Occasionally, we find it necessary to medicate our feathered friends. Here are some pointers to help you with this task.

FIRST APPLICATION:

1. Retrieve the bird from the cage.
2. Set the bird on a table and hold its head by carefully grasping the neck where it joins the lower jaw, or mandible.
3. With your other hand, grasp the medicine syringe and place the tip into the left side of the bird's mouth.
4. Depress the plunger and squirt the medicine toward the back of the bird's throat.
5. Wipe excess medicine from the bird's beak.
6. Place the bird back in the cage.

SUBSEQUENT APPLICATIONS:

1. Attempt to retrieve the bird from the cage.
2. Apply bandages as necessary to wounds on your hands and arms.
3. Retrieve the bird from its new hiding place under the coffee table.
4. Carefully immobilize the bird's head to prevent further tissue damage to your body.
5. Attempt to break the "Vulcan Death Grip" and remove the bird's feet from your hand.
6. Apply more bandages and a strong analgesic cream to the new wounds on your hands and arms.
7. Immobilize the bird by carefully wrapping it in a bath towel.
8. Watch in amazement as the bird "morphs." Its head and tail will probably swap position, putting your tender flesh in mortal danger again.
9. Hold the bird snugly in its terrycloth prison.
10. Grasp the medicine syringe. Try to stop trembling in fear and pain. Place the tip of the syringe into the left side of the bird's mouth.
11. Ignore the crushed tip. Depress the plunger and squirt the medicine toward the back of the bird's throat.
12. Wipe excess medicine out of your eyes and off the drapes.
13. Release the bird and squirt medicine in the general vicinity of its face. Some medicine may actually go into the mouth. The rest will be absorbed by osmosis.
14. Shoo the bird back to the cage.
15. Spend the rest of the day attempting to regain the bird's affection with yummy snacks and new toys.