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So Far Away:
Twenty Questions for Long-Distance Caregivers
Introduction
1. What is long-distance caregiving?
2. How will I know if help is needed?
3. What can I really do from far away?
4. How can my family decide who does what?
5. Are there things I can do that will help me feel less frustrated?
6. What is a geriatric care manager and how can I find one?
7. How can I keep up with my mom’s medical and health care?
8. How can I make the most of a visit with my parent's doctor?
9. How on earth can my parents afford everything they need?
10. What kinds of documents do we need?
11. Should I encourage my parents to get more help?
12. How can we make the house safer for my mother who has Alzheimer's disease?
13. How can I lighten the load for my mother?
14. How can I help my folks decide if it's time for them to move?
15. What happens if my mother gets too sick to stay at home?
16. How is it that long-distance caregiving makes me feel so guilty all the time?
» 17. How can I be sure my father's caregiver isn't mistreating him?
18. How can I help my parents think about their future health care preferences?
19. What is the difference between an advance directive and a living will?
20. What if I'm told my mom only has a few months to live?
Resources: Where to Turn for Help
 
National Institute on Aging > Health > Publications > So Far Away: Twenty Questions for Long-Distance Caregivers
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17. How can I be sure that my father’s caregiver isn’t mistreating him? Everything has been fine so far, but I’m worried that as his mental status deteriorates, something harmful might happen.

From a distance, it can be hard to assess the quality of your father’s caregivers. Ideally, if there is a primary caregiver on the scene, he or she can keep tabs on how things are going. Sometimes a geriatric care manager can help. You can stay in touch by phone and take note of any concerns that might indicate neglect or mistreatment. These can happen in any setting, at any socioeconomic level. They can take many forms, including domestic violence, emotional abuse, financial abuse, and basic neglect.

The stress that may happen when adult children care for their aging parents can take a toll on everyone. In some families, abuse continues a long-standing family pattern. In others, the older adult’s need for constant care can cause a caregiver to lash out verbally or physically. In some cases, especially in the mid-to-late stages of Alzheimer’s disease, the older adult may become physically aggressive and difficult to manage. This might cause a caregiver to respond angrily. But no matter what the cause or who is the perpetrator, abuse and neglect are never acceptable responses.

If you feel that your parent is in physical danger, contact the authorities right away. If you suspect abuse, but do not feel there is an immediate risk, contact someone who can act on your behalf: your parent’s doctor, for instance, or your contact at a home health agency. Suspected abuse must be reported to adult protective services.

Elder Mistreatment
Elder mistreatment is the intentional or unintentional hurting, either physical or emotional, of an older person. Some signs to watch for:

  • Bruises, pressure marks, broken bones, abrasions, and burns may indicate physical abuse, neglect, or mistreatment.
  • Unexplained withdrawal from normal activities, a sudden change in alertness, and unusual depression may indicate emotional abuse.
  • Sudden changes in financial situations may be the result of exploitation.
  • Bedsores, unattended medical needs, poor hygiene, and unusual, unexplained weight loss can indicate neglect.
  • Behavior such as belittling, threats, and other uses of power and control by spouses may indicate verbal or emotional abuse.
  • Strained or tense relationships, and frequent arguments between the caregiver and older person can indicate mistreatment.

If your parent is in a long-term care facility, the facility must take steps to prevent (and report) abuse. Nursing homes, like hospitals, are subject to strict State licensing requirements and Federal regulations. Even so, neglect and abuse can occur. For more information, contact the National Center on Elder Abuse. The Resources section of this booklet has details on how to contact the Center.

Signs of Self-Neglect
Self-neglect describes situations in which older people put themselves at high risk. People who neglect themselves may have a disorder which impairs their judgment or memory. They may have a chronic disease. Knowing where to draw the line between self-neglect and a person’s right to independence can be hard. Here are some signs that may mean it’s time to intervene:

  • Hoarding
  • Failure to take essential medications or refusal to seek medical treatment for serious illness
  • Leaving a burning stove unattended
  • Poor hygiene
  • Not wearing suitable clothing for the weather
  • Confusion
  • Inability to attend to housekeeping
  • Dehydration

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Page last updated Jan 31, 2008