The faces and voices of infertility.Serious health problems often take an emotional toll, and that’s particularly true for the problem of infertility. Couples endure time-consuming and expensive treatments with no guarantee they will ever conceive or carry a baby to term.
Few people who haven’t experienced infertility can understand the challenges of living with the uncertainty of infertility or the grief that ensues when families give up the dream of having children. Worse, comments meant to soothe (”You can always adopt”) end up being insensitive.
This week, my colleague Karen Barrow’s regular series called “Patient Voices” focuses on infertility. To listen, click here.
Healthy living doesn't happen at the doctor's office. The road to better health is paved with the small decisions we make every day. It's about the choices we make when we buy groceries, drive our cars and hang out with our kids. Join columnist Tara Parker-Pope as she sifts through medical research and expert opinions for practical advice to help readers take control of their health and live well every day. You can reach Ms. Parker-Pope at 
The easiest and most pleasurable way to eat well is to cook. Recipes for Health offers recipes with an eye towards empowering you to cook healthy meals every day. 
From 1 to 25 of 405 Comments
After one course of treatment with serephene years ago, I said “No More.” The thing I can’t figure out about not getting pregnant, is why I was given such a sex drive! I would tell my husband, What was the purpose of my attracting him, enjoying him so much, enjoying sex so much, and then not produce a child! What kind of plan is that?
on instinct, I believe I had eggs that would not “launch”. But it never dminished my sex drive!
We chose not to adopt, but have families we treasure in our small town and are very blessed with wonderful nieces and nephews. Adoption has been a thorn in my side, but I discovered dogs that I enjoy raising. My husband has just seen too many adoptions that were contentious through the years for various reasons. I think mostly he worried about getting a child of our own through adoption then have a parent fight us for the child in the courts.
Thank you for bringing up this topic. I do compensate for the loss I feel by loving children and their mothers who are here.
— leslie van de venMrs. Leslie Van de Ven, RN, BA.
I have little sympathy for people who can’t have their own children. No one ever promised you a rose garden, and no one ever promised you a perfect family, either.
Sometimes, you need to suck it up, play the cards life dealt you, and live your life the best you can.
FROM TPP — People with infertility are used to that harsh response, but speaking as someone who did not have fertility problems, I remain shocked by such an uncaring attitude.
— TimHaving read various articles on this subject, I still do not fully understand the adoption issue. Without sounding insensitive, I do wonder why adoption is not even an option for many. Is it procreation vs the actual child? The ability to have something that is half you and half the person you love?
I do personally have rather strong feelings on the subject, partly because one of my closest friends was adopted from indonesia as a baby. I know no more loving, devoted parents and my life would certainly have been poorer without his parents’ choice.
I do admit that I am still young (25) and nowhere near a family-raising stage in my life, so while I can not know what I will feel when that time comes I cannot really believe my position could change dramatically.
— lisa.mPlease — consider adoption. I remember the struggle and pain over the years of infertility. I remember the miscarriage I had, I remember the sound of my sobbing in the hospital bathroom, like a knife in my heart. But twenty four years ago we chose to adopt, and did so three times. My children are the best thing I have ever done with my life. Yes, they are not my blood. But it doesn’t matter. They are in my heart. They are three of the most beautiful human beings I have ever known. Sure it was a struggle. Is there any other thing in life? It was worth it, all of it. And, now, people see me now, and say, who is that big old white woman sitting with all those Latinos? She is the Granny. The Mama’. The reason for all of them being together. Take a chance. Adopt. All it takes is love. Is there any other thing in life.. . ?
— Mary Van Der LoopTara, just wondering… is the problem of infertility mainly among women in their 30’s or older? Should lisa.m (comment #3) be concerned that perhaps she should start her family sooner, rather than later?
— withersteenWhere do you draw the line between others insensitivity and the infertile couple’s selfishness? Of course they are entitled to grieve the loss of their future family, but instead of dropping tens of thousands to try to get the child they think they are supposed to have why do so few couples adjust their dreams to include a child that would be lost without them? I’m afraid I have to agree with Tim’s somewhat blunt opinion - these couples are refusing the lemons life gave them and so miss out on the sweetest lemonade because it doesn’t fit in to their idea of a perfect life.
— NicoleOn a tangent: is survival of the fittest at play here? The ultimate goal of every species on Earth is to reproduce; when told they can’t, are these couples really on a quest for a baby or in denial about not being able to fulfill one of nature’s most important laws? If the former is true, then an adopted baby fills the need. But clearly these couples don’t feel that any baby that needs a loving home is enough, it must be THEIR baby. So now I am back to my original question about selfishness. How many children’s lives would be changed forever if they spent their money on food and clean water for impoverished families rather than on fruitlessly chasing elusive sperm and eggs?
I found the people in this article a little unsympathetic. You’re not forced into a life of childlessness when there are so many children that need adopting. I would have liked to know more about why adoption is so out the question when these woman were so desperate to have children in the first place. They’re not related to their husbands by blood, yet they love them, marry them and try to start a family with them. Why can’t they have the same attitude about a child? Perhaps more needs to be done to council these woman and help them understand why they’re so against it?
— BartYes #2 was harsh BUT do infertility patients really rate the same sympathy as those suffering debilitating, painful or lethal diseases? That’s essentially the claim - we’re suffering just as much as they are. I don’t think so. You’re not even suffering as much as someone who lost a limb, since you haven’t lost something you had and which was intrinsic to you, you’ve lost merely the opportunity to perpetuate your genes (a biological instinct which rationality ought to be able to overcome) and the ability to have the next in the series of lifestyle choices (parenthood).
As a mother who chose to have a child at the ripe old age of 30, and who discovered the harsh reality - what a drag it is, they should count themselves lucky! I wish I’d had a decade of whining about not having kids instead of spending a decade as a slave to my twins, the first 3 years covered in food and bodily fluids, the next 3 chasing them away from danger and trying to “do” all the stuff you’re supposed to do. I love them as people and honestly do my best by them but honestly if I could go back no way in the world would I have had them!
My answer to those who think infertility is a “struggle” is try parenting a foster child for a year, preferably an infant. THAT is a struggle. You don’t know the meaning of the word.
Count yourselves lucky. Kids wreck your house, your relationships, your figure, your skin, your social life, your clothes and that’s just the beginning.
I think the people who are left out in all this sympathy are the parents who don’t enjoy being parents. We’re the outcasts no one speaks of. We’re the ones who get the dirty looks if we say “oh god not another turn on the swing pleeeease God no” or make the earth shattering statements that newborns are godawful boring all day.
Any infertile woman who cares to can take my twins for just 1 day and find out how easy her life is and go back to a lovely clean, neat, organized and spontaneous existence.
— karlieRe lisa.m #3, adoption is harder than most people realize. International adoption is getting more difficult (and expensive) as countries like China start to think it’s a national shame that so many of their abandoned kids are adopted by foreigners. US adoption–there aren’t a lot of unwanted newborns out there since roe v wade, and many prospective parents are worried about bonding with an older child. Not to mention the constant concern that a woman with an unwanted pregnancy might not be taking great care of her tenant.
Someone who has never wanted children (I’m guessing #2 Tim) can have a hard time understanding what the fuss is about. But for those who do want children, it’s easier to get, especially if you listen to the interviews with women in various situations; it was brave of them to be as frank as they were.
— Mrs. HydeAs an adoptee I feel compelled to caution against pushing adoption as an infertility panacea. Children should not be ‘treatment’ for a medical problem. Let us not forget that in order to have children available to meet the needs of infertile couples who want to ‘form a family’ the child’s family of origin must first be torn apart. Yes there are children whose parents are unable to care for them, however I believe that family preservation should be a priority rather than the break-apart to re-form model that has been used in child welfare to such devastating effect over the past century. Family doesn’t just mean parents and children are often better off within their biological extended family where the links to genealogy, culture and heritage can be maintained.
— TerryDo you women need eggs from the ovary, or have you tried to fertilize your own eggs? My heart goes out to you - I am finished having a family now if anyone is interested in ovarian eggs?
FROM TPP — There are definitely options for women to seek egg donors, but while that gives women the experience of being pregnant and giving birth, it is not technically a biological child, and for some couples, that is a priority. .
— Angela WalkerWhy are all the women interviewed white?
— Amanda#3. If you are in your 20’s, and you want children, do it soon!! Most infertility occurs when the woman is over 30 (#5).
While many do successfully have kids over 30, many do not, so if it’s a must-have, do it before you get too old!!
As for #2, that’s pretty harsh, but I do agree to a certain extent with #6, which addresses the monetary cost (often picked up by insurance) of fertility enhancement procedures. These should be picked up by the couple; if you don’t like it, adoption is usually an option.
— jackThanks for these moving testimonials. I am 41 and the mother of 2. I am surrounded by women friends my age who have made every choice and faced every issue you covered here. I am full of compassion for all women facing these big choices about becoming mothers.
I applaud the honesty of all the women who spoke here.
I only wish you had profiled one or two women of color.
— Anne (Jersey City)Growing up on a farm if an animal couldn’t reproduce then it was sent to auction because it was of no value. Infertility was very hard to bear and affected my self worth. Was it my punishment because I wasn’t an organized person ? As I matured I realized that I was unique and had many gifts to use to help children. This poem from a resolve newsletter sums up what I felt at that time. “I am in pain someone just died. who you say? someone who never was.I am infertile. my period just came. I hurt so much.My own body keeps reminding me that I am incomplete. I don’t function properly. Why?Why?Why? Oh my baby,Why can’t you be?”-anonymous Be kind to others ,for we all have our own struggles and disappointments.
— SusanAs we ruin our planet, worry about our jobs, bemoan our lack of health care and get gouged by the skyrocketing price of everything, why would you want to bring a child into this world? I say enjoy your life: read a good book, dine with friends and extended families, relax and destress, etc. Children are very expensive. I don’t call myself childless, I’m child free and loving it.
— patriciaFor me it came down to…do I want to be pregnant, or do I want to be a mother. Being a mother was what I reaaaaalllly wanted most.
— stephanieAs an otherwise perfectly healthy but infertile male I am sympathetic to women who struggle with infertility. I am, however, frustrated that not only is there no medical treatment or solution available for most men, there is little to no support available for infertile men, and there is an incredible negative stigma associated with it (jokes about “shooting blanks”).
— DKRe: Karlie’s post
I was appalled reading Karlie’s post and can not believe someone can be that insensitive. Having fertility problems myself for a few years and being BLESSED with my beautiful twins I can not understand how someone whom it doesn’t seem had any fertility problems can possibly understand what woman (and men) go through. Yes raising children is not easy and yes can get “messy” at times but that is nothing in comparison when your child gives you a smile or a kiss and hug. I feel for her children and it always annoys me when I see women who struggle to conceive and would make wonderful mothers and then there are these women who resent there children for taking “their life away”. It’s just unfair. Just my 2 cents.
— SusanThis was a good article and I appreciate the attempt to include this subject, so over looked and/or condescended in society. But, for those of us who will never have a child in our arms, the article falls short in that it has a happy ending for 5 of the 7 women. It follows suit with so many other articles and stories in this way. The truth and the ever present pain for 2 of the women still needs to be addressed wholly on its own merit. Also, DES daughters were not mentioned. We are the guinea pigs of modern fertility medicine gone wrong. As far as adoption goes, one can only ask their husband so many times to love someone else’s child. If he hasn’t the room in his heart, then he hasn’t. It is not empathetic or compassionate to keep telling people to “Please consider adoption” when they simply cannot.
— Cynthia GranRegarding TPP’s response to my post at #2:
Uncaring attitude? Maybe. But I’ll save my sympathy for someone who really needs it. When a society is so fortunate with everything it has, such as the US, it’s significant that the inability to have a baby is supposed to be deserving of sympathy.
TPP, have you seen the living conditions outside the borders of your perfect world? It doesn’t have to be overseas - just visit any slum in your very own city. THAT is where I’ll place my sympathy.
If the inability to have your own offspring is your greatest problem in life, you’re damn lucky, indeed.
— TimTo Tim,
That is one of the most crude, heartless things I have ever heard. Wanting to have children is a huge part of my life…and I’m a guy! Heck, I wouldn’t even date or marry a girl who didn’t want children as part of her life.
I also understand the biological argument. I really want children who are a part of me, who will continue on who I am after I am gone. I will be pretty sad if one day I find out that I can’t have children because of sperm motility problems, etc. I truly feel for women who are caught in this situation, especially for the stigma this is placed on them sometimes by men as being “damaged” in some way.
— John-Robert La PortaWhy does the media (not you here, TPP) have people trained (#12, #14) to miss the whole point, and focus on race (or gender)?
This problem of infertility, just as many others, trancends race and gender (#18). Discussing such an issue should serve to bring us together, based on a common human bond, instead of dividing us based on skin color or gender.
— jackFor 14 years, my husband and I avoided birth control, hoping for seredipitous conception. We did not conceive. Though difficulty conceiving is very atypical for the women in my immediate family, I didn’t want to ask my doctors the questions to which I didn’t want to hear the answers.
Family members, however, ask lots of questions. We defended our childless-ness with two lines. “We feel like a complete family, just the two of us.” and, eventually, “Maybe it isn’t an option.”
Although these were lines of defense, they were also concepts with which we had to grapple. After a confirmed miscarriage, the questions became immediate – do we really feel like a complete family, just us two? Do we want to be aggressive about making a birth child an option?
Answering the first question resulted, for us, in an answer to the second. We reflected on our life as a family of 2 and discovered we truly like this life. Then we contemplated incorporating the testing, the temperature taking, on-demand sex with post acrobatics, IVF. . . after a short foray into these rituals, we knew that life wasn’t for us.
Our decision did not preclude our longing for a child made of both of us, guilt, envy, self-doubt. But our decision was a decision that we could live with. We had to feel okay knowing we chose not to try everything possible. Every couple – or individual – facing this issue should feel free to answer these questions in the way that is most honest for them.
Two years after the miscarriage, I am pregnant (serendipitously.) We are excited, grateful, nervous. Fertility is such a complicated and personal topic. Living with it can be very sad and lonely when it is treated like a secret. Thank you for opening a dialogue.
— CASThanks for this reflection on the tough decisions that have to be made when dealing with infertility. My partner and I are still grappling with how we want to proceed (IVF, remain childless, alt methods, adoption). Recently I came to the conclusion that as much as this life situation sucks, we are and can have a happy fulfilling life. And with that knowledge, whatever the outcome, we can make our descisions with confidence.
If you haven’t struggled with infertilty please do not judge. It’s too personal of an issue. If you can’t be empathetic to another human’s biological desire to procreate the fundametal point is missed.
And saying that it isn’t the same as having cancer or loosing a limb is short-sighted. There are many reasons for infertility, like cancer, an accident, or as in my case an Ovarian cancer scare. Which leads me back to the point, you can’t judge another person’s pain.
— Lanie