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We're not home, we're rarely home,
and when we're home, we're on the phone,
so please leave a message at the tone!
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How we wonder who you are.
Leave a message at the beep.
We'll call back before you sleep.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
Betcha you're wondering where we are.
You have reached an answering
machine.
This is the
new millenium.
You know what to do.
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering
machine is, so talk
to it instead.
You know what I hate about answering machine
messages? They go on and on,
wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to
say is, "We aren't in,
leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep
mine simple and short. I
pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have
to suffer through
another long answering machine message when you
call me. So, with that said, here are the detailed instructions for leaving a message for me........
You have reached ###-####. We picked this machine
up at a garage sale in
"as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message
on it, but we are not
sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your
call, it means the
machine did not work.
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are
you?
Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not
here, so speak freely at the beep.
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is
his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to
myself with one of these
magnets.
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering
machine is in the shop
for repairs, so please leave your message when the
toast is done...
(Cachunk!)
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering
machine just eloped with
her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say,
if you want anything
cooked while you leave your message, just hold it
up to the phone.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable
of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot
tub, and their carpets are
clean. They give to charity through the office and
don't need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your
name and number and
they will get back to you.
Thank you for calling ###-####. If you wish to
speak to Tim, push 1 on
your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to
Lynn, push 2 on your
touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number,
push 3 on your touch
tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't
do anything, but it is
a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel
like we have a big time
phone system.
(said very fast:)
Hi, this is ###-####. If you want to
leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name
and number, please press
pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6
and dial your number. If
you want to leave your name and just a message,
press star, press 6, ask
for extension 4443, then leave your name and
message. If you want to leave
your number and the time you called, please press
star twice, spin in a
circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and .....BEEP
This is not an answering machine -- this is a
telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name,
your
reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
you, and I'll think
about returning your call.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense
Detective Agency. We know who
you are and what you want, so at the sound of the
tone, just hang up.
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the
phone. Please leave a
message and I will call you up as soon as I find
it.
I can't come to the phone now because I have
amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate
it if you could help me
out by leaving my name and telling me something
about myself. Thanks.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm
down in the basement
printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar
bills. If you need any
money, or if you just want to check out my
handiwork, please leave your
name, number, and how much cash you need after the
tone. If you're from
the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this
message.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I
don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right
now and in a moment, I'll
have a decision to make. Leave your name and
number and I'll be thinking
about it...
Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening
my calls. So start
talking and if you're someone I want to speak with
I'll pick up the phone.
Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you
were trying to call me,
you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand,
if you were trying to
call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name
and number at the tone. I
don't guarantee that one of them will call you
back -- only that I won't.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the
phone right now. Leave a
message, and then wait by your phone until I call
you back.
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I
can take a message. Hang
on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer
and shuffle stuff
around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number.
Please rotate your
phone 90 degrees and try again.
You're growing tired.
Your eyelids are getting
heavy.
You feel very sleepy
now.
You are gradually losing your willpower and
your ability to resist
suggestions.
When you hear the tone you will feel
helplessly compelled to
leave your name, number, and a message.
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if
you'll leave your name and
number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here
in person.
I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how
do you know this is an
answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe
it's an illusion, or maybe
YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to
leave a message, and if
it's reality, I will call you back.
I'm not at home today, and I might not be home
tomorrow. So please leave a
message after the tone. I didn't take a shower
today, and I might not take
one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message
after the tone, you might
have to deal with me in person.
I'm writing the definitive work on pain.
I would
like you to tell me how
this machine makes you feel.
Remember, be honest.
This is for posterity.
(in a Darth Vader voice:)
Speak, worm!
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin
can't come to the phone
right now. He's either saving the universe from
some dreaded, unnamed peril,
or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and
number after the beep and
he will return your call.
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected
your line to a
channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you
leave will be broadcast
into the future.
You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton.
All our agents are busy
confusing the people of the Earth and
cannot come to phone at the
moment. However, your name and number can be left
at the tone and a
representative will gladly contact you shortly to
arrange for your
assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the
ultimate blenstron.
Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and
can't come to the phone
right now, but if you leave your name, phone
number, and a message, I'll
have him call you back as soon as he gets away.
Read all about it in next
week's tabloid.
This is you-know who.
We are you-know-where.
Leave
your you-know-what you-know-when.
You have reached the number you have dialed.
Please leave a message after
the beep.
(For Shakespeare lovers)
So long as phones
can ring and eyes can
see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to
thee.
This is ###-####, and no, it's not Pete's
Pizzaria. It's not the Credit
Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You
can leave a message
though.
Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of
sand, not your regular
loose sand, mind you, but compacted sand, and there
were like, I dunno,
bugs or something jumping up and down on the
compacted sand? Well,
sometimes I do. Bye.
These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got
promises to keep
and
miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at
the beep.
Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the
beep.
If I should die before I
wake,
Remember to erase the tape.
This is a test.
This is a test of the Answering
Machine Broadcast System.
This is only a test.
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep!
No! Please! Not the beep!
Anything but the beep!
AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition
Hotline.
After the tone,
sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile....
I can't come to the phone now, so if......
well........
actually, I CAN come to the
phone NOW,
I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW,
recording this message,
but
you're listening to it
LATER,
except, for you, I
guess it's really NOW,
like, when you're listening to
it...
I mean, like....ahhhh, just forget it.
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