Women and AD/HD
How does Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder affect your life?
by Carol Watkins, MD
Some women say that they have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
(AD/HD), but others say they are AD/HD. I prefer to see the AD/HD
as just one aspect of a unique individual. Nevertheless, it is easy
to understand why one might say, "I am AD/HD." For better
or worse, AD/HD can affect many areas of one's life.
Women are more likely to internalize - to blame themselves and to
become depressed about their perceived shortcomings. Inattentive
or impulsive girls often feel that "something" is wrong
with them. Feelings of shame and guilt can layer themselves in to
a young woman's personality as she grows up. When a woman is first
diagnosed with AD/HD, she may feel relief and a temporary euphoria.
She now has a name for her guilty secret. But a diagnosis does not
change an ingrained personality style. After the diagnosis comes
the real work. She must gain an in-depth understanding of how the
AD/HD affects her own unique strengths and weaknesses.
The roles of wife and mother add new dimensions of complexity to
the daily life of a woman with AD/HD. In our society, women often
bear more of the responsibility for maintaining the household and
raising the children. We expect the homemaker to provide organization
and structure for the rest of the family members. Office jobs often
have specific schedules and clear job descriptions. The home is
much less structured. Tasks may not have a clear beginning or end.
Some women with AD/HD may feel overwhelmed at the sheer number of
tasks in the home. It may be difficult to break down and prioritize
tasks. A woman with difficulty maintaining divided attention may
blow up when her children start asking for things while she is trying
to fix dinner. She may have difficulty providing the structure her
children need to help contain their own AD/HD. A woman prone to
impulsive temper outbursts may have difficulty disciplining her
children. Occasionally this impulsivity can lead to excessive punishment
and even child abuse. If she has insight into her impulsive tendencies,
she and her family can plan to have "time out" periods
when arguments become heated.
Women with AD/HD may discover that the disorder has its positive
side. Her generosity, spontaneity and energy may make the household
a Mecca for neighborhood children. Her high energy may enable her
to keep up with a demanding job and a busy family life.
Sometimes, marriage between a spouse with AD/HD and a partner without
AH/HD may work well. The husband may provide stability, structure
and organizational skills. At the same time, the wife's creativity
and quest for novelty may provide color to her husband's life and
help him explore new horizons. This complementary relationship works
best when each partner has insight into his or her unique strengths
and weaknesses. They learn from each other in a dynamic way, and
do not allow their roles to become too rigid. Eventually the husband
may have periods of spontaneity, and the wife with AD/HD then becomes
the stabilizer.
Sometimes individuals with AD/HD marry each other. The couple may
enjoy each other's spontaneity and energy. The woman may feel as
if she has finally found someone on her own wavelength. However,
when the couple encounters complex family demands, they may need
outside help to stabilize their lives.
Sometimes, AD/HD can strain a marriage. The husband without AD/HD
may misinterpret his wife's disorganization and procrastination
as deliberate offenses. If the wife goes on an impulsive spending
spree, it may damage family finances. The urge for novel situations
can lead some women into repeated job changes or promiscuity. In
a couple where both partners have AD/HD, they may have difficulty
deciding who will manage the more mundane aspects of family life.
Both partners should have a thorough understanding of the psychiatric
diagnoses and how the behaviors associated with the diagnoses affect
the entire family. Often women with AD/HD have other conditions
such as anxiety, depression or alcohol abuse. It is important to
address these conditions too. They may hide these difficulties just
as they hid their AD/HD.
The woman's partner may also feel euphoric early in the treatment
process when medication begins to have an effect. Both members of
the couple are lulled into the belief that the diagnosis and the
medication will be a panacea. The woman's husband may despair or
even leave the relationship when old patterns and behaviors re-emerge.
Family or group therapy can be an important part of treatment for
women with AD/HD. It took a long time for each family member to
learn their behavior patterns and it may take time to make lasting
changes. The AD/HD may be an explanation, but no one should use
it as an excuse. Instead, understanding one's own strengths and
weaknesses can help her to develop creative coping strategies.
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