Haggis' Bells

I had this conversation the other day with my Assistant, Rocco Russo - yeah, that's his real name.

Marcus: Hey Rocco, I want to run an idea for a blog entry by you. You know my dog Haggis?

Rocco: Heard of him.

M: We have a set of bells by the back door that we’ve taught him to ring if he thinks he needs to go outside.

R: Uh-huh . . . bells.

M: Well, my mother-in-law recently stayed at my house for a few weeks. We told her about the bells, but she sort of unilaterally decided that if the dog rang the bells but didn’t want to go outside then that meant he should be fed.

R: That doesn’t make sense.

M: I know, but that’s what she did. Anyway, pretty soon the dog was ringing the bells all the time. The whole system broke down and now he’s fat.

R: Too bad . . . is that it?

M: No, no. Did you know that some Greek Hedonists thought there were only three basic physical pleasures in life?

R: Uh-uh. What are they?

M: Well, two of them are eating and relieving oneself.

R: What’s the third?

M: Never mind. The point is eating and going to the bathroom are very different but necessary functions.

R: You know . . . I’m pretty busy today.

M: My point is EPA can be split into two distinct parts. We have the people inside the beltway and their various support offices and then we have the ten Regional offices. Headquarters primarily develops national policies and programs while the Regional offices work on the ground, directly with the states and tribes, implementing these programs.

R: You trying to tell me Headquarters eats and the Regions poop?

M: Well, no . . . the important thing is that, in general, they are two separate but necessary functions and because of that they need to be managed differently.

R: They need different bells?

M: They need different management measures that recognize they perform different functions. For instance, Headquarters often uses process measures to gauge performance. Regions, on the other hand, care more about particular geographic priorities and can use more specific and practical measures of performance. All of EPA has to work together to achieve our mission, but these two parts of EPA perform different jobs to get us there. If you try and force them to use the same measures, I think the whole system breaks down.

R: So, what are going to call this blog, "Half of EPA is Dog Crap"?

M: Oh! Forget it.

R: You want me to call Al Kamen at the Post now or just let that happen?

Comments

[CPate]

Marcus...you crack me up! Thanks for my weekly humor..and yet somehow you always manage to bring it back to EPA.

[Gov Executive Post]

Is Mr. Peacock using an amusing anecdote to rationalize allowing HQ elements to be held accountable only for activities (processes) instead of accomplishments (outcomes). But policies and programs should lead to results too, right? Not just documents generated, meetings held, milestones met, etc. The field staff are the "doers," so let's hold their feet to the fire. But we here in DC are the "thinkers" -- process is our product! Might that phrase... ring a bell?

Posted of Govn Executive.....

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[Darlene Boerlage]

Marcus, As I mentioned yesterday, I love your blog, great sense of humor! From a long time HQ person, I gotta tell you that you got it wrong on your analogy of the essential things in life. It is HQ who poops, and the Regions who eat (the regions are where the rubber meets the road and HQ churns out the other stuff, i.e. policy, etc.) Hope you enjoyed the Desktop Library Coaster I left on your desk yesterday.
Keep writing!

[Michael New Jr.]

I love off-the-wall ideas like this one! You got me cracking up. The tie-back to the EPA was great!

[Marcus]

Darlene, thanks for comment and the coaster. Ring bells, not desks.

Thanks for bringing more humor into government.

[Larry Teller]

I continue to wonder why Marcus and so many others are reluctant to talk about that third great physical pleasure: taking off your shoes after a long day. As we EPA regional folks say about this oft-unnamed pleasure, "Oy, a mechaya."

[Marcus]

Larry, oy, vey is mir! I apologize for hiding that.

[Moldova]

The dog in these pictures is very beautiful. I hope that you will make more posts like this one. Thanks for entertaining us.

[Marcus]

The EPA Inspector General forwarded me an anonymous message that was sent to their hotline which, in part, said:

"I just read the Deputy Administrator's blog in which he compares the EPA regional offices to dog poop. As a 18 year veteran of EPA who has had excellent working relationships with the regions I find this highly insulting and totally inappropriate."

My response: My point was Regions and Headquarters offices are different and need to be managed differently. I do not think Regions or any other part of EPA is crap.