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The Dark Knight Replaced by a Lesbian

Batgirl on girl action.

Thief Poses as Foreigner Drummer

Head gaaaames!

The World's Most Capacious iPod

More music than you could hope to like.

Classic Video Game Ties

You'll do a barrel roll over this design.

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Fantasy Sports Addiction -- Junkie Needs a Gameday Fix

Mar 13th 2009
By Asylum Staff

Fantasy baseball drafts will soon be in full swing across the United States. Unfortunately, there's a dark side to the male-bonding ritual. Just look what fantasy sports leagues have done to the marriage of Norm and Cynthia Brooks. [via Global Sports Fraternity]

See more of the sickness that is fantasy addiction, after the jump.

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Readers Love Nautical Wiener Metaphors

Mar 13th 2009
By Julieanne Smolinski

Dinky junk is no laughing matter. Just kidding! It's hilarious. Unless you happen to be on the business end of it. We reported on 10 common sex myths, and readers happily weighed in on the size of the boat vs. motion of the ocean debate and threw a couple extra seafaring penis jokes in for good measure. They are the winners of today's Noble Prize. Yo ho!

Bananas Foster said, "Sorry, but the first slide is not true. No amount of enthusiasm can make up for a mini wiener. Sometimes it isn't the hallway. It's the hotdog."

Dayna said, "You are sportin' something that should be in the kiddie pool and not the ocean... once and for all... SIZE MATTERS!!!!!"

Hum said, "Size does matter ... I don't always get to go to 'In and Out Burger'."

Mickey D said, "Don't forget the sides!"

Smallish gloated, "[Some women] have discomfort or pain when a man 'bottoms out' because he is to long. Am I the only one?"

Thanks, team. (And thanks, science, for possibly putting an end to the debate.)

Click here to learn how your comments can win you a sweet narwhal T-shirt.

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Octomom vs. Nonadad -- Who's More Irresponsible?

Mar 13th 2009
By Jeremy Taylor

While everyone is in a twist over the reproductive havoc Nadya "Octomom" Suleman has wrought, it is only fair to point out that men have been burdening society with carelessly large broods since the beginning of time. Case in point: Travis Henry, the 30-year-old former NFL running back fathered at least nine children with nine different women, but can no longer pay child support, in part because he is currently facing 10-to-life on cocaine-distribution charges.

So who's more irresponsible: Octomom, who turned to science to score more kids, despite being unable to support the ones she already had, or the Nonadad, who scored with numerous ladies, but was unable to master elementary contraceptive use?

After the jump, we compare the prolific procreators.

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Joaquin Battles a Heckler; Mayer Dumps Aniston?

Mar 13th 2009
By Nicholas Nadel

Showbiz news you actually want, from geek gossip to celeb train-wrecks.

John Mayer allegedly broke up with Jennifer Aniston again. (Popeater)

Joaquin Phoenix got into a fight with a heckler while performing a hip-hop concert in Miami. Seriously, how long is he going to keep this act going? This stopped being funny sometime around his "Letterman" appearance. (Ninja Dude)

Marvel set release dates for "Iron Man 2," "Spider-Man 4," "The Avengers," and other upcoming superhero flicks. Your summers are booked between now and 2012. (FilmDrunk)

Howard K. Stern was arrested and charged with conspiring to furnish controlled substances to Anna Nicole Smith. (TMZ)

Keira Knightley and Sienna Miller took a bath together for their new movie. Apparently they "shriveled up like prunes" and it wasn't very sexy. Sorry. (Actress Archives)

UFC champ Ken Shamrock was busted for steroid abuse. (With Leather)

Britney Spears' new song and video sounds dirty if you say the title really fast. It also sounds like "Womanizer." (The Blemish)

Hayden Panettiere denied rumors that she's trying to get ex-boyfriend Milo Ventimiglia fired from "Heroes." (I'm Not Obsessed)

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Milwaukee Still America's Booziest Burg

Mar 13th 2009
By Matt Glazebrook

We normally take cities' claims of being America's Capital of X with a pinch of salt, assuming the "research" behind the statistics to have been cooked up by some marketing company working for the local tourism board. However, we're pretty sure that the Centers for Disease Control wasn't being complimentary when it came up with the figures that have labeled Milwaukee "America's Drunkest City."

QualityHealth combined the CDC's data on boozing habits (more than two beers a night makes you a heavy drinker, worryingly) and alcohol-related illness with the figures for drunk-driving crashes and DUI's to come up with a seven-city rundown of the U.S.'s most tanked towns.

Top 7 Drunkest Cities

7. Denver, Colorado. The Mile-High City may have a reputation for hiking, skiing, and other healthy endeavors, but that doesn't mean some residents aren't hitting bottom. As it turns out, Denver has some of the nation's highest rates of both binge drinking and alcoholism; plus, it ranks eighth when it comes to overall number of drinkers per capita.

6. Austin, Texas. It's the Live Music Capital of the World, brimming with well-stocked bars, clubs, and dance halls. So, is it any wonder that Austin earns a high spot on our list? The city ranks sixth for heavy drinkers, eighth for binge drinkers, and tenth for overall drinking.

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5. Boston, Massachusetts. Although Beantown doesn't have particularly high rates of heavy drinkers or alcoholism, the city still ranks third in overall drinkers per capita and fourth when it comes to binge drinking. On a more positive note, the Cradle of Liberty actually boasts one of the lowest rates of alcohol liver-disease deaths in the U.S.

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4. Chicago, Illinois. The Windy City is best known for its brutal winters, towering buildings, and delicious deep-dish pizza, but many Chicagoans also have a tendency to get tanked. The city ranks fifth for both binge drinking and alcoholism.

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3. Columbus, Ohio. Given its reputation as a hard-partying college town, the sobering truth may come as no surprise: Columbus ranks second for heavy drinking, fifth for binge drinking, and sixth for alcoholism. Sadly, despite several new laws designed to crack down on drunk driving, the city's levels of alcohol-related accidents have remained high.

2. Minneapolis-St. Paul, Minnesota. In the City of Lakes, alcohol apparently flows almost as freely as the water. Minneapolis's binge-drinking rates are second only to Milwaukee's, it ranks third for heavy drinking, and the area's alcoholism rates are the fourth highest in the nation.

1. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. They don't call it Brew City for nothing. This longtime home of the Miller Brewing Company has more regular and binge drinkers per capita than any other U.S. metro, according to the CDC. In addition, an estimated 7.5 percent of Milwaukeeans are "heavy drinkers" (men who consume more than two alcoholic beverages a day and women who consume more than one).

(Of course, with qualifications like DUIs and alcohol fatalities, you could argue that residents of these cities are arguably not the biggest drinkers so much as the worst at it.)

The unsurprising champion (7.5 percent heavy drinkers. You go Brew City!) narrowly beat out its sister in frigid Midwestern booziness, Minneapolis-St. Paul, while party hotspots like Vegas and New Orleans will be disappointed not to have made the top seven.

Interestingly, fifth-placed Boston scored highly on overall quaffers and binge-drinking frequency, but was ranked one of the lowest in the whole country on the liver-disease death charts. We'll have whatever they're having.

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Jon Stewart vs. Jim Cramer -- The Money Shot

Mar 13th 2009
By Neil Gladstone

The Basic Cable Battle Royale went down last night and the results are in. Jon Stewart and Jim Cramer -- two pencil-neck geeks -- squared off over who gives the worst financial advice. It's on, white-collar style.

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LPGA Beauty & Geeks Pay to Hang With Malin Ackerman

Mar 12th 2009
By Nicholas Nadel

Natalie Gulbis: Golf Hottie
She will make you come in under par, though we're not sure what that means. (With Leather)

Nerds pay to observe Malin Ackerman. (Funny or Die)

Watchmen rap video. (Topless Robot)

Be an explosion scientist. (io9)

Universal horror movie guide. (AV Club)

Giant, razor-clawed bioengineered crabs pose no threat. (Onion News Network)

Five Comics That Should Be TV Shows
"The Walking Dead" would be much better than "Heroes." (Newsarama)

Favorite Classic Superhero Games
"Maximum Carnage" did indeed provide maximum carnage. (Bam! Kapow!)

Rebecca Tysnes Photo Spread
Is she the "most beautiful Norwegian girl ever?" NSFW (Holy Taco)
4-year-old boy takes pot to school. (wsvn.com, submitted by TimALoftis)*

*Submit your favorite stories to Asylum using our new Propeller module in the right-hand rail. Each day we'll feature our favorite user-submitted story.

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Ecstasy Could Be Used to Treat PTSD

Mar 12th 2009
By Jeremy Taylor

Our happy hour fact to amaze your drinking buddies with.

The party drug ecstasy may be the best way to treat some victims of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

The FDA recently allowed clinical trials exploring the effectiveness of ecstasy on treating veterans with PTSD. Because ecstasy increases the release of the hormone oxytocin, which promotes trust and social closeness, some psychologists believe it is ideal to give to military personnel, who are often reluctant to discuss their feelings.

A former Army Ranger who participated in the trial and was cured of PTSD agrees: "I think it's especially helpful for soldiers, or someone who comes from a hard or tough background, because this is just the opposite."

While there is now a chance ecstasy will be approved to treat PTSD, it won't be available on anything other than an in-patient, strictly supervised basis. So, for all the ravers, there is no point in concocting tales of unspeakable traumas just yet.

Click here to have Happy Hour Hero delivered to your desktop every pour time.

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Tasty Vittles -- Resident Evil, MadWorld, Power Tennis

Mar 12th 2009
By Julieanne Smolinski

Required playing from the week in video games.

The couple that slays together, stays together. The new two-player mode in "Resident Evil 5" is off the chain! For PS3 and Xbox 360.

You wouldn't ignore regular nunchaku, so why ignore your Wii nunchaku? Pick up "MadWorld" and get to chaking the nu already.

You don't need to study old Rodney Dangerfield movies to fake your way into the country club! There's "Mario Power Tennis" for that.

"Samurai Showdown Anthology" finally bundles all the Samurai Showdowns in one place! That's right: North America.

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Baby Born With Two Penises

Mar 12th 2009
By Emily McCombs

It sounds like something straight out of the Weekly World News, but an actual baby boy named only as Artyom G was born with two penises only weeks ago in Russia.

Despite his mother's normal pregnancy, the baby was born without a stomach wall and instead had two sex organs. He was rushed to a Moscow clinic where doctors fashioned one functioning organ out of the anomaly.

"The surgery was complicated," said a doctor involved in the five-hour operation at St. Vladimir's Children's Clinical Hospital. "We had to form one penis out of two, make the abdominal wall and create a bladder."

Artyom's double endowment comes hot on the heels of a baby who was born with a penis growing out of his back last June. The rare condition was a type of fetus in fetu, a developmental disability in which a mass of tissue resembling a fetus forms in the human body.

Doctors say that Artyom is healthy and will grow up to be a normal, fully functional man.