Bipolar disorder (Rob Bennett, Nathaniel Brooks, Steven Kagan, Jeffrey Sauger, Brendan Smialowski, Lori Waselchuk for The New York Times)I have long admired the bravery and selflessness of patients who are willing to tell their personal health stories. Today, “Patient Voices,” created by my colleague Karen Barrow, gives a voice to bipolar disorder, featuring nine courageous people who share their own stories of diagnosis, treatment, struggle and acceptance.
You’ll meet 42-year-old Carter Goodwin of Beacon, N.Y., whose honesty about his disease will move you. “I miss the mania,” said Mr. Goodwin, an artist. “I love the mania. It feels so good to feel like I can do anything and like there is something really special about me. But it’s all chemical. It’s not true.”
And there’s Jacqueline Castine of Bloomfield Hills, Mich., who talks of “coming to the very end of myself” before she was diagnosed at the age of 57 with bipolar disorder. Sadly, Ms. Castine’s son also suffered from mental illness, and killed himself.
“I could not save him,” she said. “I could not fix him. He leaves a beautiful daughter and a very sad mother.”
And there’s Victoria Maxwell, 41, from Vancouver, British Columbia, who talks about the challenges she faced while dating and deciding whether to disclose her illness.
“I really wrestled with when do you tell somebody,” said Ms. Maxwell, who is now married. “Generally speaking I would let them get to know who I am, and if they didn’t like me for me, I couldn’t chalk it up to having bipolar disorder.”
Whether your life has been touched by mental illness or not, you will find the stories shocking, heartbreaking and hopeful. To hear the voices of bipolar disorder, click here.
And please, share your comments below.
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From 1 to 25 of 164 Comments
A few years ago I briefly dated someone with bipolar disorder. I was very attracted to him at first, but eventually the difficulties of seeing someone who was unreliable and overly emotional led me to break it off. I’m not sure if he was receiving any treatment, but I think he should have been. I haven’t heard from him in years, but I hope he is doing better.
— SusanI thank the brave voices for helping me understand what the struggles are to cope with this illness.
— LaurieMy dear friend took her life this week; as I struggle to understand… I found great comfort from hearing the voices of the brave.
As a bipolar person from a family of many bipolar people, I would suggest that there is yet another unfortunate experience here, at least for me and mine, most closely related to Ms. Green’s experience on the downside. It is this: for some people, those “blues” become a security blanket to wrap up in like a cocoon, and from which it can be well-nigh impossible to return. If there’s a certain addiction to the high, there can be a certain addiction to the low as well, when the low enables you to absolve yourself of responsibilities by reveling in your own self-pity.
Eventually, it becomes hard for family and friends to sympathize when, no matter how legitimate, it also becomes self-indulgent.
And then it begins to cost you relationships.
— Renaissance BloggerI was completely and fully in love with a young beautiful brilliant man whose life I tried to ’save’. I never thought twice about sacrificing anything if it meant that he could get through another day.
— Tigers8942Truly a star that, unfortunately, left a dark past behind him from his downspiral into schizophrenia & bipolar. I’m afraid people will only remember him for his mania and self-destruction. I still consider myself lucky in my life to have been able to touch his brilliance. And he most certainly will live with me as long as I live.
Did you know that tobacco contains a considerable amount of lithium?? Perhaps this explains why people feel that smoking “settles their nerves”.
— JeremyThanks to these brave people for sharing the truth about this disorienting and challenging condition.
— KathleenMania for me was like a trip to Oz - colorful, exotic and filled with flying monkeys. Medication has taken me back to Kansas. Black & white, stable..safer.
But do I miss the Emerald City? Everyday. But I’m learning to like Kansas,
My 20 year old son was diagnosed with Juvenile onset Bi-polar disorder at 14 years of age. From the time he could walk, we knew there was something different about him. Bi-polar disorder is very different in the child and adolescent body. Just after he turned 18, he had his first full-blown manic psychotic episode. It has been a rollercoaster ride of schools, therapists, law enforcement, hospital stays and medications. We are still on the rollercoaster. He is an extremely intelligent and charming individual. Our hope is that he learns to cope with his illness and lives his life to the fullest.
— Brigitte BrownAfter two hospitalizations for hallucinatory delusions 13 years ago, I’ve lived with bipolar successfully since then with the help of medication. This is a serious illness with serious consequences for misdiagnosis or neglect. But those with bipolar also need to find a way to laugh at themselves and their illness. Truly.
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— Howard Freemanhttp://meadonmanhattan.wordpress.com/
Angelique Mayes’ story really touched me because I remember as a child having horrible panic attacks. I would cry and feel incredibly anxious which is really scary for a kid. My mother would tell me to pray and “rebuke the Devil in the name of Jesus and send him back to hell.” Spirituality is great and helps me in many ways, but I needed psychiatric help then.
— AnneFirst, we need a concerted effort to remove the stigma of mental/emotional problems, especially bipolar disorder. Only then, with support of family and friends, will more people seek diagnosis and treatment. There are some great medications out there, but people with the disorder must take them regularly. More stories in the media of successful results will help get rid of myths surrounding this dreaded illness.
— Elaine, PsyNP,PhDOver the course of a year with my now ex-psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with depression, chronic anxiety, bipolar depression, ADD, ADHD and I was put on several different medications that either temporarily reduced systems or caused side effects that made my condition much, much worse.
Be wary of one doctor telling you that you are bipolar. Get a second and third opnion, because half of the time, it is an educated guess.
It’s not like there’sd a blood test for it and I believe people are being misdiagnosed for this disorder every day.
The worst part of my supposed bi-polar disorder were all the drugs that I was put on to help me. The meds for this disorder brought on suicidal feelings for the first time in my life, sexual side effects, anger unlike anything I have ever experienced and other, lesser physical side effects.
I’m just saying, you might end up worse than you did when you first walked into the doctor’s office. Read up on it. Read blogs about it. Make sure this is a true possibility for you before you find yourself worse off then you ever were.
I’m not some kind of scientologist, anti-meds, anti-psychiatry. I have a great talk therapist now for anxiety and general life issues. But don’t just accept what a shrink is usually just guessing is wrong with you.
— AML in BKI have bipolar II, which is milder than bipolar I. As a result, I never got into trouble with authorities, I was just known for emotional excesses. People would tell me, “just be yourself,” but I didn’t know what that was.
I read a book about bipolar disorder in 1982, discovered it was all about me, and called a psychiatrist the next day. Diagnosing oneself is a sure way to make a doctor skeptical, but he confirmed it. As a result, my bipolar disorder has been in remission for 25 years. It reminds me of its presence from time to time, but never fully emerges.
Your mood skews your judgment. Things that would be wonderful on a good day are burdensome when you are having a bad day. With bipolar disorder, one eventually learns not to trust one’s emotional judgment. That means I can’t go by feel, I have to figure things out. With time, I’ve gotten good at it, but I still need people to explain to me why I am liked or not or why people appreciate me or not.
My doctor says it is not uncommon for a person with untreated bipolar disorder to commit suicide because he is so alone, but hundreds of his friends, whose love he could not see, attend his funeral. I just wish I were not blind to love.
— PseudonymI’ve had four bipolar episodes in the last five years, three of them while on medication. I just lost a job opportunity because of the cognitive side effects of being on lithium. There is also a physical effect.
— Tracey McAllisterWorst of all is the sense of loss, of the previous normal life with no worries. Now there is the worry of another episode as well as the effect of medication side effect.
Having been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder 2 years ago, I recognized a good deal of myself in many of these testimonials. I am still working to come to terms with the mindset and lifestyle changes I am making and will have to continue to make in order to successfully “overcome” this illness. (I have had 3 full-blown manic episodes in the past two years, two of which I was hospitalized for.) Bipolar disorder is incredibly frustrating on so many levels, but listening to these people talk about their experiences with mental illness lets me know that I am not alone in my experience. And it gives me hope that I can find a kind of equilibrium, peace with myself and my illness, and the strength to overcome the incredibly powerful and often seductive elements of bipolar disorder.
— StephanieI don’t think bipolar is an illness with a tangible end. It can be conquered, ignored, or even mentally manipulated into a symbiotic partner, but words like ’stop’ do not apply.
I grew aware of my mental condition in my early teens and was diagnosed with bipolar at 18. My moods follow the weather very closely (SAD). No medication has ever placed me in a state that I would consider ‘better’ than my mental state without medication.
Marijuana remains the only medicine that can control the more dramatic seasonal shifts (winter to spring, fall to winter) without completely debilitating me. It is sad that medicinal marijuana research and lobbying is so focused on pain relief and cancer patients when the incredibly beneficial psychological effects for people with bipolar are ignored or (even worse) demonized.
— AlexI was first diagnosed with bipolar I disease after I had practiced for more than 2 years as a vascular surgeon. I had it all my life however and was always referred to as crazy, watch out for her. It was compounded by a family life that gave me PTSD and I also had anorexia. I only found out recently that my father had the illness too.My manias were terrible leading me into terrifying psychosis.I have had numerous hospitalizations for both bipolar I and anorexia over the past 10 years, erasing my life from the years from 38-48. It took so long to get some sort of grasp on the illness and to learn that I could have control over it as long as I changed my lifestyle. I have been on disability since I was diagnosed, each time I tried to work I became manic. I have accepted that I may never work again. I am grateful for my doctor, and every day I feel well.
— Dr. Elke LorensenWhat a wonderful article to see!
I just graduated from college and wrote about my experience going to college and living with bipolar, yesterday, here:
http://womenartmoney.blogspot.com/2008/07/living-with-bipolar-disorder-three.html
— Darryl RatcliffI was diagnosed at the age of 19. Lithium had just become available on the us market.I had a rough time in college with 2 hospital stays for depression. I those days it took upwards of 30 days for the available antidepressants to begin to work.I lost 2 semesters of school.I did graduate and went on to get a doctorate.I have benefited from every advance in psychopharmacology over the last 30 years.40 years ago I would have be placed in a state hospital.People who decry psychotrophic drugs have no idea of the number of lives that they have saved. Matt
— matthew dunaifSince my son at the age of 15 was diagnosed with bi-polar mood disorder,I have hands on experience for years. It has been a terrible life so far for us all,but much more for him.He has refused any medication, because deep inside doesn’t want the stigma of mental illness attached to him. I tried to tell him that it is like a diabetic who needs insulin to feel normal everyday.He is a beautiful man now inside and out,however has made poor judgments in the past that now haunt him.He has had a heroin addiction, and alcohol,since he was 15. he has overdosed so many times,I don’t know how he mad it at 29. He is now in jail awaiting sentencing for selling Vicodin to support his drug habit.I firmly believe if it weren’t for his bi-polar his life wouldn’t be such a tragic one.I understand our government is so short of funds. But I also understand that the majority of our jail and prison population are bi-polar.So what I’m getting at, is our government should be doing more to help these individuals,who could live a productive life,and just not another number in our system. If caught, educated and treated at an earlier stage,Instead of going through a lifetime of hell, as well as their families,people could have been living a full and productive life like some of my friend. Because we didn’t have insurance, we couldn’t get any help at all.Instead of being turned away everywhere we went,My son wouldn’t have gone as far backwards in life as he is today.Is it too late now for my Son?I don’t know the answer,but its not looking good.
— juliaAs someone who is struggling every day right now to keep her boyfriend upright, to convince him that “yes he can” for one more day, and quietly praying he won’t suddenly decide life isn’t worth it, I would suggest listening not only to those suffering from bi-polarism, but also to their siblings, parents, children, partners and friends. Loving someone who suffers from bi-polar disease is also in itself a “condition,” with its own pain, its own costs and its own daily battles. We “go through” the disease from the other side. And we also have voices.
— Anon.Thank you for sharing these poignant and elucidating stories. Carter Goodwin’s hits home (missing the manic highs) as does #3’s spot-on take on the frustrations of dealing with the self-pity. Bipolar runs in my family and is something I must contend with myself on a daily basis, and in the shadow of loss (my twin sister committed suicide). It’s a struggle with biochemical origins but very social consequences. Good luck to all who relate.
— beckyAs the daughter of someone suffering from diagnosed yet entirely untreated bipolar disorder, I can verify that Renaissance Blogger has hit the nail on the head regarding the potential for addiction to the lows and the resulting damage to relationships.
After 15 years of listening to my mother fault the people, the world, around her for her self-professed sorry existence, I am losing my ability to sympathize. But worse, after 15 years of listening to all the reasons in the which the world probably hates me too, the anger is starting to build.
It is impossible to “save her” and it is impossible to walk away. I am, quite simply, at a loss at what to do.
— E.N.I have had relationships with four individuals who were diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Two, who were friends eventually killed themselves. One I dated for a time and the other I was married to for a few years. It is a terrible condition that has implications far beyond the scope of my reply, but I just wanted those with this condition to know that excusing yourself just because you say you are crazy in no way gives you license to neglect treatment. The potential for destruction to others and yourself is far greater than you can imagine. In your sane moments you need to accept there will be insane times and plan accordingly and know that if you don’t you bear responsibility.
— James Burt PittmanMy mother is bipolar. I have dealt with her behavior since I was young. I am now 30. I finally told her she has to work on her mental health and things have got to change. Because of that, we no longer talk.
Watching after her for the past 20 years has been so difficult and exhausting. I just needed a break.
I find it odd having more time on my hands to worry about myself. I don’t need to worry about the next “disaster”.
— Mr.DesignerMy mom has bipolar and after years of going through the cycles of mania and depression, countless hospitalizations, what seems like hundreds of med changes… she tried to kill her self late last year. No one in my family took it seriously and neither did she (or does she). She made it though, for better or worse… and she’s my mom, for better or worse, and I love her. I can never change her - it’s taken me close to 30 years to figure that out. Phew!
— Jessica