Coping When a Family Member Has Been Called to War
Julia Whealin, Ph.D. & Ilona Pivar,
Ph.D.
When a family member goes to war, the impact upon those left
at home can be daunting. There is often tremendous uncertainty
about the dangers that exist where the loved one is being
deployed and about when he or she will return. Concerns may be
intensified as TV news programs emphasize threats, such as
chemical or biological warfare, scud missile attack, and
environmental destruction. In addition to having to adjust to the
loved one's absence, the families of those who have been
deployed may live in constant fear of harm to their loved
one.
The Emotional Cycle of Deployment
When a loved one is deployed, fluctuating emotions such as
pride, anger, fear, and bitterness can add to the distress of
uncertainty. Various emotions continue during the person’s
deployment, based upon changes the family encounters as they
adjust to the departure and absence of their family member. The
following is a typical cycle of emotions:
The cycle begins with a short period of intense emotions, such
as fear and anger, when news of deployment is released to the
family.
As departure grows closer, a period of detachment and
withdrawal may occur. In preparation for the physical separation,
family members may experience intense emotions.
A period of sadness, loneliness, and tension begins at the
time of departure; this can last several weeks or longer.
Following the first weeks of deployment, families begin to
adjust to a new routine without the deployed service member.
As the end of the deployment period draws near, tension
continues as the family anticipates changes related to the return
of the service member.
When Families Have Difficulties
Deployment will be a challenging time for family members who
are left behind:
In addition to patriotism and pride, feelings of fear and
anger are also common. The mixture of these feelings may be
confusing, particularly for children.
If a family already has difficulty communicating with one
another, such problems may worsen during times of stress, and add
strain to the family.
Those deployed may downplay the potential for danger in order
to protect the family from excessive worry, which can make family
members feel their feelings of fear are being invalidated.
When there is an impending crisis such as a war deployment,
some families may need to be become more aware of their style of
relating to and supporting each other.
Emotions can run high during the deployment, and people can
turn fear, anger, and other emotions against those they care for
the most.
When certain family members, particularly children, do express
their fear or anger, families should not view these feelings as
too sensitive or as an annoyance. Instead, realize that those
feelings may be emotions that everyone shares, but perhaps not
everyone has acknowledged those feelings yet.
Alternatively, it is possible that members will feel as though
their emotions are numb during the time before a departure. This
is because these individuals may be preparing emotionally for the
separation from the family; it does not mean these family members
don't care. Sometimes the stronger the numbing, the stronger the
emotions underlying the feelings.
Fear of the Unknown
Communication with the deployed family member during war may
be minimal. When the family knows little about where the service
member is being deployed, they may try to obtain any information
they can about that area of the world. Often, family members will
turn to the media for this information. When families do this,
they may be faced with media speculation that emphasizes
frightening commentary and images. Online discussion groups can
also be a source of unreliable information that creates needless
distress. Learn what you can about the issues from trustworthy
resources, such as public libraries and published books. Put the
risk in proportion so that you are in a better position to think
realistically. For example, remind yourself that even though you
hear regularly about deaths in the military, the vast majority of
deployed troops are not harmed.
Changes in Family Structure
A spouse left at home during deployment will be faced with
work tasks that s/he may be unfamiliar with. Juggling finances,
lawn care, car and home repair, cooking, and raising children can
lead to stress overload and exhaustion. Families that are
flexible regarding roles and responsibilities are better able to
adapt to deployment stresses. It's important for family members
to support each other in these new responsibilities and to get
outside help as much as possible. Your military contingency
officer and your employee assistance program can provide you with
childcare referrals, including before- and after-school programs
and in-home care.
Special Concerns When the Primary Caretaker Is Deployed
Many more women are now participating in war-related
deployments. During Operation Desert Shield/Storm, more than
40,000 women were deployed, thousands of them mothers with
dependent children. Research on work-family conflict among active
duty women indicates:
The struggle between work and family duties is a source of
parenting distress.
Women who were supported by their husbands in their marital
and parenting roles had fewer work-family conflicts, less
distress, or less depression.
Families that are flexible regarding roles and
responsibilities are better able to adapt to deployment
stresses.
Getting information about difficult issues, such as separation
anxiety, discipline, raising adolescents, and sibling rivalry,
may help make care easier.
Special Concerns for Reservists
Reservists have added concerns pertaining to the families and
jobs left behind. In some cases, military deployment can create
financial hardships due to a loss of income. Sometimes the
household financial manager is the one who is deployed and the
remaining head of the household is left to manage the finances,
perhaps without much practice. The government has developed many
services and programs to assist you and your family with these
challenges during the predeployment, deployment, and
reunification stages. There are groups that can help with the
development of family emergency plans, family care plans, and
personal financial management.
Suggestions for Families of Those Going to War
The following are suggestions to help you manage the stress of
having a family member deployed for war-related duties:
Take time to listen to each other.
Know that deployment
will be a painful and frightening time, particularly for
children. Spend time listening to family members without judging
or criticizing what they say. People may need to just express
themselves during this time. The more family members can
communicate with one another, the less long-term strain there
will be on the family.
Limit exposure to news media programs.
Families should
minimize exposure to anxiety-arousing media related to the war.
News programs often emphasize fearful content and frightening
images to create a "story." Watching a lot of TV news programs,
for example, can create needless distress. When children worry
about war, let them know that the war is far away. Acknowledge
children's fears, and let them know that parents, teachers, and
police are here to protect them.
Remember the deployed member is still a part of the
family.
Find ways to keep a symbolic representation of the
deployed member visible to the family. Keep photographs of your
loved one in prominent locations. Get children's help in keeping
a family journal of each day's events for the deployed member to
look at when he or she returns.
Understand feelings.
Emotions such as fear, anger, and
feeling "numb" are normal and common reactions to stress. Family
members need to make sure these emotions aren't turned against
one another in frustration. It will help family members manage
tension if you share feelings, recognize that they are normal,
and realize that most family members feel the same way.
Spend time with people.
Coping with stressful events is
easier when in the company of caring friends. Ask for support
from your family, friends, church, or other community group.
Join or develop support groups.
Forming support groups for
the spouses of deployed military personnel helps spouses cope
with separation from their loved ones. Peer-support groups, led
by spouses of deployed service members, can be a tremendous aid
to family functioning. Spouses can share ideas with each other,
trade childcare or other responsibilities, and encourage each
other if they are feeling taxed.
Keep up routines.
Try to stick to everyday routines.
Familiar habits can be very comforting.
Take time out for fun.
Don't forget to do things that feel
good to you. Take a walk, spend time with your pets, or play a
game you enjoy.
Help others.
It is beneficial for everyone to find ways
you and your family can productively channel energy. Helping
other families and organizing neighborhood support groups or
outings can help everyone involved.
Self-care.
The more emotionally nurturing and stable the
remaining caretaker is, the less stress the children will feel.
However, trying to "do it all" can lead to exhaustion. Signs of
caregiver stress include feeling as though you are unable to
cope, feeling constantly exhausted, or feeling as though you no
longer care about anything. It is especially important for
caretakers to devote time to themselves, exercise, and get plenty
of rest.
Get professional help if needed
When stress becomes
overwhelming, don't be afraid to seek professional help. Ongoing
difficulties such as exhaustion, apathy, worry, sleeplessness,
bad dreams, irritability, or anger-outbursts warrant the
attention of a professional counselor. The military employment
assistance program provides free counseling for family members
impacted by the stress of deployment. Contingency planning
personnel are available on bases around the country to help
families handle stress related to deployment.
Use military outreach programs. Military outreach programs
are in place to help families prevent social isolation.
Interventions for military families are especially important for
younger families and those without a prior history of
deployments. Group leaders are trained to (1) assist in the grief
process that a family goes through when a spouse is deployed, (2)
teach coping skills to deal with indefinite separations, and (3)
help spouses plan a family reunion.
Conclusion
War brings about difficult stressors for families of deployed
service members. Mixed feelings about the deployment are common,
and emotions tend to fluctuate over the course of the deployment.
It is most important to take added steps during this time to take
care of yourself and your family. Also, seek help from others
around you who will understand, including friends, family
members, or other families who have a member deployed.
Selected References
Black, W. G. (1993). Military-induced family separation: A
stress reduction intervention.
Social Work, 38, 273–280.
Gimbel, C., & Booth, A. (1994). Why does military combat
experience adversely affect marital relations?
Journal of Marriage and Family, 56, 691–703.
Pincus, S. H., House, R., Christenson, J., & Adler, L. E.
(2001). The emotional cycle of deployment: A military family
perspective.
U.S. Army Medical Department Journal, 4/5/6,
15–23.
Van Breda, A. D. (1999). Developing resilience to routine
separations: An occupational social work intervention.
The Journal of Contemporary Human Services, 80,
597–605.
Vinokur, A. D., Pierce, P. F., & Buck, C. L. (1999).
Work-family conflicts of women in the Air force: Their influence
on mental health and functioning.
Journal of Organizational Behavior, 20, 865–878.