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Jokes and Trivia!

Jokes Galore Knock Knock Jokes
Advice for Graduates School Days, School Ways
Just 10 Years Ago... Great Truths for All Ages
Hospital Humor Philosophically Speaking ...
Who's, who's answering? Fun Facts and Trivia

Jokes Galore!

What do you do with dead elementslink to a non-NIEHS site?
Bariumlink to a non-NIEHS site!

As two caterpillars were crawling along, a butterfly flew overhead.
One turned to the other and said,
"You'll never get me up in one of those things!"

What was the pirate movie rated?

What subject is a witch good at in school?

What do firemen put in their soup?
Fire crackers!

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crummy.

What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill.

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the leg of a chicken !!!

What did the egg say to the other egg?
Let's get cracking!

What do you say to a cow that crosses in front of your car?
Mooo-ve over.

Why was the chicken afraid of the chicken?
It was a chicken.

Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the Shell Station!

How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed?
You bump your nose on the ceiling.

What would you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.

Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work.

What pie can fly?
A magpie.

What did Mickey say when Minnie asked if he was listening?
I'm all ears!

How can you make seven even?
Remove the "S".

Did you hear about the two silkworms who had a race? It ended in a tie.

An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit. "Did you notice anything special about the man?" asks the agent. "Yes," replies the teller. "He was better dressed each time."

A sloth is out for a walk when he's mugged by four snails. After recovering his wits, he goes to make a police report. "Can you describe the snails?" asks the officer. "Not well, it all happened so fast," replies the sloth.

Why is Turtle Wax so expensive?
Because turtles have such tiny ears.

FATHER: How are your grades, son?
SON: Under water, Dad.
FATHER: Under water? What do you mean?
SON: They're below C level.

SMART STUDENT: I'm taking French, Spanish, and Algebra this year.
LESS SMART STUDENT: Okay. Let me hear you say "good evening" in Algebra.

STUDENT: But I don't think I deserve a zero on this exam.
TEACHER: Neither do I, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

Why did the boy bring a ladder to school?
He thought it was a high school!

If April showers bring May flowers then what do May flowers bring?

What's in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jellybutton

Tourist: How would you describe the rain in this part of the country?
Local: Little drops of water falling from the sky

What did Tarzan say when he heard the elephants coming?
"Here come the elephants!"

Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
So he could be polyunsaturated

How much does a pirate pay for his evaporate A buccaneer

What do mermaids have on toast?

Why do elephants never forget?
Because nobody ever tells them anything

How do porcupines play leapfrog?
Very carefully

What works only when it's fired?
A rocket

Girl: What did you get that little medal for?
Boy: For singing
Girl: What did you get the big one for?
Boy: For stopping!

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
He got sick of the hole business

Why were the suspenders sent to jail?
For holding up a pair of trousers

What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

What do you call a very popular perfume?
A best-smeller

Why can't you play jokes on snakes?
Because you can never pull their legs

What do ducks watch on TV?

What's white and fluffy and beats its chest?
A meringue-utan

What bird can be heard at mealtimes?
A swallow

What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
Santa walking backwards

What do they call pastors in Germany?
German Shepherds

What is at the end of everything?
The letter G

How do locomotives hear?
Through the engineers

What does the winner of the race lose?
His breath

What do you call a mosquito with a tin suit?
A bite in shining armour

What do giraffes have that no other animal has?
Baby giraffes

Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden wheels and the wooden engine?
It wooden go!

What do you get if you cross a Cocker Spaniel with a Poodle and a rooster?
A cockapoodledoo!

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig

Where do mermaids go to see movies?
The dive-in

Why don't bats live alone?
They like to hang around with their friends

What do you get if you cross a daffodil with a crocodile?
I don't know but I wouldn't try sniffing it!

Why did the dolphin cross the beach?
To get to the other tide

What goes tick, tick, woof, woof?
A watch dog

What did the digital watch say to the grandfather clock?
Look pop, no hands

What's the difference between a jeweller and a jailer?
One sells watches and the other watches cells

What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?

How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance.

Why is a slippery pavement like music?
If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

What do you get when you cross a cow with a duck?
Milk and quackers.

What would you see at a chicken show?

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they have honeycombs

What do bees do with their honey?
They cell it

Why are pianos hard to open?
The keys are inside

What starts with T, ends with T and is full of T?
A teapot

Have you heard the joke about the garbage truck?
Don't worry, it's only a load of rubbish

If a dictionary goes from A to Z, what goes from Z to A?
A zebra

What did the window say to the door?
What are you squeaking about, I'm the one with the pane!

How do you stop a dinosaur from charging?
Take away his credit card
Learn more about fossilsnon-NIEHS site dinosaurs non-NIEHS site, and more dinosaurs! non-NIEHS site

How do you make soup golden?
Add 24 carrots.

Why is tennis such a loud game?
Because each player raises a racquet.

Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks?
In case they get a hole in one.

How do you send a message in the forest?
By moss code.

What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around while I go on ahead.

What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.

What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A blackboard.

Where was King Solomon's temple?
On his forehead.

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
He wanted to win the no-bell prize!

What did the duck say when he'd finished shopping?
Put it on my bill please

Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
It takes them a long time to swallow their pride

Why did the ram run over the cliff? Answer: He didn't see the ewe turn

What do you get if you cross rabbits and termites?
Bugs bunnies.

What do you call a gorilla wearing ear-muffs?
Anything you like, he can't hear you.

What travels around the world and stays in a corner?
A stamp.

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.

What did the light say when it was turned off?
I'm delighted.

What do you get if you cross a shark with a parrot?
An animal that talks your head off.

Why do ducks watch the news?
To get the feather forecast.

When is the vet busiest?
When it's raining cats and dogs.

What did Cinderella say to the photographer?
Some day my prints will come.

What says `quick, quick'?
A duck with hiccups.

What's Tarzan's favorite Christmas carol?
Jungle bells.

What's green and loud?
A froghorn.

What do you give an elephant with big feet?
Plenty of room.

What keeps jazz musicians on earth?

What is a porcupine's favorite food?
Prickled onions.

What's smaller than an ant's mouth?
An ants dinner.

How does a flea get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.

Who earns a living by driving his customers away?
A taxi-driver.

What does a dentist call his x-rays?

Where do you send a frog to get glasses?
To a hoptometrist.

What happened when the chicken slept under the car?
She woke up "oily" the next morning.

If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?

Can April March?
No, but August May.

What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Learn more about fossils, dinosaurs non-NIEHS site, and more dinosaurs! non-NIEHS site

What do people do in clock factories?
They make faces all day.

Customer: How much is that duck?
Shopkeeper: Ten dollars.

Customer: Okay, could you please send me the bill?
Shopkeeper: I'm sorry, but you'll have to take the whole bird.

What's got a trunk, lots of keys and four legs?
A piano up a tree.

What do you call shoes made from banana skin?

Why was the elephant late for the plane?
Because he forgot his trunk.

What happened when 500 hares got loose in the center of town?
The police had to comb the area.

What book tells you all about chickens?
A hencyclopedia.

Why did the tap dancer retire?
He kept falling in the sink.

What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?
The banana split.

How do you stop a snake from striking?
Pay it decent wages.

What starts with E, ends with E but usually has one letter?
An envelope.

Why wouldn't they let the butterfly into the dance?
Because it was a moth ball.

What do whales eat?
Fish and ships.

Of course, that's not really true! Learn more about whales
at the National Aquarium in Baltimorelink to non-NIEHS site
and the Whale NetLink to a Non-NIEHS Site.

Nicole: Today my teacher yelled at me for something I didn't do.

Amelia: What was that?
Nicole: My homework!

What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.

What do pigs put on sore toes?

How do you stop a skunk from smelling?
Put a clothes peg on its nose!

What does a bee use to brush its hair?
A honeycomb!

What do you get when you cross a cow with a rabbit?
Hare in your milk!

What did the tornado say to the car?
You wanna go for a spin?

What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo?
A jump rope.

What is black and white and white all over?
A scared skunk!

Why did the cookie go to see the doctor?
He was feeling crummy!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off!

Why did the skeleton play the piano?
Because he didn't have any organs!

What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
Time to get a new fence!

What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine!

Why did the Turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station!

Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash!

What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
Is that you, Mama?

What is black and white and sleeps a lot?
A snoozepaper!

What do you get when you cross a telephone with a very big football player?
A wide receiver!

Why do cows use the doorbell?
Because their horns don't work!

What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was an udder catastrophe!

What do birds need when they are sick?
A tweetment!

What vegetable do you get when a large animal walks through your garden?

What animal keeps the best time?
A watch dog.

What do you call fishing when you don't catch any fish?
Drowning worms!

Why did the boy throw butter out the window?
He wanted to see a butterfly.
(speaking of throwing things away, don't miss our Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle tips!)

What did the snail say when he rode on the turtle's back?

Why couldn't the Teddy Bear eat?
Because he was stuffed!

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be Bagels!

Why couldn't the flower ride his bike?
Because he lost his petals!

Speaking of bicycles, take a moment before singing
to learn all about bicycle safety by reading (or downloading)
8 Questions with some very good answers about Bicycle Safety and Your Childlink to a non-NIEHS site,
provided by the North Carolina Department of Transportation.

What did the blanket say to the bed?
Got you covered!

Why does it get hot after a baseball game?
Because all the fans have left!

What is black and white and red all over?
A zebra with a sunburn.

For more information about sun safety, download the Sunwise Activity BookLink to a Non-NIEHS Site, the Sunwise StorybookLink to a Non-NIEHS Site, and all the other Sunwise School publicationsLink to a Non-NIEHS Site created by the Environmental Protection AgencyLink to a Non-NIEHS Site to promote sun-safe behavior at any age.

Where do cows go on Friday night?
To the moo-vies.

Why did the boy throw a glass of water out the window?
He wanted to see a waterfall.
(speaking of throwing things away, don't miss our Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle tips!)

Where do boats go when they are sick?
To the doc(k).

What did the mayonnaise say to the bread?
Close the door, I'm dressing.

What did one wall say to the other?
I will meet you at the corner.

What runs around a farm but doesn't move?
A fence.

Why couldn't Cinderella get on the baseball team?
Because she ran away from the ball.

Who was the invisible man's parents ?
His transparents

If a housefly was dropped into a glass of Coke why wouldn't it get injured?
Because Coke is a soft drink.

Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
Because he wanted chocolate milk.

Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because there was a banana on the other side.

What kind of music do mummies like?
"Wrap" music.

Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?

What did one plate say to the other plate?
Lunch is on me.

Where does a bird go when it loses it's tail?
To a retail store.

Why did the Dalmatian refuse to bathe in the dishwasher detergent?
He didn't want to come out spotless.

Why did the shoe cry?
It bit its tongue.

When does it rain money?
When there's a change in the weather.

What do cars, trees, and elephants all have in common?
They all have trunks.

What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh.

Why can't a bikelink to a non-NIEHS site stand up for itself?
Because it's two tired.

What protects a clown from the sun?
The Bozone layer.

What kind of coat goes on wet and never has buttons?
A coat of paint.

What did the bug say when it hit the windshield?
I don't have the guts to do that again.

What do frogs drink?

Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they're always butting in.

What kind of building is the tallest in the world?
A library; it has the most stories.

Who serves ice cream faster than a speeding bullet?

Where do mice put their boats?
At the hickory dickory dock.

How do angels greet each other?
They wave halo.

What kind of driver never gets a speeding ticket?
A screwdriver.

What's brown, has a hump, and lives at the North Pole?
A lost camel.

What did one volcano say to the other volcano?
I lava you.

What is better than a dog that can count?
A spelling bee.

What did the tree say to the woodcutters?
"Leaf me alone!"

Did you hear the joke about the playing cards?
It's no big deal.

What would you get if you crossed a giraffe with a rooster?
An animal who wakes up people who live on the top floor.

Why couldn't Noah play cards on the ark?
The elephant was standing on the deck.

What makes a chess player happy?
Taking a knight off.

Why does a ballerina wear a tutu?
Because one-one's too small and three-three's too big.

If two shirt collars had a race, which one would win?
Neither one. It would end in a tie.

What do you get if you cross a sheep and a porcupine?
An animal that knits its own sweaters.

Do you think it's hard to spot a leopard?
No they come that way.

What does an aardvark like on its pizza?

What kind of shot do you give a sick car?
A fuel injection.

Why are fish never good tennis players?
They don't like getting close to the net.

What do you get if you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ear off.

Where is the best place to have a bubble gum contest?
On a choo-choo train.

Why did the umpire throw the chicken out of the baseball game?
He suspected fowl play.

What do rabbits use to keep their fur in place?

What did one octopus say to the other octopus?
I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.

What did the judge say when the skunk went into the court room?
Odor in the court.

What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and legs.

What has four legs and goes "oom-oom" A cow walking backwards.

What does a police officer use when he arrests a pig?
Ham cuffs.

Where does a hog look when he can't spell very well?
The pigtionary.

What's green, has 6 legs, and if it falls out of a tree and lands on you, it could hurt?
A pool table.

What did one rose say to the other?
"Hi Bud".

Why did the baby cookie cry?
Because its mother was a wafer so long.

Who can write nursery rhymes and squeeze oranges at the same time?
Mother Juice.

What does a 300 pound budgie say?
"Polly want a cracker, NOW!"

What two things aren't eaten for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner.

What do you call 20 rabbits moving backwards?
A receding hare line.

Did you hear about the two kids that walked into a church?
It was kind of silly, the second one should have seen it coming.

What kind of beans can't grow in a garden?
Jelly Beans.

What's gray, has big ears and a trunk?
A mouse on vacation.

How does the ocean say hello to the sand?
It waves.

Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.

How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut.

Why did the spider cross the road?
To get to another web site.

What did the postcard say to the stamp?
Stick with me kid, and we'll go places.

What does a train do with food?
Chew, chew.

What flower grows between your nose and your mouth?

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Where can you find an ocean without water?
On a map.

Why didn't the clock work?
Because it needed a hand.

Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the barking lot.

Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.

What question can't be answered with a yes?
Are you asleep?

What's full of holes but still holds water?
A sponge.

Why did the chicken cross the road and roll in the dirt, then cross the road again?
Because he was a dirty double crosser.

How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
Paint his toenails red.

Some of the Reasons Why People Don't Exercise .....but we think you should exercise anyway!

  1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is!

  2. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

  3. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

  4. I don't exercise at all. If we were meant to touch our toes, they would have grown in further up our body.

  5. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

  6. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

  7. Is the advantage of exercising every day that you die healthier?

  8. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a very small country.

  9. I don't jog because it makes the ice jump right out of my soda.

But seriously, exercise is really good for you.....learn more about it at:

Why didn't the lobster share his toys?
He was too shellfish.

Why wouldn't the dog talk to it's foot?
It's not polite to talk back to your paw.

What kind of wood gets scared?
Petrified wood.

What do you call someone that keeps talking when no one is listening?
A teacher.

Why didn't they play cards on Noah's ark?
Noah kept sitting on the deck.

What's in an astronaut's favorite sandwich?
Launch meat.

What do you call two banana peels?
A pair of slippers.

Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
So he wouldn't fall into the hot chocolate!

What toothpaste does Santa use?

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can "Ho ho ho.

What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa Claus?

What does Frosty the Snowman eat for breakfast?

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon Hood.

What did the dirt say when it started to rain?
If this keeps up, my name is gonna be mud!

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
For running away from the ball!

Why would Snow White make a great judge?
Because she's the fairest in the land.

Why kind of vehicle do Disney characters drive?

Why was Cinderella such a bad figure skater?
Because her coach was a pumpkin!

Why do roosters never get rich?
Because they work for chicken feed.

What do patriotic monkey's wave on Flag Day?
Star Spangled Bananas.

Why is an empty purse always the same?
Because there's never any change in it.

How many hamburgers can you eat on an empty stomach?
Only one or part of one, because after that your stomach is no longer empty.

Why is it a bad idea to write a letter on an empty stomach?
Because it's much better to write on paper.

What do you take off last before getting into bed?
Your feet off the floor.

What is the one thing everybody in the world is doing at the same time?
Growing older.

Why isn't your nose 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.

When are your eyes not eyes?
When the wind makes them water.

What time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your fence?
Time to buy a new fence.

If you threw a green shoe into the Red Sea, what would it become?
(speaking of throwing things away, don't miss our Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle tips!)

Why is paper money more valuable than coins?
When you put it in your pocket you double it, when you take it out it's in creases.

What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?
One sells watches and the other watches cells.

Which burns longer, the candles on a girl's birthday cake or the candles on a boy's birthday cake?
Neither. They both burn shorter.

Why is a baseball game like a pancake?
Because they both depend on the batter.

Doctor: "I can't do anything about your condition. I'm afraid it's hereditary.
Patient: "In that case, send the bill to my parents."

A high school student asked his teacher if a person should be punished for something he hadn't done.
"No," said the teacher. "Of course not!"
"Good." said the boy. "Because I haven't done my homework.
I hate homework picture!

What do you call a jail in the Bahamas?
Answer: A Poke, `Mon

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. "Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second. "O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat sneaked up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought............ "I love baskin' robins!" Chesshire Cat!

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Ralph: Dad, will you do my math for me tonight?
Dad: No, son, it wouldn't be right.
Ralph: Well, you could try.

What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and divide it by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi!

A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground where he can measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We needed to know the height, and he gave us the length!"

This chicken goes into a library and says to the Librarian, "Bawk" in a high pitched chicken's squawk. The librarian looks down, says "Oh, you want a book?", and gives the chicken a book. The chicken walks out the door with the book but is back in five minutes, drops the book in front of the Librarian, and says "Bawk, bawk." The Librarian says, "Oh, you want two books?" and gives the chicken two books. The chicken walks out the door with the two books. Five minutes later, the chicken is back, drops the books in front of the Librarian, and says, "Bawk, bawk, bawk." The Librarian says, "Oh, you want three books now?" and gives the chicken three books. The chicken walks out with the three books. This time the Librarian follows the chicken to see where the chicken is going. The chicken walks down to the pond below the Library and drops the books, one at a time, in front of a big bull frog. The frog looks at the books as they drop and says, in his deep bullfrog voice, "Red-it, red-it, red-it."

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
(speaking of throwing things away, don't miss our Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle tips!)

Kids Say the Darndest Things

One day nine year old David was asked by his mother if he'd like to learn how to bake a cake. She told him "You'll have no trouble, as long as you follow the instructions on the box." Later she was shocked to return to the kitchen and find David with his hand submerged in batter. "What are you doing?" she gasped. "I'm just following the instructions on the box." David announced. "They say 'Mix by hand.' "

"Why do we have to go here?" E.J., six, wanted to know when he was dropped off at the day care center at a new health club. " His mother replied, "So Mommy can get skinny!" But when she picked him up 45 minutes later, he looked disappointed. "AWW, Mom," he cried. " It didn't work!"

Three year old son Scott had thin fly-away hair, so his mother often wet it to comb it into place. One morning as she applied water and slicked his hair back, she announced it was time for him to get another haircut. "Mom." Scott replied, "If you'd quit watering it so much, it wouldn't grow so fast!"

Four year old Caitlin was riding home with her mother when she asked, " Mommy, can I borrow your makeup?" When her mother asked why, Caitlin replied, "My teacher said we're having a make-up class next Thursday, and I don't have any makeup, so I need to borrow yours!"

One day three-year-old Lauren and her mom were running errands. Everything the mom said or did, Lauren asked, "Why?" Finally, mom said, "Lauren, please stop asking me why." After a short silence, she looked at her and asked, "Okay, how come?"

One morning a kindergarten teacher was teaching her class how to spell simple, three-letter words, such as cat. When she hinted that there was a vowel in the middle, one little boy asked what a vowel was. Before she could answer, six-year old Nick chimed in, "You know what a vowel is! Those letters you buy on Wheel of Fortune!"

Four-year-old Jeffrey was riding with his dad when the dad spotted a flock of geese flying Overhead. The dad told Jeffrey to look out the window so he could see how the geese formed the letter V. Jeffrey looked up, then asked, "Do geese know the rest of the alphabet too?"

After his shower, eight-year old Nick came downstairs and announced that he had washed his hair and body with the new shampoo I'd bought. When I asked him why he'd done that, he replied, "Because the bottle said full body!"

Worm Cartoon A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class. He took two earth worms and in front of the class he did the following: He dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the bottom and wriggled about. He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl alcohol and it immediately shriveled up and died. He then asked the class if anyone knew what this demonstration was intended to show them. A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on said:
"You're showing us that if you drink alcohol, you won't have worms!"

Father: " I know why you are getting such bad grades. You're spending too much time watching television."
Son: " I'm sorry, you'll have to phrase that in the form of a question."

Fun Business Signs:

Once a duck went to a restaurant and asked "Do you have any grapes?" The waiter replied "We do not allow ducks or other animals in this restaurant, so you'll have to leave!" The duck went away, but came back an hour later. Again he asked "Do you have any grapes?" Again the waiter replied "I told you earlier we do not allow ducks in this restaurant. Go away! And if you come in here again, I'll staple your feet to the floor!" An hour later, the duck returned and asked "Do you have any staples?" The waiter replied "NO!". "Good...." said the duck, "then, do you have any grapes?"

Overheard at the NIEHS First Environments Day Care from a 4-year old:
Do you know why Mickey Mouse bought a telescope?
No, why?
Because he wanted to see Pluto!
Mickey & Pluto

Girl Scout Cookie Food for Thought:
If it takes a cup of chocolate chips to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies and a cup of peanut butter to make a batch of peanut butter cookies, does it take a cup of Girl Scouts to make a batch of Girl Scout cookies?

A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a soda. After finishing the drink the neutron asks the waiter, "How much?." The waiter replies, "For you, no charge."

Atom Cartoon Two atoms were sitting in a restaurant. When they left, the first said "Wait, I have to go back! I left an electron behind!" "Are you sure?" asked the other. "Yes" said the first atom, I'm positive!

Did you hear about the scientist who put his feet in a bucket of ice and his head inside a hot oven? He said that, on the AVERAGE, he was quite comfortable!

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? The food is terrific, but there's no atmosphere. Man in the Moon Cartoon

So the baby snake says to its mom: "Mom, are we poisonous?" And the mommy snakes says, "Why do you ask?" The baby replies, "Because I just bit my tongue."

Two cows were lying in a field. One of them says to the other, "So, what do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other says, "What do I care. I'm a helicopter." animated cow with whirling hat

Banana Cartoon Man A man goes to the doctor and he has a banana sticking out of each ear and corn in his nose. He says, "Doc, I don't feel well" and the doctor replies "Well, you're not eating right"!

A Mushroom goes to a dance and walks up to a girl and asks her to dance.
"I'm not dancing with you" she replies.
"Aw, come on..." the mushroom says.
"Why not? I'm a fungi!" (fun guy)

Funny thoughts...

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?

Jokes and Trivia Index
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