What is the real value of a gift? (Reuters/Alessandro Bianchi)It’s that time of year when friends and family take part in that annual holiday ritual — debating the merits of the gift exchange.
After my recent blog post about holiday shopping, I was surprised how many readers wrote of their disdain for gift giving.
“I’ve been boycotting X/Cess (my nickname for Christmas) for several years now. I do not give gifts, I politely tell people not to give me Any More Stuff, and I do not decorate.” — Posted by Lorie.
“My husband and I do not exchange gifts, and it has been hard trying to convince our families not to give us gifts either….We are thinking of trying for children soon, and do not want our children to receive all the latest gadgets from their grandparents and six aunts and uncles twice a year. We don’t like the spirit of materialism it represents.” — Posted by Ellen.
Their comments inspired me to learn more about the psychology of gift giving. In my Well column in Science Times this week, I wrote about what social psychologists and other scientists say about the intangible value of gifts. While it’s reasonable to cut back on spending during the holidays, psychologists say that banning the gift exchange entirely is not the best solution. People who stop giving gifts may be missing out on an important connection with family and friends.
My former Wall Street Journal colleague Jeff Opdyke and his wife Amy recently argued about the value of giving presents to adult friends and family. In a video segment called Love & Money, Jeff says he believes many of the gifts they give and receive during the holidays are a waste of money. Amy thinks giving represents far more than the material value of a gift. Their banter is amusing, but it underscores a serious point that affects so many families. What is the real value of a gift? To watch their argument, click here.
My friends Grace, Jen and Heidi have come up with an alternative — a fierce holiday competition to create the perfect homemade gift. Past entries have included Heidi’s homemade sweet potato pie kits, complete with frozen filling and directions. Jen created a “box of love” that contained personal declarations about their friendship. Grace has created a music video celebrating a problem-plagued bathroom renovation and this year is planning a homemade pop-up book featuring Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre for Jen, a die-hard Packers fan.
What do you think? How do you handle the stress of the holiday gift exchange? Have you banned gift giving altogether or have you come up with another solution to cope with the commercialism of the holidays?
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I have been doing ‘alternative’ gift giving for a number of years. My brother’s family with 5 children ‘receives’ a gift of a donation equal to the purchase of a sheep or a goat from Heifer International. I do also give the kids small gifts (this year a pair of wild socks for each)and bake cookies, but they have plenty of stuff. The kids are surprisingly pleased to be helping a poor family. Giving to charity in honor of friends and family is an excellent way to cut consumerism and the focus on getting.
— Anne-Marie HislopEvery year my friends and I do a Secret Santa where we pick names out of a hat on Thankgiving and get a personal gift for under ten dollars. It is a challenge and a laugh, and everyone is satisfied (and not broke). The real fun is not knowing who picked your name or what you’re getting. It’s wonderful to be surprised.
Do Grace and Jen read your column?
— IggyTPP responds: Grace does and we are hoping that Jen doesn’t, or at least not to the end!!
I’m a proud Grinch! Material gifts can be an altruistic endeavor but it can also be like purchasing penance. Some people just don’t give anything they can’t first buy.
— Alan MeltzerThose I love don’t need holiday gifts; we sprinkle each other all year long with both affection and trinkets. I’ll buy for those very close to me but for those who buy for everyone they can think of……. well ya can’t buy love OR penance.
I’m a poor graduate student and to be honest, I save up for most of the fall semester so that I can have the FUN of buying things for my family and friends at Christmas time! Often there are small gifts, but there are few things as much fun as watching someone’s face as they rip into the paper and reveal “wow” that perfect little something that affirms to them how much I’ve been thinking of them while I was living thousands of miles away.
— AudreyWhat is sad, I think, is when people give gifts out of obligation, to family members they hardly know or all those silly things to bosses, teachers or the like. Skip the obligations and spend more on people you care about!
It is a hoot that the richest, fattest, most self indulgent culture in the history of the planet would debate the merits of gift giving and getting. What we are going to spend in the coming weeks on an orgy of unnecessary consumptive greed would be enough to feed, cloth and house the poorest billion people on the planet. You know what might make a nice gift for the jaded already-has-everything crowd? How about the gift of life? You can even make a donation in someone elses name.
Try
Oxfam America 1-800-77-OXFAM
UNICEF http://www.unicefusa.org/support
CARE http://www.care.org
Heifer International 800-422-0755
— Ebenzer ScroogeI think you totally ignored what Ellen said which is right on target. It’s not the money which is the issue, it’s the materialism. I like the idea of creating something that is special and unique to the person, but it’s this desire for the purchase that scares many of us even as we are victims of it.
— AaronAfter my mother instructed me never to give her anything that needed dusting, it occurred to me that much of my gift-giving was about making myself feel good. Moving the focus to the recipients triggered a change from instant garage sale items to homemade baked goods and other consumables that wouldn’t clutter up their homes.
— Jean HollandExcess stuff is a real issue for a lot of people; as evidence note the rise of the professional organizer. It seems downright unkind to waste money on gifts that ultimately create a problem.
I do not think it is too much to ask that people give to eachother for one time a year. I have simplified my giftgiving by giving the same gift to everyone — a subscription to the Times. The paper has been very useful in my daily life, and I hope others will appreciate it as well. It is great for wrapping fish.
TPP responds — I like the way you think! Although everyone is going to think a Times marketer wrote this!!
— Lyle VosBeing the youngest of 6 siblings, and an aunt since I was 11, I’ve never had the money or energy to keep up with all the interests of our rapidly expanding family.
This has translated to my adult life–I’ve never exchanged gifts outside my immediate family, though I am able to swing a birthday card for each of my 12 nieces and nephews.
We’re keeping it to one nice gift between my husband and I, and some inexpensive toys for my daughter. Total family expenditure, around $300.
My feeling is that we “live large” all year, and Christmas should be about the tree, the season, and being together.
— SMV, CalgaryI give only to my children. I work 2 jobs because I have to to pay the bills. I don’t have anything extra — not even for the bell-ringers. And since I’m the only 2-job wife in the neighborhood, our house is the only one that hasn’t been decorated, so I’m sure they all think I’m a grinch. Oh well.
— Z-girlIn my extended family we’ve found the perfect balance (for us). We each draw a name, and get a gift for only that individual. The gift can’t cost more than $20, and it has to be home made or found at a garage sale or thrift shop. We look forward all year to seeing what other people have managed to invent or find, it’s never expensive, and we have a wonderful backlog of stories and goofy gifts. Losing the excitement of connecting with family that Christmas gift giving represents would be a real loss, and this way we keep that. Losing the commercialism and excess has been wonderful.
— Ruthi hate this holiday. its has been tainted by industry
— davidas a gimmit to spend your yearly saving. its no longer represent what xmas really is and that is the birth of christ. we set image of a fat man in red coat whos goes about giving gifts and it make me sick to see them all about the store on this month. our children are brain wash that xmas is to get presents that is so easy for the damn rich, but us common peoples who bust our ass off each and every day working just to barely put food on the table. be american all you want, but im proud that im not one whos been brain wash by the american rituels.
Dear NYT: Maybe you can help regular folks figure out a Christmas mystery of excess. How many people actually give a gift of a NEW CAR to someone for Christmas? Seeing ads for gifting of the latest/greatest luxury vehicle just boggles our minds!
— JimYears ago my family made a rule: at Christmas, adults don’t give presents to adults, only children.
The result has been much more relaxing and child-centered Christmases. The presents are for (or are from) the kids. And the grown-ups get a peaceful time to hang out together instead of running off to do last-minute shopping to buy another adult something they don’t want or need.
We’ve been doing Christmas this way for over a decade and will never go back to the old crazy way.
— Michelle FWhile it is impossible to convince my parents that they do not need to buy loads of gifts for their three single adult daughters, we have found a better way to direct their spending. The family as a whole has adopted one of my student’s families for the past few years.
While teaching in the South Bronx for six years I became friends with one particular family. Now we shop for both parents and six of their children, step children, and various adopted family friends.
This tradition has spilled over into birthdays and graduations over the past few years. Somehow you don’t feel too bad blowing a few hundred dollars at Target when you know without question in your mind that it will be appreciated!
TPP responds — I think people do need to give, so redirecting their spending to a needy cause makes sense, although people still want to give to their loved ones. My friends Jeff and Amy (the couple in the video) adopt a family from their church in addition to the giving they do for their own family and friends. This is central to their disagreement — Jeff wants to stop spending on family and friends altogether and redirect all that spending to the needy, giving a “blowout” Christmas to some needy family.
— BX TeacherWhen I give gifts they are usually handmade. Simple items; stamped scarves, beading, small embroideries. If a person doesn’t say thank you I don’t gift them again. This year I made and sent handmade cards only to people I’d exchanged cards with in the past.
— paperpestI have been trying to convince my family for years that our money would be better spent on experiences spent together than presents that are easily forgotten by the next Christmas. Finally, I’ve succeeded this year in convincing them that a fun family trip will provide memories that will last much longer than that sweater from last year I never wear.
— CraigMy gift to many people this year will be “time with their kids”. I’m preparing gingerbread dough and packaging it with cookie cutters, icing and decorations. It’s a gift the fits my “stay at home mom” budget and allows my working friends to have some fun with less stress. I hope they like it.
— EllenWe give gifts at Christmas but not to family, friends, acquaintances etc. Like others I find this holiday period celebrates nothing more than greed and shallowness. The only proper gifts in our extended family are donations to any cause in the name of our faith. How does wasting natural resources to light worthless decorations spread the message of a holy celebration? I would love to disappear from Dec 1 to Jan 15 just to escape the onslaught of commercial interests.
— Jerri DeyoungI receive great joy from picking out gifts for members of my family and I give it a lot of thought well before the holidays. If I see something “perfect” at any time of the year, I’ll pick it up and save it for Christmas. I love the whole process but I have a relatively short list and they’re all people I know well. (We make cookies and other home-made treats for teachers and others we know less well).
— anneI contrast this with my ex-husband for whom the family gift exchange was an onerous obligation and generally done in a crazy rush on Christmas Eve with much grumbling. I told him not to bother on my account but he said he didn’t want to look like an inconsiderate oaf in front of my family. Whatever he got me, I knew he resented — some Christmas gift!
So I say we let the Grinches or those concerned about materialism off the hook. Gifts bought with this attitude, don’t advance any loving relationship! But in my family, I buy gifts because it makes me happy and the rest of you can bah! humbug! all you like.
The real gift that all too often is not given is kindess and understanding. That is the true meaning of celebrating the holidays with friends and loved ones.
— RichardBe a thoughtful giver. Gifts are symbols expressing affection, respect, and love. A hand-knitted sweater (or socks). Home baked goods. A book (or DVD) that means something both to the giver and its recipient.
— Wandering GentileExpensive gifts are expressions of the pride, success, and wealth of the giver. This is not appropriate to a religious (or family) holiday.
But I guess those TV ads for his ‘n hers sports cars for christmas help the economy, which is, of course, our religion.
I love finding gifts my family members will enjoy and use. This often requires more ingenuity than money. I think sometimes people who complain about the “overcommercialization” of Christmas are looking for an out not to celebrate it or not to buy gifts; it is as tainted by commercialization as you let it be. There are thousands of families who have joyous celebrations of the holiday even among the toy ads and the car ads and the hype. It just requires tuning out the static to listen to what is really important (and for many, that is the “holy day” aspect of the holiday)
When I was a kid, we did a couple of years of the “$100 Christmas” - a challenge from the church we belonged to to sharply cut back on spending, still celebrate the joys of the season, and give the money we “would” have spent to charity. Those were some of the most memorable - and in many ways, best - Christmases of my childhood.
— rickiIt’s easy to overreach and burn yourself out with homemade gifts, but I’m doing a lot of it this year. I’ve given things like biscotti, Chai oatmeal mixes, and other things in the past. This year, I’m making small mason jars of spiced nuts for some, aprons for a select few, and small bags of homemade soap for all of my coworkers.
The soap is great because it’s easy, relatively inexpensive per gift, gives me a great creative outlet, and it’s nice to give and get some non-food gifts around the holidays.
— MargaretI stopped gift exchanges with my in-laws because it was clear they were doing it strictly out of a feeling of obligation. And they were obviously spending as little time, effort and money (regifting inappropriate or used items, giving cheap dollar store trinkets for the kids) in the process. I think I did them all a favor…
— NYCgirl