Dr. T. Berry Brazelton has long been helping children and parents navigate the early years. Pediatrician Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and his “Touchpoints” book series have guided many mothers and fathers through their first days, months and years of parenting. Today Dr. Brazelton and his co-author Dr. Joshua Sparrow share their insights with Well readers, as part of The New York Times’s Well report on childhood health.
In today’s post, Dr. Brazelton and Dr. Sparrow answer readers’ questions about building a child’s self esteem and attitudes about discipline. Dr. Brazelton also responds to parents who expressed their gratitude for his books and advice over the years. Later this week, we’ll feature answers to readers’ questions about sleep, potty-training and nutrition.
I would like to hear your thoughts on how to raise a child to have a strong sense of self-esteem. – Tim S.
Dr. Brazelton and Dr. Sparrow respond: The word “self-esteem” has been so overused that its meaning has been lost and sometimes confused with “selfishness.” But these are entirely different. Thank you for your question and this opportunity to clear up the confusion.
Self-esteem does not refer to an inflated view of one’s self. Instead, it is the capacity to hold onto a basically hopeful view of one’s self while facing and integrating experiences that challenge this view. The development of healthy self-esteem in a child allows her to confront her mistakes without taking apart her positive feelings about herself, so that she can mobilize these positive feelings (confidence, faith in her potential, etc.) to find the courage to learn from and overcome her mistakes. The result is not a skewed view of one’s self, but a realistic one in which both strengths and weaknesses can be acknowledged and accepted.
How to help a young child develop healthy self-esteem? Here, too, there’s been a great deal of misunderstanding.
Overpraising a child (”Yay!” for every least little utterance or gesture) can interfere with a child’s learning to motivate herself, to praise herself when she deserves it, and to face her failures so that she can work to overcome them. I have seen five-year-olds in Kenya care competently for younger siblings without anybody cheering them on, yet radiating a quiet confidence in their own abilities. In some upper-middle-class communities in this country, I have seen some children who seem to lack the inner motivation to challenge themselves, and who have become dependent on external sources of praise — over which they have a different kind of control.
Abundant opportunities for small successes and an environment rich with developmentally calibrated challenges are important, but total protection from small failures deprives a child of the experience of facing mistakes, feeling the feelings that go with this, getting these feelings under control, and then developing the resolve to try again.
Perhaps most important of all for the development of healthy self-esteem in a child is a parent’s unconditional acceptance — entirely independent of performance — of a child not for what she does, but for who she is. Feeling loved no matter what does not fill us with illusions about how wonderful we are, but helps us to tolerate our imperfections. When we can do this, we are more likely to learn to live with the imperfections of others. This is why self-esteem is such an important first step in learning to get along with others.
What is your position on spanking and effective discipline. How to teach toddlers consideration and empathy? — Diane
Dr. Brazelton and Dr. Sparrow respond: Discipline is such a passionate concern for parents, and few childrearing practices stir up more heated debate than spanking. Why? Because our beliefs about discipline come from the most highly emotionally charged experiences of our own childhoods and from our visions of the world we must prepare our children for. Often deeply rooted in class, culture and religion, as well as personal experience, these beliefs deserve our best efforts to understand them.
Our belief is that spanking is not necessary, can be harmful, and certainly does not serve the purposes of discipline. Punishment that merely stops a problem behavior in the moment –- and any aversive stimulus applied to a misbehaving child can accomplish this -– does not teach the child, nor does it prepare him for the ultimate goal of discipline: self-discipline.
Discipline is not punishment but teaching. Punishments that do not teach will not help the child learn to control his behavior when parents are not present or once the child is too big to be physically dominated by parents. A child who has not been disciplined to learn self-control by the time he is old enough to be unsupervised by parents, or old enough to fight back at parents who spank, is a child in danger.
Many parents who were spanked as children tell us that they do not remember why they were spanked, or what they learned, but that they sure do remember being spanked, how it felt and how angry they were. Many remember feeling less trusting and accepting of their parents’ authority and wisdom when physical force was used against them.
Some parents, though, say, “Look at me. I was spanked as a child, and I turned out okay.” To them, we ask, “Did you turn out okay because you were spanked, or in spite of it?”
For more on discipline, including effective strategies that do not employ spanking or physical punishment, see our short book, “Discipline: The Brazelton Way,” published by Da Capo Press in 2003.
I am writing to appreciate you for being such a fine pediatrician who cares as much about the parents as you do about our children…. I felt you were like a friendly grandfatherly type of doctor sitting by my side as I faced each developmental phase. I’ve always felt my daughter is my teacher, and with your guidance, I learned to listen and observe her better so I could support her to develop her potential. — Barbara Chan
Dr. Brazelton responds: It is good to hear that I was able to get across to you what I truly believe, that parents need support at least as much as they need advice, and that their best teachers are not the “experts” but their children, if only parents can really watch and listen, as you have been able to.
Join us tomorrow on the Well blog for more insights from Dr. Brazelton and Dr. Sparrow.
The doctors ask us to remind readers that their responses are not intended to constitute or to substitute for medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child’s health or well-being, please consult your child’s health care provider.
Although the Well blog is no longer taking questions for Dr. Brazelton, you can contact Dr. Brazelton and his colleague Dr. Sparrow care of The New York Times Syndicate, 500 Seventh Ave., 8th Floor, New York, N.Y. 10018. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn-families@nytimes.com.
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From 1 to 25 of 41 Comments
The concept of self-esteem is the creation of the popular psychology movement of the past 60 years. There is no one set of feelings about who a person (or a child) is within that person. We feel differently about our selves in different environments and with the different people in those environments.
What Dr. Brazelton is referring to as ’self-esteem’ would more properly be called a sense of self. If the predominant sense of self is a bad, or negative one, the person is considered to have low self-esteem by pop psychologists.
The sense of self develops out of the set of interactions between the infant/child and his or her primary set of caretakers, regardless of whether these caretakers are biologically related to the child or not. A biological relationship intensifies the interactions between the infant and its caretakers.
These interactions are so subtle and complex that influencing the final outcome consciously by what the caretakers say and do with the child is quite small, almost negligible. The instinctual and unconscious factors play a much more significant role in developing the child’s sense of self than the conscious, overt actions by the caretakers.
If there is an instinctual, unconscious sense of rejection, antipathy, or despair on the part of the primary caretaker towards the child, or vice versa, an entire portion of the child’s sense of self is devoted to identifying, figuring out, sorting out, and dealing with these feelings, as well as the sense of emotional dissonance that the child perceives to exist between itself and its primary caregivers. If such negative feelings within the child outweigh the positve set of feelings concerning the primary caretakers, the over-arching sense of self will be negative in orientation.
The notion that we can talk and act our way out of who we are, and how we interact with the children in our care is a modern construct without any basis in reality. The very people who ask about raising a child to have good self-esteem are the ones who sense that all is not right within their own world and who worry that their children will develop a similar set of feelings about who they are. These parents are correct that their own negativities and fears will find a toehold within their children. How could it be otherwise?
— Rob L, N Myrtle Beach SCMy parents spanked us all of the time (I’m 31, my brother is 25) and, indeed, I can’t remember what we did, only that we were spanked.
After a lot of therapy (which, granted, not everyone needs!) I realized that I don’t actually think my parents love me. I don’t love them. Their interest and concern for me was always rooted in my achievements. It’s hard to love someone when you think they’ll disown you for failing a math test.
Parents, take heed of this example. And, Dr Brazleton, I’m sorry to say that I won’t be buying your books…because I won’t be having children.
— CharlotteThanks to Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow on explaining “self-esteem” in a simple yet meaningful way. I’d argue that the narcissism and selfishness seen at times in contemporary American culture is more a function of LESS self-esteem (by Dr. Brazelton’s definition) rather than an overabundance. When people have little sense of self worth, or are not at peace with who they are, it becomes easy to try to put down others or appear grand and commanding, if only to fool oneself of one’s self-importance. I’d also like to highlight how much the idea of positive reinforcement (which does not mean endless praise) actually works in adults, too. If my wife tries to “punish” me, (fellas, you know what I mean), it just makes me more angry and apt to dig my heels into the mud even more. If she drops a nice comment about something I do, I’m all hers. Transparent, yes. Effective? Well, yes.
— GregLiving here in the Sunny South, most of my family, friends, and associates were spanked as children. But despite Dr. Brazleton’s claims, I have never heard one person say that he/she resented a parent because of spankings.
Those I’ve heard speak of spankings are thankful for the discipline that they received and the respect for authority that they gained. And believe it or not, they even remember why they were spanked.
I understand the fear of abuse, but stating inaccuracies does not make them so. The Super Nanny seems to do okay without them, but most two-year-olds I’ve seen need a punishment that is a bit more of a deterrent than a “naughty chair.”
I know there are others out there who have not lost all common sense and will agree with me.
— robGreg, I’m not a fella, but I think I know what you mean. Never was very successful at employing that method, as I always felt I was punishing myself…
But has it occurred to you that the very fact that she has to manipulate you like this means you are behaving like she was your mother? Come on, you are two adult people, you can assume your respective duties without being sweet-talked or blackmailed into it.
— SusannaI am for spanking, because I was *correctly* spanked.
One time at 8 years old i threw things and screamed like the bi-polar kids in the other NYT article. my dad spanked me. I cried a bit, was ignored, and never did it again. I learned my lesson that throwing things does not get me a hug or attention like it gets the kids on the Cosby show and such, and that throwing things is NOT acceptable behavior.
the only down-side, if there IS a down-side, is that now i do not tolerate throwing things from anyone. if a boyfriend threw a lamp across the room, i would be filled with rage and dump him and never see him again. i learned that throwing things is NOT an acceptable behavior, and i do not accept it from anyone right now. Perhaps i can be kinder to people who throw things, but at least i’ll never date a violent abuser!
Now, i’ve never SEEN anyone spank their kids correctly. they spank randomly and only when THEY are angry. it is wrong to spank a kid to express one’s own anger. spanking shoule be independant of how the parent feels.
i’ve never seen a direct correlation like “if you hit your sister, i will spank you”. it’s always a “i’m sick of you, so i will spank you”.
Of COURSE most people don’t remember what they did to get spanked. they didn’t really DO anything.
I would never spank a kid except as a last resort, after everything else i thought of failed. and ONLY consistantly for direct behavior that the kid knows about before-hand. and only for extreeme problems, such as throwing things. or hitting other kids.
yeah. spanking is bad. but a combination of Adderall, Lithium, and Zoloft is better, is it?
did you read the bi-polar article in the NYT? the parents only whine and cry and speak nicely when their own kids tell them to shut up!
they never set the message to the kid that their behavior is in-tolerable or why. they never do anything to make the kids stop!
Ok, if nothign works, including consistant (and NOT angry) spanking, then i understand using drugs. but it seems to me today that the anti-spanking crowd may have connections to big pharma — or at least have been brainwashed by them.
FROM TPP — All of the available evidence about spanking, of any kind, is that it doesn’t work.
— Sue D’neemTara,
your statement, “All of the available evidence about spanking, of any kind, is that it doesn’t work,” is not grounded in the evidence. the following excerpt is from a recent meta-analysis on the issue by Larzelere & Kuhn (2005):
“The results of this meta-analysis indicate that
the detrimental child outcomes previously associated
with physical punishment are not unique to physical
punishment itself, except when it is used severely or
predominantly. In fact, conditional spanking was associated with significantly less defiance or antisocial
behavior than 10 of 13 alternative disciplinary tactics.” p. 33
Larzelere, R. E. & Kuhn, B. R. Comparing Child Outcomes of Physical Punishment and Alternative Disciplinary Tactics: A Meta-Analysis. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, Vol. 8, No. 1, March 2005.
— mtI like his reframing of self-esteem as a sense of self based in “I am a worthwhile and loved person” instead of “I have the capacity to earn my parents’ love.”
However, I do disagree with him on spanking. I know exactly why I was spanked. For trying to touch the stove. For running towards the street. For picking up the butcher knife my mother told me not to touch.
My parents used spanking as a ‘lesser pain to prevent greater pain.” If I was on a disobedient path that would cause me physical harm or pain and I ignored my parents’ warnings to stop, I was spanked as a point of discipline. It was a few seconds of mild pain (because I wasn’t spanked *hard*, mind you) as a lesson to say, “Don’t do that. It hurts.”
Insubordination, general misbehaviour, noisiness, being rude to my sister, these weren’t spanking offenses because they wouldn’t bring me direct injury. They were usually, “Go to your room, stay there, and don’t come out until you can tell me what you think you did wrong, why it was wrong, and what you think should be done about it,” offenses.
I think I turned out pretty OK, and that my parents’ approach to discipline had a lot to do with it. I learned the difference between “That’s a bad thing to do,” and “That’s a dangerous thing to do,” so that later when my parents started talking to me about drugs and alcohol it wasn’t just “Behave yourself and don’t do that,” it was “Believe me when I tell you that irresponsible drinking is dangerous and it will hurt you.” The difference between “that makes Mom mad,” and “that could hurt me,” affected how I made a lot of my decisions.
But I’ve never met anyone else whose parents approached spanking as a ‘non-harmful pain instead of harmful pain’ substitute. Most people seem to use it when *they* are angry at their kids, or as a moral lesson, and I think that use is a lot less effective than how my parents did it.
— RowanSue, not sure how spanking a child is going to show him that hitting someone is wrong.
— kimOne problem with spanking, and I’ll try to treat this subject sensitively, is its inherently sexual nature. I grew up in the “sunny South,” as one reader proudly terms the region, which means I grew up surrounded by people obsessed with corporal punishment–threatening the “switch” from a tree or “the belt.” At school, At school, teachers prominently displayed paddles on the wall or on the tops of their desks. The displays were not just symbolic either, since paddlings were extremely common. I lived in constant fear of being asked to “bend over” or “assume the position” or getting my “butt warmed.” I remember the flirtation that occurred between junior high age kids and teachers. Sometimes this flirtation occurred in elementary school, also. Which sex(es) was/were involved was unimportant–the flirtation was ubiquitous and disturbing. Kids misbehaved on purpose to get the personal attention of a paddling. And the teachers enjoyed the threats, the jokes, watching the kids squirm. The kids jokingly exaggerated their fear and their pain as part of the erotic ritual. It grossed me out–especially the birthday spankings, when the teasing and acting out became even more pronounced. So all of you good, moral folks from the “sunny South” might want to reflect on how you are overstimulating your kids sexually.
— annaAssuming that what worked for you is going to work for a totally different person is way too black and white. Especially when you start adding in physical and mental challenges that require medical intervention.
Understanding the cause of the behavior and knowing which strategy to employ for maximum benefit is the true skill in parenting and it may take an entire tool box of tools and team of experts to get there. Nothing wrong with that - we are complex beings and a quick fix isn’t always available. The general public, parents or not, can help by being supportive and funding more research so we can learn what tools really work (and which ones don’t).
— dshI have always thought that there would be less misunderstanding if, instead of “self esteem” we said “self acceptance”. I have struggled with low self acceptance for much of my life. For me, self acceptance just means that I can accept that, in general, I’m doing okay and that I don’t need to worry obsessively about myself. I’m happy to say that I’ve made it a long way towards leaving behind those worries. This means that I can actually care about somebody else once in a while! :-)
— PinsyI can attest that a severe beating just before my 10th birthday destroyed my sense of self. My angry grief stricken mother took out her anger over my father’s sudden death on my back.
At my tenth birthday about 2 weeks later, I sat through the ‘party’ and cut my large birthday cake and gave out all the pieces. I saved none for myself and no one even noticed. It’s taken me years to build up my sense of self.
Parents! do not hit or spank your children because one day, you will have a bad day and you might lose control.
— MarilynI must be that first generations of moms who relied on Dr. Brazelton to guide them as a parent. My children are in their 20s and survived not being spanked. I had great fun being their mom and I hope they had as much fun growing up. It was hard work at times but I’d do it all again-every single day.
— gbSubstitute the word “hit” when ever anyone (like the above posters) says “spank” and decide in your own heart if the meaning changes. Spanking is hitting. There is no argument around that, it is a simple fact. You aren’t spanking unless you are hitting a child.
FROM TPP — I agree. I can’t imagine ever hitting a child for any reason.
— KBI disagree with spanking. Many of my close friends growing up were beaten or whipped for just about anything in the working-class neighborhood I grew up in. I saw the consequences - hard-core drug addiction, low self-esteem, etc. I think spanking is just a lesser version of that. Before anyone spanks their child or practices the cry it out method I would recommend they read “I’m OK,You’re OK” by Thomas Harris and consider his thoughts on how children can change from positive to negative existential positions based on how their parents treat them.
I agree with Eric Berne:
We are all born Princes and the civilizing process turns us into frogs.
— TomI was spanked as a child - severely, too. But I am fine now after years of anguish and therapy. My parent kept saying three things.
1. He loved me that’s why he spanked me.
2. It was the lesser pain.
3. It hurt him more than it hurt me.
Whoaaa. For the first, that’s a fine way to teach someone that to love is to hurt them. What if I came up to my parent right now if he made a mistake in the bill-paying and slapped him? Perhaps that would remind him not to do it again. Perhaps if I made a mistake and my husband didn’t hit me, it means he doesn’t love me. Do you hit your friends when they make mistakes because you love them? Or do you hit only those who can’t fight back. I think I know the answer.
And second, spanking was the lesser pain? Than what, playing with matches maybe or touching the stove? Well someone should have watched me when I was two, when I was too young to know that a thermos had hot water. Coz I was burned in the arm, you know. No amount of spanking could have made me understand that that was a bad plaything at two years of age.
It’s true, though. Spanking was the lesser pain. The greater pain was that the parent who you thought was going to protect you was the one inflicting pain, was the one you were afraid of. The pain was in not being able to trust the ones who were supposed to protect you.
And lastly - no. I didn’t believe that spanking hurt my parent more than it hurt me. Hello, I was spanked with a belt or a clothes hanger. Physically, the child was hurt more. And emotionally? The child was traumatized and the parent was able to release his anger. No. It hurt me more. OK? Stop lying about it.
I have so much to thank my parent for. He fed me, clothed me, sent me to school. His example is what taught me discipline and hard work. It was NOT the corporal punishment. I could only do what I saw being done.
— no nameYou can’t compare spanking a child with hitting an adult because the entire reason for spanking is because the child is not old enough to understand adult logic. There are many things people do to children that would offensive and unacceptable if done to an adult: you tell them what to do, you dictate when they go to bed and what they eat, you may even put them on a leash if you go to Disney Land and don’t want to lose them. No adult would accept any of those things. Kids and adults are different.
You don’t spank a child to teach them a life lesson, you spank them to instill a Pavlovian, subconscious association between X (certain behavior) and Y (unpleasant scary experience). It isn’t intended to convey a message, it’s intended to create a subconscious relationship that will create avoidance behavior. And the reason it’s wrong to spank an older child or an adult is because once a person is old enough to understand logic and cause and effect, you can simply use words.
As an example, I have often watched mother cats swat their kittens on the nose when the kitten does something the mother cat doesn’t like. When I got my own kitten and, in her playfulness, she once bit my face, I bopped her on the nose with a finger and growled. She clearly didn’t like it and ran away. An hour later we were friends again and although she often snuggles or sleeps near my neck and face, she has never bit me again. I know the retort: children are not cats. Yes, I know. But frankly, a two year child is not much smarter than a cat (if at all), and the same Pavlovian conditioning principles apply.
It should not be necessary to state that there is a huge difference between an unpleasant experience meted out to a child under the age of 4 (i.e. a swat on the bum) and being beaten. I was spanked once when I was 4 and I remember it quite clearly: I was caught with a playmate lighting matches in the bathroom. Clearly terrifying behavior from a toddler. I was hit a few times on the butt. It really didn’t hurt, it just scared me, and it was no big deal. I certainly never went near matches again. In contrast, my cousins from South Carolina were regularly hit with a belt by their father for any small infraction when they triggered his temper, and the one time I saw him do it, I was TERRIFIED. I couldn’t BELIEVE what I was seeing. It was not at all the same as being turned over the knee as a toddler and swatted on the butt while being told “NO!!”
Of course, I have no dog in this fight because I have no children, so don’t worry, I won’t be giving any spankings. It seems to me, however, that children in virtually every society on earth up until 30 years ago were spanked, and those kids were just fine. Every single one of my black friends was spanked by his or her mother and every single one has a close, loving relationship. I’m not quite sure why anyone would need years of therapy over something so silly. Have we really become so frail and delicate? (Again, unnecessary caveat: being beaten isn’t the same).
— kryptogalI am super creeped out by the posters who think it’s a good idea to hit a child. Newsflash: spanking IS hitting.
— KTI have a terrible struggle with my the way my brother and his wife are raising their 3 kids. I wish it could be none of my business, but when people are hitting children I love, it is my business. My problem is that I have tried to talk to them calmly and with love, I have received counseling about the trauma of dealing with them hitting their children, I have given them books, given them support—such as babysitting, and, basically, begged them to stop the hitting and the anger and lack of control. Even though CPS has been called to their house by school officials because of marks on their children, NOTHING has changed about their willingness to fly into a screaming, hitting rage on their children.
I’m posting today to say only this: does anyone know anything that anyone can do in this situation? We’ve already been through custody battles. The courts do not care.
— KVSFROM TPP — This is terrible. If CPS has been involved and done nothing, I’m not sure what the solution is. Perhaps readers will have advice.
To my previous comments, I’d also like to add that the thing one always seems to find missing in the spanking home is an appropriate fear of making a mistake. Spanking parents are just so sure they’re right all the time. Nonspanking parents seem to have a greater reverence for the value of thinking things true. Sorry if this seems overgeneralized, but the non-spank and even the special-circumstances spanking parents I know seem to wonder how best to raise their children. All the spanking parents are just so sure they KNOW.
— KVS#20 KVS, I assume you have been writing down every incident, date, time, descripton in a log. I’m afraid all I can offer is empathy. I pray for the day when children can file for divorce from their abusive parents, complete with support payments, much the way adults get alimony and settlements from their divorced spouses.
WHy should children be deprived and disconnected from their heritage simply because their parents are incompetent?
You’ve given me a different perspective on how my aunt must have felt watching my parents raise my brothers and me. Hot-tempered mother, passive father. I always thought she was overly intrusive and abusive herself. And she was, but now I have an idea of what she could have been thinking, No matter her own misguided behavior.
Thank you for your post.
— LaSharonHow ’bout we just agree that hitting anyone is simply ‘not nice’ and we can hardly expect our children to be nice, or others to be nice to them, if we accept such poor behavior in ourselves.
— KristinWe are celebrating our child’s third birthday this week. I can confirm that, like all two-year-olds, she has needed plenty of discipline. However, my husband and I have found plenty of very effective ways to teach her how we would like her to behave without hitting her. I think a lot of parents hit their children because it stops the problem behavior for the moment. and doesn’t require them to think about what might be a truly effective (and humane) way to deal with the problem at hand.
— HoolsI guess for me the spank/dont spank issue is where the devil is in the details. I got swatted a very few times growing up, a slap usually on the butt, just once on the face, but carefully measured not to damage me but really to get my attention. (Like the swat of a mother cat on her kitten, or the nip a mother dog gives her puppy.) And it worked, surely because it was so rare that it did get through to me that I was behaving unacceptably and better start paying attention. No belts, no hair brushes, no paddles, no coat hangers, an open hand and very carefully gauged.
And I passed it on. When my kids were small enough that I could pick ‘em up, I’d just do that and haul ‘em off to a neutral corner and let it work off. But as they got older, and not so easy to haul around, first the voice, and if it didn’t work, the swat. I don’t remember doing it more than two or three times in the course of their childhood with each of them — I do know I certainly didn’t enjoy it — but I did want to get their attention.
I guess where I’m at — sometimes it takes a swat or a poke to get a youngster’s attention — but switching/ spanking/hitting. I agree is not right
Larry L
— Larry Lodico