Can kids have too much confidence? (Ruby Washington/The New York Times)An excess of praise may be doing kids more harm than good.
A cover story in this month’s Scholastic Instructor magazine asks whether kids today are “overpraised.” The concern is that by focusing on self-esteem and confidence building, parents and teachers may be giving real goals and achievement short shrift. The article cites a recent study in which eighth graders in Korea and the United States were asked whether they were good at math. Among the American students, 39 percent said they were excellent at math, compared to just 6 percent of the Korean eighth graders. But the reality was somewhat different. The Korean kids scored far better in math than the over-confident American students.
The notion that you can praise a kid too much is heresy to parents and teachers who have long believed that building self-esteem should be the cornerstone of education. If kids believe in themselves, the thinking goes, achievement will naturally follow. But confidence doesn’t always produce better students. Scholastic cites a 2006 report on education from the Brookings Institution’s Brown Center that found that countries in which families and schools emphasize self-esteem for students lag behind cultures where self-esteem isn’t a major focus.
The problem with this “rah-rah mentality,” as the magazine describes it, is that it can take away the sense of satisfaction that comes from genuine achievement. “Self-esteem is based on real accomplishments,” Robert Brooks, faculty psychologist at Harvard Medical School, told the magazine. “It’s all about letting kids shine in a realistic way.”
The downside of too much praise is that kids may start to focus on the reward rather than what they are learning. Worse, failure can be devastating and confusing for a student whose confidence is based on an inflated ego, rather than his or her actual abilities, the magazine notes. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t praise our kids or that teachers shouldn’t try to engender self-confidence. But self-esteem should be the result of good grades and achievement, not false accomplishments.
Last month, Cognitive Daily reported that parents and teachers should be specific rather than general when they dispense praise. An example of general praise is telling a child, “You’re smart.” Specific praise would be to say, “You did a good job reading,” or “You did great on your math test.” Kids who receive general praise about their abilities are more likely to exhibit “helpless” behavior when they encounter problems with learning, compared with kids who receive specific praise about their achievement on a task. The reason: a child who knows she’s a smart girl feels defeated if she has trouble reading a sentence. But a child who has been told she is a good reader is more likely to have confidence in that specific ability and work a little harder to tackle a more difficult book.
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Even when I was young (I’m in my 50s) the trend of praising kids just for existing was setting down taproots. (It’s considered heresy to slam Mister Rogers, but he was one of the great proponents of it.) Kids are smarter than you think, and I for one could always tell when I was getting undeserved praise on the principle that, as Lewis Carroll put it: “Everybody has won, and all must have prizes!”
I wonder if part of the issue with the Korean kids is that they are allowed to fail, with the expectation that trying and failing is how you learn. American parenting nowadays, at least in this upwardly mobile tristate area, is high-pressure, and American parents are so over-invested in their children and so micromanaging.
— ACWI am a concerned parent of school-aged children where the over emphasis on praise/accolades for behavior and accomplishments trumps what should be just normal expected behavior. Good grades and good behavior do not need to be universally praised/celebrated each school quarter. As for Korean students being the model- yes the humility factor is strong but the psychological fallout for those who do not make the grade is definitely overlooked. There has to be a happier medium than these two extremes of what not to do.
— MLFPraise, excessive or otherwise, is no substitute for paying sufficient attention to children. Today’s childhood obesity epidemic is sure sign of widespread low self esteem.
Much be particularly emotionally tough for our mostly overweight adolescent girls.
The sooner we straighten out our insane borrow and spend economic policies, and end taking on repeated financially ruinous unsuccessful wars, the sooner we’ll restore stable, affordable family life so our children will be properly cared for.
— MARK KLEIN, M.D.Good article. Most parents have been too easy going. There’s been an increasing number of children who grow up not having any discipline or good role models. Most of the pop icons should not remotely be considers role models. Parents, while ‘overworked’, should still take part in their children’s lives. Schools, governments and other institutions are no substitute for good parenting. Yes, there is a lot of junk and bad influence in the media. However, as parents, they should be moderating what their children are exposed to and explain right from wrong.
— Good articleThe real problem in US schools is the insane system of funding public education via property taxes which works great in only rich districts.
— massimoThe name of this column, as it’s typeset, puts me in mind of Jack Benny’s response to the blindingly obvious.
Which, in the case of today’s topic, is particularly apt.
— RochesterGood topic. I’m aware of this issue and struggle a little w/ it when I work with my 20 month old. Maybe he’s a little young to worry about this, but I do wonder how to achieve the right balance between helping him establish an intact sense of self-esteem and making sure he also feels an internal push to challenge himself and do better.
I’m not interested in pushing him into achievement programs for pre-schoolers, or getting involved in the rat race of ‘the right kindergarten.. the right college, etc..’, like I see other parents doing. I am interested in making sure he feels nurtured and loved (and I think he does), and in helping him find hobbies and activities that challenge him and help him develop different skill sets. Of course, I want him to excel in school, but I think that the key there is actual achievement, not pandering to esteem. (I.e. a push and a couple of well-placed “you can do better than that” nudges are appropriate, coupled with specific positive feedback.)
By the way, I wonder why schools feel the need to help children establish positive self-esteem; I think the responsibility for that lies squarely with parents. I know that parents are not always doing this successfully, and so I’m grateful for other adults being interested in a child’s welfare, but parents need to do their job so that schools can pay attention to the core mission of teaching.
— asTara’s post raises the right questions. Kids are being praised too much, and it’s leading to all kinds of problems. In the DC area, there is an excellent non-profit parenting education program called The Parent Encouragement Program (PEP), which educates parents on how to encourage their children rather than praise them. It is based on Adlerian psych and uses Rudolf Dreikurs’ classic text “Children: The Challenge” as its core text. Check it out.
— Lynn from Organicmania.comYES! Too much praise. I see it all the time. While I am not a parent, I am a volunteer tutor at the local elementary school. We are not allowed to tell the kids they are “wrong”. We are supposed to say there is a “better answer”. That’s bunk if you ask me.
This “self esteem” boosting, which has been going on for years, is now creeping into adult life. For example, for years, I have been an avid runner and have participated in many races. Recently, the race organizers have started awarding medals to all finishers, which, IMHO, takes away the sense of accomplishment for the runners who have actually placed in the top 3.
Also, the younger generation at work seems to want the responsibility and all that comes with it (title, bonus, high salary) just for showing up! And try telling these young kids that they’re wrong.
— SharonWe actually had a local school system consider NOT recognizing a valedictorian at graduation, for fear of damaging the self-esteem of the rest of the class by singling one student out. Come on, people! I guess, by that reasoning, the Red Sox and (whoever else was playing - I’m not a sports fan) should both have gotten trophies, just for showing up and putting forth their best effort. Gag me.
— agI love myself unconditionally… I love myself unconditionally… I love myself unconditionally…
— Mark ForstnegerI think that it’s a fair comment I’m sure everyone wants to be praised, especially kids. It definitely helps to boost their self-esteem and gives them the confidence to face challenges as they get older. You guys should check out the articles written by Dr. T. Berry Brazelton on the New York Times syndicate site. Dr. T. Berry Brazelton is a very credited professional in this area. Here is the site: nytsyn.com
Good Luck!
— EllenWhile this trend is personally aggravating, especially for my peers impressed with the value of humility since childhood, I cannot help but accede that the products of this feel-good, you’re a star-behavior, have an edge when they enter the highly competitive job market. I have stood by and seen friend after friend, each more highly intelligent, qualified, and dedicated than the rest, lose job after job to classmates, acquaintances, and ex-co-workers who were far less qualified than they are, but simply better orators and proponents of their perceived skill sets. Our society rewards the big talkers, the confident swagger of a man or woman who think they are 9 feet tall. Those, sadly, are the ones who push above the pack in the field of finance, investment, sales, and real estate.
— j.a.g.In the public school setting in Florida, teachers will actually be marked negatively on an evaluation for giving general praise to students. The ideal is to give academic praise which stresses the correct answer (when a child has answered a question appropriately), but also praises/affirms the process of thought for the benefit of the entire classroom.
— JayI agree with most of the comments…too much praise in general–focusing on the ego, rather than the process of thought and education.
This is definitely an interesting topic to think about. While I’m all for limiting praise to situations in which it’s earned, though, I do wonder if it’s fair to say that too much praise actually causes inferior performance, as the study of Korean and American students seems to imply. It seems to me that we could see the same results if the Korean math curriculum was more demanding than the American one, regardless of praise. In that case, maybe we should focus on creating a curriculum that’s more appropriately challenging rather than revamping our classroom attitudes.
I also want to reply to Sharon (#9). As a new member of the workforce myself, and an employee in a department staffed mostly by people in their 20s and early 30s, I have to stick up for us young folks. At my company, the expectation is that everyone gives the job their all, and I’ve found that some of the youngest members of the staff are the ones who have the most energy and drive to go beyond the basic requirements of the job in order to help the team succeed. It’s unfortunate that you’ve had a bad experience, but it’s hardly fair to claim that it was caused by an epidemic attitude problem among the working youth.
— JoannaWhen I came to the US (from Korea) as a fourth grader, I was given some long divisions to do during class. I went through about twenty or so long divisions and then sat in my chair bored, while the other students struggled to finish one and the teacher looked at me wide-eyed. I only considered myself ok at math at that time. It wasn’t because I wasn’t given praise by my teachers or parents in Korea, it was simply because my peers (back in Korea) were also good and some were better, which gave me humility in how I saw myself. It’s all relative. In my experience, being praised but constantly told I can do better, gave me modesty, knowing that I have room for improvement. It doesn’t hurt my ego, just gives ammunition to strive to do better. Nothing wrong with general praise, I think it’s important to keep it real, give specific examples for improvement as well.
— JeannieAre we praising kids too much? Maybe.
But what’s worse, in my opinion, is telling kids they’re stupid if they don’t understand something right away, or if they take longer to learn how to read or write. The emotional abuse my husband received at the hands of his teachers back in the 1970’s made him give up on school. His rationale: “If I’m stupid, why should I even try?”
Only years later have we discovered that he’s a visual-spacial learner, and quite brilliant. Our son is the same way - a genius with reading problems. Today our son is in a gifted enrichment program at his school. Back in the 70’s, he would have been tossed into the remedial room with ‘the dumb kids.’
Let’s not turn back to the days of abusing kids just because they don’t all learn the same way. Each child deserves praise for the things they can learn and do.
— LisaCarol Dweck is a leading researcher in the field of appreciative intelligence which shows us that specific praise not only yields replicable results (Your study approach was very effective–Good job) but also helps kids become smarter. Read her book Mindset for more on this topic.
— SherriI teach at a college-level institution where we have recently seen this “constant praise” affecting our students. We hold our students responsible for the work they do, and if they do a bad job, we tell them so, and they fail. (Our students are all 17 and older.) Even the so-called “adults” cannot handle being told that they need to improve on something, because never in their lives have they been told that. They come from a generation where everyone wins, everyone gets an ice cream, etc. A lot of schools in our state actually never use the word “fail”….only the term “deferred success.” I know someone who’s son got all F’s in his freshman year of high school and was passed on to be a sophomore anyway. (No child left behind??)
I actually heard a story on NPR a few months ago about college graduates who go to work for big companies and expect praise every day or every week for what they do. A lady that worked at the company (who happened to be in her 50’s) said something like “I don’t need an award. My paycheck is my praise. It’s a job. They call it ‘work’ for a reason.”
When did our children start being taught that there is no such thing as failure, and they should be praised for absolutely everything that they do? If schools continue to teach this way, I am not looking forward to dealing with this society in another 10 years or so.
— BethI arrived in this country, from France, three years ago with my two children, then aged 7 and 9. I was delighted with the positive feedback that they inmediately started getting from teachers, that contributed in no small measure to their quick assimilation of English.
But I always wonder at what point this “Good job!” dogma becomes “Kill all the others in the rat race” in what I see as the quintessential Darwinian society.
I am wondering whether to take my kids back to Europe before that point. So, if anyone knows when it takes place, please let me know.
— VirginiaIt’s critical to have a balance, and it definitely seems that the balance has shifted towards excessive praising. Being praised for things you truly do well becomes lackluster if you are consistently praised for things you do moderately well.
— jennAs a side comment about the korean culture. I’m korean and attended school there. Schools in Korea are about 1-2 years more advanced than U.S. schools(particularly in math). Failure is not accepted by any means. During my childhood, I often was told: “why didn’t you get an A+?” when I had gotten only an “A” . =For those of us who are 1st generation koreans, it’s a no brainer that only 6% of korean kids said they were excellent at math.
I wonder if this study took into consideration the differences in the 8th grade math levels.
Teaching at the college level (as a teaching assistant), my perception is that this sham encouragement biases students away from the hard sciences. The idea that students are given during their earlier education, that “there are no wrong answers” means they are shocked when their carefully worded - but completely wrong - answers are marked wrong.
When a bridge collapses or a space shuttle cracks apart - these are wrong answers. Kids are better off knowing that some answers just aren’t right.
— ETFWe’re conditioning kids to be complete failures in the real world, from the false praise they receive in the classroom, to dumbed-down curriculum, to the “everyone wins” notion in youth sports. In life, there are winners and losers. Kids should learn to expect it and perhaps, how to deal with it.
Matt B
— Matt BFort Myers, FL
I believe that, of course, it is necessary to recognize a child’s achievement and give him/her praise for that achievement but when you go overboard is where the trouble originates. I’ve always gotten excess praise from my teachers and my parents when I was young, then when I got older I realized that good grades and good behavior were expected of me and I was no longer praised. I had to find a motive to “keep up the good work” because ever since I could remember, I would always make the grades because that’s what my parents wanted from me. I think we need to encourage children to praise themselves and treat themselves for achievements to encourage independence.
Crystal M, 17
— CrystalOcala, Florida
The distinction between “general” and “specific” praise is a bit misleading. The difference between “You’re smart” and “You did that job well” is that the first one focuses on the person, which one can’t control, whereas the second focuses on the action or behavior, which one can. A student who is directed toward actions or behavior can choose to work harder and do better. A bad job is a lack of effort, not a personal inadequacy. If the student feels it is only about who they are rather than what they can do, they will give up in the face of difficulty because they will feel the bad result is a reflection of their ability.
As a college teacher, I see the negative effects of excessive praise in many of my students. They don’t have a sense of their strengths (even if they are sometimes big talkers), which they can only really develop by testing themselves; they can’t tolerate discomfort and give up easily when the task becomes difficult. True self-esteem comes from testing one’s limits and overcoming obstacles, not from feeling good all the time. The “self-esteem movement” is one of the biggest mistakes we have made in modern education.
— Annette