Monologue | Aired Tuesday night on NBC: President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air time on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. Well, the White House says he’s going to use part of the time to list his accomplishments. No word yet what he’s going to do with the other 14 minutes.
Actually, listen to this. NBC said if the speech does really well in ratings, they’re going to offer President Bush his own show every night at 9 o’clock.
President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he said he wanted to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I think they realized actual accountability, never going to happen.
Did you know Barack Obama’s mother-in-law is going to be moving into the White House with them? I think this qualifies as change Barack Obama does not believe in.
Now, let me ask you, when Barack Obama’s mother-in-law moves into the White House, do you think she’s going to be like all mother-in-laws? Like, when Barack Obama is upstairs asleep at the White House, do you think she’ll be down in the kitchen with Michelle, going, “You know, you could have done better.”
And during Hillary’s confirmation hearing today, Louisiana Senator David Vitter — remember the guy that got caught with the hookers? Well, he’s Mr. Ethics now. He was very concerned about who’s contributing to Bill Clinton’s campaign, you know the library deal. But he had to leave when an aide told him it was time for his “3 o’clock with Bambi and Thumper.”
The number of Americans who are obese now outnumber the number of Americans who are merely overweight. One-third of all Americans are obese. You know what that means? One out of every three people is three people.
And The New York Times reporting on a radical new treatment for intensive care patients: Get them up and out of bed as soon as possible. Is that new? Haven’t H.M.O.’s been doing that for years?
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A farewell by Bush will be teary
— Larry EisenbergTo Viewers, most of whom are weary,
Of his dimwitted lies,
An eight year reprise
Of reality, tends to be eerie.
No longer are they the generation boomers, more like the generation busters!
Another way ofsaving money today, join a car pool to the unemplyment office.
Talk about how cold the weather has been, what about what’s happening in the world news — gotta be that all hell is freezing over as well!
The new definition of who the vanishing American is — it’s the new car buyer?
— Gil Stern