This is a new section to my site that has weather related humor such as jokes and funny stories. If you have a weather related joke or funny story please e-mail it to wxjokes@weatherimages.org Below are some of the ones you have sent me already! The following jokes and stories do not reflect any of my opinions about anything; all jokes are believed to be public domain; bla bla bla...




What is the Mexican weather report?
Chili today and hot tamale.

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a new Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
Submitted by Scott D.

Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was completely whisked away, leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor. The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself.
"It was the most amazing thing ... it was the most amazing thing." she kept repeating dazedly.
"What was the most amazing thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.
"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug and dog-gone-it if the whole house didn't suddenly drain away."

Where did the meteorologist stop for a drink on the way home from a long day in the studio?
The nearest ISOBAR!!
Submitted by SB

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
Submitted by JH

The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
Submitted by JH

Canadian Summers...
- Hi, did you have a good Summer?
- Yes indeed, we had a great picnic that afternoon!!!
Submitted by Paul Bourque, Quebec City, Canada

A small vessel is approaching the Weser river delta from the north sea. The fog is so dense that the captain sends a deckhand to the bow and reduces speed to dead slow ahead. "Can you see anything !?", the captain shouts.. "Not a tiny thing"!, is the answer from the bow. The captain lets the ship sly ahead at lowest speed, only hoping that the currents don't set the ship off to far. "Still nothing in sight!?", the captain asks. "Nothing at all!", is the reply. "Oh, now there seems to b something! It's almost ahead, just a bit to starboard!" "Well, and what is it !?" "I can't tell! By now, it's just a shadow! We need to close in a bit so I can see better!" Cautiously they proceed and the captain turns the ship a little bit to starboard, decreasing the distance to that object. "Can you see it now?" - "Not really, it's still just a shadow!" "Yes! It looks like a buoy ... oh yes, now i can recognize the shape, it is a buoy! Just close in a little bit more!"
After a short moment: "What type of a bouy, can you see that?" "No, I can't! Can not distinguish it's colours, see just a shadow in this fog! Go on closer! It's still slighty to starboard!" Again, the captain turns the ship a bit and they continue dead slow ahead through that thick fog. "Now, what kind of buoy is it !?", the captain shouts. "It's , uhm ..., it is ... "
Rummms! They hit the ground. "Oh yes, now I can see it!" replies the deckhand, "It's a shallow water warning!"
Submitted by Elwood

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
Submitted by Dan N.

Under the Weather Jokes...
16. Rumor has it that the new Miami baseball team will be called "Humidity" so that fans in Florida will be able to say, "It's not the Heat that's so bad, it's the Humidity."
15. The U.S. has only three hurricane warning centers - Coral Gables, FL, Guam, and Honolulu, HI (recently completed). All three have faced Category 4 hurricanes in the past month. Which only goes to show: If you build it, they will come!
14. I really don't understand why the federal government was so slow to send aid to the areas hit by Hurricane Andrew. After all, both Florida and Louisiana have oil.
13. It was so hot today I saw a robin picking earthworms out of the ground with a pair of tongs.
12. What happens when the fog lifts in California? UCLA.
11. How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can see Mt Ranier, it's going to rain. If not, it already is.
10. An honest weatherman says, "Today's forecast is bright and sunny with an 80% chance that I'm wrong."
9. First cave man to 2nd cave man: "I don't care what you say. We never had such unusual weather before they started using bows and arrows."
8. Nate: "Hey, what's the weather like out there?" Kate: "I don't know. I'll tell you when it clears."
7. Why did the lady go out doors with her purse open? Because she expected some change in the weather.
6. It's a bit "muggy" in New York today.
5. There's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.
4. A postcard home: The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
3. Two Viking invaders are trudging up the beach in the pouring rain. One looks skywards and says, "So this is England. What's it like?" The other snarls, "Well, if you like the weather, you'll love the food."
2. There was a communist named Rudolph. One day he looked out the window and said, "It looks like a storm is coming." "No it isn't," said his wife. "Besides, how would you know?" "Because," he responded, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
1. A weather forecaster took a job in another part of the country. When asked why he transferred he replied, "The weather didn't agree with me."
Submitted by Robert

Q) How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather?
A) He's got bugs on his teeth.

If you are standing in the main street of Amsterdam, and can't see the clock tower of the Central Railway Station, that means it is raining. If you can see the clock tower, that means it is about to rain.

Whatever happened to that cow that was lifted into the air by the tornado. Udder disaster!

A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.

He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.

After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't going to rain.

He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.

They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each other.

During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.

"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain." His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?" To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"

Everybody knows about the Fujita Scale which measures the power of tornados. But nobody really knows what all those types of twisters do to COWS. So here is the MOOJITA Scale...
MOOJITA SCALE

M0 Tornado- Cows in an open field are spun around parallel to the wind flow and become mildly annoyed
M1 Tornado- Cows are tipped over and can't get up
M2 Tornado- Cows begin rolling with the wind
M3 Tornado- Cows tumble and bounce
M4 Tornado- Cows are AIRBORN
M5 Tornado- S T E A K ! ! !

Why Phoenix summers are sot HOT . . .

... We go to McDonalds to get coffee and pour it on our laps -- just to cool off!

... The farmers must feed their cows ice cubes, so they don't give powdered milk.

... The farmers feed their chickens ice chips, so they don't lay hard boiled eggs.

... They don't bother making themometers that go below 70 degrees.
Enjoy, Wayne Grossman, Phoenix

After the airline pilot had managed to land his plane -- albeit bumpily -- following a descent through exceptionally heavy weather, he came out of the flight deck to bid his passengers farewell as they gratefully entered the jetway on their way back to terra firma.

The most memorable comment he received was from a little old lady who asked him politely whether he would please satisfy her curiosity on just one point: "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

A preacher and his flock at a very poor church in the hills of Tennessee took up collections, baked cakes and washed cars for months to get enough money to buy paint for the church exterior which was bare and weatherbeaten. Finally they went to Walmart and bought enough paint for the job and all joined together on a Saturday morning to complete the job. When they were about half finished they realized that they were going to run out of paint before finishing. The preacher said, "Its a water base paint, just thin it down with water." They continued painting and thinning until the color started losing its depth and when they finally finished it was dark green at the top, light green in the middle and a very light green (almost white) at the bottom. The preacher and his flock were standing on a nearby hill admiring their work when a dark cloud appeared and the heavens opened up with a deluge of rain which washed all of the newly applied paint off the church. The preacher was in tears and the congregation was stunned at all the hard work they had done for nothing.

Just then there was a huge lightening flash followed by the roll of thunder and a loud voice from the heavens rang out, "REPAINT, REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE."

Q) What's worse than raining buckets?
A) Hailing taxis!

The Top 15 Odd Side Effects of Hurricanes

15> Anti-terrorist cruise missile blown off course "just happens" to land on Ken Starr.
14> Drop in barometric pressure causes unexpected Viagra failure and results in a sudden surge in Trans Am purchases.
13> In Florida, howling of winds drowns out howling from Kennedy Compound.
12> Same $100 million hurricane damage in the Carolinas only costs $23.89 dollars in Alabama.
11> Employees at the Olean factory have no problem with orders to evacuate immediately.
10> Pamela Anderson experiences whiplash as breasts fly in opposite directions.
9> Jesse Helms actually observed leaning slightly to the left.
8> South Carolinians can now projectile-vomit over 430 feet!
7> Drop in barometric pressure causes girl-scout cookies to swell so large that they're temporarily worth six bucks a box.
6> Inexplicable changes in Al Roker's magnetic field.
5> Sudden shortage of Springer guests, as incest and promiscuity take a back seat to gettin' the ol' trailer right-side up again.
4> Headlines with the word "blow", but no mention whatsoever of Monica.
3> Pre-storm rush allows supermarkets to finally get rid of old stock of Spam and Zima.
2> Earl the plywood salesman starts tippin' fives at the topless club.
and Number 1 Odd Side Effect of Hurricanes...
1> White House interns get time off while the President drops his pants and lets nature take its course.

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

Years ago, Nebraskans got tired of leaning into the wind, having their top soil blown away, and chickens laying their eggs two and three times. Seems the wind continually came down from Canada, and there was nothing between Canada and Nebraska to stop it. The farmers all got together and decided to build a fence across the North Border of the State of Nebraska. . . . the idea being, to stop that cold wind. It might've worked, too. The barbed wire they used was strong enough, .but the real problem was that a couple owners of farms on the upper boarder kept leaving their gates open.
Contributor: An Oregonian

During the month of June and July. Here in the panhandle it got pretty hot in this area. In Fact people were even overworking in the heat. So one day I was working outside in the heat and then i thought i better get inside. My Boss asked me where i was going and i told him i am going inside to cool down . He said that i better get back to work. I said i cant, he said how come.? Because it is so hot out here that i have to go inside to change my mind.
Submitted by Crystal H.

Natural Laws
I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment.
One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.
As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where.)
"Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared.
"You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

Recently during the heavy rains they have experienced in New England the mail carrier for one neighborhood commeneted on the "pouring rain." Well , atleast the dew point is coming down!

El Nino Humor
An observant chap died one day and was waiting in a very long line for judgment. He noticed that some people, after they went through the line, were able to go through Heaven's Gates. Others were lining up behind Satan who was throwing most of them into the eternal fires of hell.
Every once in while, though, instead of tossing a poor soul into the fire, he would toss him/her to one side. After watching for hours, the fellow could not resist. He gave up his place in line and went over and tapped Satan on the shoulder.
"Excuse me, sir," he said. "I'm supposed to be in line for judgment, (he didn't want Satan to mistake him for someone who had already been condemned to hell) but I couldn't help but wonder why some of these people are being tossed aside instead of into the fires of hell?"
"Oh," Satan said with a snicker. "Those are Californians. These days they're too wet to burn.

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tommorrow, rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow, storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio broke."

Good ol' El Nino has left us here in central Florida high & dry. It rained on the first day of April and the last day of April and none in between. Its so dry here that when my mother-in-law went fishin' the other day, the catfish she caught had ticks on it!! Then the ol' alligator had a terrible case of athlete's foot. Now that's dry!!!!!
Sent in by someone in Florida

AN ANNOTATED THERMOMETER
60 -Californians put on sweaters(if they can find one in their wardrobe)
50 -Miami residents turn on the heat
40 -You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably Minnesotans go swimming.
35 -Italian cars don't start
32 -Water freezes
30 -You plan your vacation to Australia, Minnesotans put on T-shirts, Politicians begin to worry about the homeless, British cars don't start
25 -Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming
20 -You can hear your breath, Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further south
15 -French cars don't start, You plan a vacation in Mexico, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you 10 -Too cold to ski, You need jumper cables to get your car going
5 -You plan your vacation in Houston, American cars don't start
0 -Alaskans put on T-shirts, too cold to skate
-10 -German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 -You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansas residents stick tongues to metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist
-20 -Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start
-25 -Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get driver going
-30 -You plan a two week hot bath, The Mighty Monongajela freezes. Swedish cars don't start
-40 -Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, your car helps you plan your trip south
-50 -Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window
-60 -Hell freezes over, Polar bears move south!!

The OTHER Annotated Thermometer...
40 Siberians melt.
50 Scandinavians sweat.
70 Alaskans declare record heatwave. Californians rise from hibernation.
80 Canadians turn on the air conditioning full blast. Arizona residents stop shivering.
90 Death Valley residents awaken. Scandinavians go underground.
100 British start sacrificing goats to make the sun go away. Californians finally turn off the heaters.
105 Texans drink coffee. Alaskans melt.
110 Arabians awaken and thaw. Canadians weep. New Yorkers burst open street fire hydrants.
120 Australians notice the sun is out. All Europeans and Canadians spontaneously combust.
130 Too hot to think. Texans and Californians undo top button. Antarctica is gone, polar bears extinct.
150 Miami residents put on sunglasses. Texans turn on the fan.
200 Arizona children amuse themselves by dropping eggs on sidewalk and giggle while they fry.
212 Water Boils. Death Valley residents put on deodorant.
327 Lead Boils. Okies notice it is warm out.
345 Saharans comment that the sand is a little stingy today.
400 Camels die.
2000 Nuclear blast nominal yield.

Least Competent Reactions to Winter
To thaw the frozen pipes in his house in Farmingville, N. Y., in January, John Porter backed his car up against an open window so the exhaust could warm up the basement. Shortly afterward, Porter, his wife, and their three children had to be rushed to the hospital suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning. [San Francisco Examiner-New York Daily News, 1-17-94]

George Gibbs, 23, suffered second- and third-degree burns on his head in Columbus, Ohio, in January. He had diagnosed his car's problem as a frozen fuel line, which he thought he could correct by running warm gasoline through it. He then tried to heat a two-gallon can of gasoline on a gas stove. [Columbus Dispatch, Jan94]

XYZ COMPANY INC.
February 21, 1995
TO: RTP Staff
SUBJECT: RTP's Inclement Weather Policy
Since we have many new staff members who have joined us due to the large number of casualties incurred during the last few months, I thought it best if I would restate RTP's Inclement Weather Policy.
Basically, the policy is: 1) The building is always open. 2) You are coming to work. There is no way you are getting a day off with pay. 3) In the event hell does freeze over you can listen to any of the following radio or television stations:

620 AM - WDNC TV5 - WRAL
680 AM/TV28 - WPTF TV11 - WTVD
In fact you can listen to any radio station or watch any television station you please. What you will find out is that hell is closed, but you are still coming to work.
Once again we ask you to use your best judgement in determining your method of travel. We suggest ice skates, or perhaps a dogsled (those huskies are very sure-footed). Keep in mind you have the following options:

1. Come to work
2. Come to work
3. Come to work
Please feel free to whine about the fact that IBM, GLAXO, Northern Telecom etc. are closed. We don't care. If you have any other questions regarding this policy, we suggest that you find employement elsewhere.

Top 10 reasons the weather satellite map isn't working.
Background: With the earlier floods in California, and in parts of Sonoma county in particular, everyone was paying close attention to the satellite weather maps that are transmitted on the Internet. Unfortunately since the recent heavy rain storms, the US satellite weather picture had had the clouds shown as smeared white horizontal stripes, and the white outline markings for the US, Canada, and Mexico is badly shifted about 2000 miles to the east.

From the local news group:

Howard wrote:
= So, nu, what's happened to the weatherroot? My screen shows white lines
= all throughout and the boundary overlay has shifted tremendously...

It will help if you've seen a recent satellite 'weatherroot' picture. (Having just finished a Togo's sandwich helps also ;-):

Top 10 reasons the satellite picture isn't working:

#10. During the flood, water got into the satellite.
#9. During the flood, water got into the satellite receiver.
#8. So much rain fell during the flood, the planet shifted.
#7. The picture is fine, its the planet that's messed up.
#6. The high winds are blowing the clouds REALLY REALLY HARD.
#5. Its finally happened, but not to California (as had been predicted): The East Coast has fallen into the ocean.
#4. California politics have shifted to the center (of the country).
#3. The Peso has fallen so low that Mexico is at the bottom of the ocean.
#2. When it flooded, the satellite ended up being washed. Now the satellite's on "spin cycle".
#1. The satellite has to spin all the time in order to make the picture, and its dizzy.

Los Angeles--A radio station weather forecaster who predicted rain for a Rush Limbaugh event ran into a storm of opposition from station management and was fired for not altering his forcast, according to the Los Angeles Times.
Forcaster Sean Boyd was quoted in yesterday's editions of the Times as saying he had been fired by his boss at KMJ, one of the top three markets in the country for Limbaugh's syndicated morning show, after he refused to change his weather forecast of a chance of rain for an outdoor function honoring the conservative commentator.
Boyd's prediction was for April 15, the date of the second annual Dittohead Barbecue and Politically Incorrect Picnic at the fairgrounds in Madera, Calif.
The central California event was organized by KMJ, whose news and talk format is used to pound President Clinton and anyone else it considers to be a liberal.
Boyd told the Times his boss asked him to "fudge" his forecast by predicting a greater possibility of sunshine rather than a chance of rain, as the latter might keep people away from the event.
Al Smith, KMJ's general manager, said Boyd's firing was the result of a buildup of things.
On the day, Boyd had the last word, the heavens opened up and it poured, the Times said.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. (P.S. To the leaders on India: If you wanted to really show strength, you should of come up with some way to create a manmade hurricane - Now THAT would be one heckuavan accomplishment)

The Safeway on Arapahoe Rd. in Boulder recently remodeled its produce section. On top of the display cases there are small speakers with strobe lights mounted on them. Just before the water spray (which supposedly keeps their vegetables fresh) begins, a very realistic sound of thunder comes from the speakers and the strobe lights flash. Its worth the trip to the store just to see this.

From The Best and Worst of Everything, Parade Magazine, Sunday December 28, 1997, Page 10.
Initially from the Rocky Mountain News, "BEST EXPERIMENT"
"If you are caught without an umbrella when it starts to rain, will you stay drier by running to shelter instead of walking?
Thomas Peterson and Trevor Wallis, of Asheville, N.C., both climatologists, calculated that running made one 44% drier over 100 meters (about 328 feet).
To test their findings, they measured off a 100-meter course and waited for it to rain. They wore identical dry clothing that had been weighed before the test (they wear the same size) and wore plastic bags under their clothes to trap any water that might seep through. Peterson walked the course, while Wallis ran. Afterward, they weighed the clothes again. The result: Wallis' clothes were 40% drier.
Frankly, we'd take a cab."

While devising a spur-of-the-moment NCAA basketball pool, in the presence of at least 6 other people, 2 of which are the WWW board instigators, George explained that the winner of this pool would be the one with the "cumulus best record". The cumulative decision was to nominate him...

There is a Shreveport cable TV channel that broadcasts the (live) video of the Shreveport radar and the audio of the NOAA weather radio station. When explaining why he knew he should go into meteorology, he said that when he was young, he would sometimes watch the channel even when there were no echoes, just for fun.

Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident, and called from the hospital about the four casts.

Well, those are all the weather related jokes and stories you folks have sent me lately! The above remarks do not necessarily represent the ideas or opinions of this website or its webmaster, Mark. If you have one please e-mail it to wxjokes@weatherimages.org Thanks!
-Mark

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