feelings.
Remember, you are not alone.
- You're not to blame. Cancer is a disease with various
causes, many of which doctors don't fully understand.
None of these causes has anything to do with what you've
done, thought, or said.
- Balance is important. Many teens feel like their parent's
cancer is always on their mind. Others try to avoid it. Try
to strike a balance. You can be concerned about your
parent and still stay connected with people and activities
that you care about.
- Knowledge is power. It can help to learn more about
cancer and cancer treatments. Sometimes what you
imagine is actually worse than the reality.
"I used to be
a real easygoing, happy person.
Since my dad got cancer
I started blowing up over little
things. My counselor at school
got me in a group of kids
who have a mom or dad with
cancer. Meeting with kids who
are going through the same
thing helps a lot."
- Aaron, age 14
As you deal with your parent's cancer, you'll probably feel all
kinds of things.
Many other teens who have a parent with cancer
have felt the same way you do now. Some of these emotions
are listed below. Think about people you can talk with
about your feelings.
Scared
- My world is falling apart.
- I'm afraid that my parent might die.
- I'm afraid that someone else in my family might catch
cancer. (They can't.)
- I'm afraid that something might happen to my parent at
home, and I won't know what to do.
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It's normal to feel scared when your parent has cancer. Some of
your fears may be real. Others may be based on things that won't
happen. And some fears may lessen over time.
Guilty
- I feel guilty because I'm healthy and my parent is sick.
- I feel guilty when I laugh and have fun.
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You may feel bad about having fun when your parent
is sick. However, having fun doesn't mean that you
care any less. In fact, it will probably help your
parent to see you do things you enjoy.
Angry
- I am mad that my mom or dad got sick.
- I am upset at the doctors.
- I am angry at God for letting this
happen.
- I am angry at myself for feeling
the way I do.
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Anger often covers up other feelings that are harder to show.
Try not to let your anger build up.
Neglected
- I feel left out.
- I don't get any attention any more.
- No one ever tells me what's going on.
- My family never talks anymore.
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When a parent has cancer, it's common for the family's focus to
change. Some people in the family may feel left out. Your parent
with cancer may be using his or her energy to get better. Your
well parent may be focused on helping your parent with cancer.
Your parents don't mean for you to feel left out. It just happens
because so much is going on.
Lonely
- No one understands what I'm going through.
- My friends don't come over anymore.
- My friends don't seem to know what to say to me anymore.
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We look at some things you can do to help
situations with friends in Chapter 8. For
now, try to remember that these feelings
won't last forever.
Embarrassed
- I'm sometimes embarrassed to be out in public with my
sick parent.
- I don't know how to answer people's questions.
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Many teens who feel embarrassed about having
a parent with cancer say it gets easier to deal
with over time.
There is no one "right" way to feel. And you're not alone - many
other teens in your situation have felt the same way. Some have
said that having a parent with cancer changes the way they look
at things in life. Some even said that it made them stronger.
"Sometimes what helped me the most was to run or kickbox until I was exhausted."
- Jed, age 16
A lot of people are uncomfortable sharing their feelings. They
ignore them and hope they'll go away. Others choose to act
cheerful when they're really not. They think that by acting upbeat
they won't feel sad or angry anymore. This may help for a little
while, but not over the long run.
Actually, holding your feelings
inside can keep you from getting the help that you need.
Try these tips:
- Talk with family and friends that you feel close to. You owe it
to yourself.
- Write your thoughts down in a journal.
- Join a
support group
to meet with other teens who are
facing some of the same things you are. Or meet with a
counselor. We'll learn more about these ideas in the section called Finding Support.
It is probably hard to imagine right now, but, if you let yourself,
you can grow stronger as a person through this experience.
Does this sound like you? |
Many kids think that they need to protect their parents by
not making them worry. They think that they have to be
perfect and not cause any trouble because one of their
parents is sick. If you feel this way, remember that no one
can be perfect all the time. You need time to vent, to feel
sad, and to be happy. Try to let your parents know how you
feel - even if you have to start the conversation.
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"I just kept telling myself
that I was going to let
this experience make me -
not break me."
- Lydia, age 16
"After Dad got cancer, my big sister always
seemed to be making excuses to get out of the
house. One day, I just told her off. Instead of
getting mad, she started crying. She said she
couldn't stand seeing Dad hurting. I told her I
felt the same way. Now we talk more and keep
each other going. It's good."
- Jamie, age 13
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