Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on NBC: Well, folks, tomorrow night, President Bush will give his farewell address to the nation. Or, as the White House is calling it, a very special episode of “Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?”

Barack Obama says one of the first things he’ll do as president is sign an executive order closing down Guantanamo Bay, to which President Bush said, “Hey, well that’s nothing. I’ve closed down factories, car dealerships…”

Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program.

Barack Obama also says he wants to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t you bring some accountants to Washington, O.K.? Tell us where the hell our $750 billion went!

Speaking of that, the new Treasury secretary nominee, Timothy Geithner, has come up with a plan to lower taxes. Don’t pay them!

In a last-minute complication to what looked like an otherwise smooth path to confirmation, Timothy Geithner, President-elect Obama’s nominee for the secretary of Treasury admitted that from 2001 to 2004 he failed to pay $34,000 in Federal tax. Fortunately for him, this is not his field of expertise. You know, he’s just nominee for Secretary of the Treasury!

A Democratic spokesman called the issue today “an honest mistake.” How come, in Washington, the only time anyone is honest is when they make a mistake?

Well, you ever notice this? Whenever politicians don’t pay their taxes, “Oh, it’s an honest mistake.” Huh? You know what they call it when you and I don’t pay our taxes? “Exhibit A for the prosecution.”

President Bush, appearing on Fox News Sunday morning, confirmed that he is planning on writing a book. Bush admitted he’ll use a ghost writer. Well, sure, if it’s about his Presidency, it’s going to be a horror story. He’ll need a ghost writer.

And yesterday morning, on the “Today” show, they did a big story about Barack Obama’s mother-in-law moving into the White House. Basically, they believe she’ll be a big help to the family. Not as big a help as it would have been to have Bill Clinton’s mother-in-law living in the White House.

And health experts are now concerned that the bad economy may be causing Americans to gain weight. They call it “recession pounds.” Really? Recession pounds? Have these people been to a shopping mall in the last 10 years? Either that theory is dead wrong or we’ve been in a recession since 1985, okay?

And the adult film industry, better known as the porn industry, has asked Congress for a $5 billion bailout. They say they’re going to use the money to make more fuel efficient porn.

Neiman Marcus announced they are cutting 400 jobs. See, I knew this would happen when the Republicans took away Sarah Palin’s campaign credit card.

Yesterday, Tony Blair was given the Medal of Freedom by President Bush, but there was an awkward moment. When President Bush found out that Cherie Blair was a barrister, he said, “Oh, you make coffee at Starbucks.”