Monologue | Aired Thursday night on NBC: I tell you, it’s cold all over the East Coast. And did you see those blizzards all over the place? The whole country was so white the Republicans thought they were back in charge again.

Incoming press secretary Robert Gibbs said President-elect Barack Obama will allow gays to serve openly in the military. So the days of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” are over. Actually, that’s not quite true. Congress will continue to use the phrase when referring to the bailout money. “Don’t Ask Us What We Did With It, We’re Not Going To Tell You Where It Went.”

And at his confirmation hearing, Attorney General Nominee Eric Holder said as far as he is concerned, waterboarding is torture. And Treasury secretary nominee Tim Geithner said, “So is paying taxes.”

As you may have heard, Tim Geithner, who’s been chosen to be our next secretary of the Treasury didn’t pay $34,000 in federal taxes from 2001 to 2004. But to keep the nomination afloat, he paid it this week, plus another $8,000 in interest. So that’s $42,000 the US Treasury made just like that. You know what Barack Obama should do now? He should appoint Willie Nelson to the position of Commerce secretary. What does he owe, $28 million?

Monologue | Aired Thursday night on CBS: Here’s how cold it is outside. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was selling seats in his hair.

President-elect Barack Obama plans to close Guantanamo, you know, the big holding center, the big prison, the interrogation center in Cuba. He is going to close that down. And Dick Cheney — I thought this was interesting — Dick Cheney said, “Oh, fine, sure, I’m going to buy it and turn it into a vacation home.”

Bush will leave January 20th. Yes. Will it never get here?

Cheney, meanwhile, said, “I’ll leave when I damn well feel like it.” But that’s another story.

But I want to tell you, it’s so cold. It’s so cold that Sarah Palin shot herself a brand-new coat.

Monologue | Aired Thursday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: I think I have the perfect solution to this cold. I was thinking about it today. Let’s swap countries with Mexico. Everyone who lives there moves here and vice versa. You want it so bad, you can have it.

President Bush has four days left in office, and he made his farewell address to the nation this evening. He was very gracious regarding Barack Obama. He said Obama offers hope to the nation. And I thought this was nice. He actually went shopping with Laura and personally picked out the bag he’s going to leave Obama holding.

President Bush will soon be gone from the White House, but he’s not going to fade away. He’s only 62 years old and he says there are still plenty of challenges to fail to meet, there are still goals to fall short of, and people to disappoint.

And the Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, gave his annual State of the State address this morning. And while you might think that after five years in office, he has run out of cute references to his own movies. But he most certainly has not, because he made reference to Conan’s sword in today’s speech. All that’s left is for him to tell the Board of Education about “Kindergarten Cop,” right?

Your Jokes | “Late night” comedy by you (use the comment link below):

US Airways has announced they are now the official airline of the U.S. swim team.

Possible casual attire for inaugural week? “I checked my tux on US Airways and all I have left is this lousy T-shirt. ” – Janice Hough, Palo Alto, Calif.

Asked if he could guarantee that Obama’s economic plan would work, Treasury Secretary-designate Timothy Geithner said: “There are only two certainties in life. Death and … well, one certainty.” – Marc Ragovin, New York

In politics these days, a person is presumed innocent until confirmed. – Gil Stern

The cemetery industry is asking for stimulus money since their projects are “shovel ready.” – Norm M

Tori Spelling is thinking of returning to “90210.” If that happens, I’ll be excited to still not watch it. – Peter Lipsey

This year, the greatest loss in jobs will be suffered by Apple. – Tulla Brendingulo

A study suggests women can subconsciously tell if a man is interested in sex by his scent. Researchers have labeled this particular pheromone. The scientific term is “beer.” – Alan Ray, Stockton, Calif.

Kim Jong Il, the leader of North Korea, has picked his third son, Kim Jong Un, to be his successor. Learning from the mistakes of others, the leader passed over his first son, Kim Jong W. – Paul Seaburn, Spring, Texas

Foreclosure? Oh yes, when Team Bush finally exits the White House next Tuesday, I’ll be ready for closure — Paul Feehan, Key Biscayne, Fla.

The last eight years are destined to be known as the Golden Age of Political Comedy. – Will Durst

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on NBC: Well, folks, tomorrow night, President Bush will give his farewell address to the nation. Or, as the White House is calling it, a very special episode of “Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?”

Barack Obama says one of the first things he’ll do as president is sign an executive order closing down Guantanamo Bay, to which President Bush said, “Hey, well that’s nothing. I’ve closed down factories, car dealerships…”

Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program.

Barack Obama also says he wants to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t you bring some accountants to Washington, O.K.? Tell us where the hell our $750 billion went! Read more…

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on CBS: Cold, isn’t it, ladies and gentlemen? It was so cold today people were throwing shoes at Al Gore.

Osama bin Laden will not go away. There is a brand new bin Laden tape, and they’ve authenticated it. They know it’s a recent tape because bin Laden describes Salma Hayak as “smokin’ hot” on the Golden Globes.

One week, and Barack Obama will be the new President of the United States. I’m telling you, things are really starting to look bad for Hillary.

Today is the ninth anniversary of my quintuple bypass heart surgery, or as Dick Cheney calls it, “a routine checkup.”

President Bush is busy saying good-bye to everybody. Last night he was on Larry King, and I think tomorrow he’s making a farewell lasagna with Rachel Ray.

Bush is getting nostalgic. He says he’s not sure how he will feel on Jan. 21, but I think I kind of know how the rest of us will feel.

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on NBC: Last night, Larry King interviewed President Bush, and Bush told him, “My favorite color is blue and I love enchiladas.” Unfortunately, Bush was answering the question, “What was your greatest achievement as President?”

President Bush has been giving Barack Obama a lot of advice. They’ve had a few meetings and he’s giving Obama advice. Yeah. President Bush has told Barack Obama that his biggest challenge will be an enemy attack. Specifically, Bush told Obama to keep your eye on Hillary.

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: President Bush has declared an advanced state of emergency in DC from Saturday until Wednesday to allow for extra security for the inauguration. Apparently, the President obtained information from a very reliable source that on Tuesday an unidentified black man is plotting to break into and actually live in the White House for at least four years.

By the way, it seems fitting to me that President Bush would leave Washington, D.C., in a state of emergency on the day he leaves office.

The President was on “Larry King” last night for one last hard-hitting interview before he packs up and tries to find his way back home to Texas. King asked the President if he personally lost money in the stock market. Bush said he has no idea because all his money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who’s about to collect a huge inheritance.

I like that the President doesn’t know where his money is. If he doesn’t know where ours is, he shouldn’t know where his is either, right?

Sight Gag | From Aviary:

More here.

Your Jokes | Today’s user-generated comedy (use the comment link below):

Ricardo Montalban has died at 88. Funeral arrangements will be finalized as soon as the family finds a casket lined with fine, Corinthian leather. – Todd Long

The inauguration is Tuesday. Barack Obama will pledge to uphold the Constitution. Or, as Dick Cheney likes to say, start his speech with a good joke. — Alan Ray, Stockton, Calif.

Tim Geithner will be Treasury Secretary and leader of the I.R.S., which stands for I Remember
Sometimes. – Gil Stern

Caroline Kennedy says, “Ask not, you know, what, you know, you can do for your, you know, country …” – Michael Feldman

The Raleigh News & Observer reports that more than a quarter of obituaries on one day mentioned pets as surviving relatives. You can bet there will be some fur flying at the reading of the wills. – Paul Seaburn, Spring, Texas

Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on NBC: President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air time on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. Well, the White House says he’s going to use part of the time to list his accomplishments. No word yet what he’s going to do with the other 14 minutes.

Actually, listen to this. NBC said if the speech does really well in ratings, they’re going to offer President Bush his own show every night at 9 o’clock.

President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he said he wanted to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I think they realized actual accountability, never going to happen.

Did you know Barack Obama’s mother-in-law is going to be moving into the White House with them? I think this qualifies as change Barack Obama does not believe in. Read more…

Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on CBS:
It’s cold here in New York City today, isn’t it? Freezing cold. Here’s how cold it was earlier today. President Bush said, “We misunderestimated Al Roker.”

Chairman of the Fed, Ben Bernanke, says that President-elect Barack Obama’s stimulus plan will help the economy. How would he know?

Hey, listen to this, ladies and gentlemen. One week from today, Barack Obama becomes president and the current president becomes George W. Bush, mall cop.

But I think everybody has warm feelings for George Bush now. He held his final press conference yesterday. He admitted — it takes a big man to do this — he admitted that a couple things didn’t go according to plan. A couple of things went haywire. His first term and his second term. Those two things.

But President Bush did take credit for a couple of things. He said, “You know, Dick Cheney hasn’t shot anybody in a couple of years.”

By the way, one week from tomorrow, here’s what’s going to happen. George W. Bush will be walking around on the ranch in Crawford, Texas, and he’ll be saying: “Listen to this, boys. You ought to see it. The office, it’s an oval. Like a circle but it’s an oval. I’m not kidding. No corners. It’s like an oval. Honest to God. I was there for eight years.”

Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on NBC: People, I think, are excited because Barack Obama’s inauguration is one week away. Some people are worried, though, because 3 million people are expected for the inauguration, but there will only be 5,000 port-a-potties. That’s true. Officials say they would have paid a lot more attention to bladder issues if John McCain had been elected.

Hillary Clinton’s confirmation hearing for secretary of state began today. And it’s interesting because when you think about it, by the end of the week, Hillary will be a confirmed secretary of state, and Bill Clinton will be a confirmed bachelor. She’s going to leave town, you see.

Today was President Bush’s last Cabinet meeting. At one point, Bush got emotional and said, “I never got to find out what HUD means.”

Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on ABC: Well, one more week left of President Bush, and the President has been busy saying his good-byes. Yesterday, he gave an unusually candid and animated press conference. As you may know, President Bush was never a big fan of press conferences because the press never really understood him, mostly because he makes up his own words.

I’m really going to miss him. Can’t we find a position for him? Something where we still get to hear the stupid stuff, but he doesn’t actually make any decisions? I mean, I’m all for change, but I have a show to do here.

Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on “The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” on CBS: President Bush is giving his farewell address tomorrow night. It’s going to air on the three major TV networks. And NBC. It will be on NBC as well.

Barack Obama starts as president next week. But Iranian protesters took to the streets yesterday and burned posters of him, and I’m thinking, oh, come on! He’s not even in office yet. I don’t think these guys are angry. I think they just like fire. It is winter in Iran. They’re cold.

The website Craigslist is flooded with ads from men looking for dates to the Barack Obama inauguration. I’m thinking, whatever happened to the good old Washington D.C. tradition of getting a hooker?