Peggy O. Harrelson
Virginia Cooperative Extension
Helping children learn to handle their angry feelings can be
a frustrating problem for most parents and teachers. Young children
have not yet learned how to express anger in acceptable ways.
When they get angry, they are likely to take it out on another
person, to blame someone else, scream, hit others or display
some other inappropriate behavior.
Some
children grow up ashamed of their feelings because they have
been taught that it is "bad" to feel or show anger. It is
much more emotionally healthy for children to learn that everyone
has angry feelings at times and that there are appropriate
ways to express anger.
Parents
and teachers can help children learn to cope with their feelings
of anger and to express them appropriately by remembering
the following tips when dealing with the angry child.
Tips for dealing with the angry child
Focus
on the behavior. Remember, it is not "bad" to be angry,
but it is "bad" to express angry feelings in ways that hurt
others.
Teach
the child to consider angry feelings as a problem to be solved.
Help children use their minds to solve problems and
to think about solutions or alternatives to their angry feelings.
Help them see that "getting mad" does not solve the problem.
Help
the child express angry feelings in words. Be a role
model for children by using words that tell how the child
feels, not what the child thinks about another
person. For example, "I am sad when you won't let me play
with you"; not "You're mean and I hate you!" Words that hurt
others are not acceptable ways of coping with anger.
Use
"you-messages" to encourage children to express their feelings
in words. "You-messages" describe the child's feelings
and help you and the child focus on the inappropriate behavior.
They encourage children to express their troublesome feelings.
Many times, when children are allowed to express angry feelings,
the feelings tend to disappear. An example of a "you-message"
is, "You must be really mad that Sue wouldn't share her new
books with you."
Teach
by example. Good role models for children are always
the best teachers! If children hear you using words to express
your anger, they are likely to do the same. On the other hand,
if they hear you scream or see you throw something when you
get mad, then they are likely to think those behaviors are
acceptable. Likewise, if you hit children when you get mad
at them, you are teaching them to use violent behavior to
express their angry feelings.
Help
the child learn to get rid of angry feelings through vigorous
physical activity such as: running, digging, pounding
nails in a board, punching a punching bag, tearing newspaper.
Help
children forget about angry feelings by interesting them in
activities which will take their minds off the feelings.
Young children forget about angry feelings quickly, especially
if something else seems more exciting.
Help
the child get rid of tense feelings through soothing activities
such as: playing in the sand and making mud pies, taking a
warm bath, playing in a sink full of warm, sudsy water, playing
with play dough, or finger painting.
Interest
the child in an absorbing activity such as making cookies.
It is always easier to talk to children about their feelings
once they have calmed down.
Use
closeness and touching to calm an angry child. Angry,
impulsive behavior often goes away when an adult soothes and
comforts the child.
Express
interest in the child's activities. A child about
to use a toy in a destructive way is sometimes easily stopped
by an adult who show interest--"Show me how the toy works."
Tell
the child how you feel. For example, a parent can
say, "That noise you are making doesn't usually bother me,
but today I don't feel well, so could you find something else
you enjoy doing?"
Use
physical restraint only when necessary. Sometimes
children may lose control so completely that they have to
be physically restrained to prevent them from hurting themselves
or others. Simply hold the child in your arms until he or
she quiets down and is able to listen to you.
Catch
the child being good. Be sure to support and reinforce
appropriate behavior. Comments such as "You did a good job
cleaning you room," "I am glad you remembered to wash your
hands," or "I like the way you shared your toys today," help
children understand acceptable behavior. Most parents tend
to comment on undesirable behavior, but forget to verbally
reinforce good behavior. If parents praise good behavior more
often, the child will have fewer reasons to be angry.
Disclaimer
and Reproduction Information: Information in NASD does not represent
NIOSH policy. Information included in NASD appears by permission
of the author and/or copyright holder. More
NASD Review: 04/2002
If
you want to know more Kurcinka,
M.S. Raising You Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child
Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic.
New York: Harper Perennial, 1992.
Samalin,
N. Love and Anger: The Parental Dilemma. New York: Penguin
Books, 1991.
Tuecki,
S. and Tonner, L. The Difficult Child. Bantam Books, 1989.
Adapted
from "Dealing with the Angry Child" by Betsy Schenck, Virginia
Cooperative Extension, 1982.
Publication
Number
350-021
,
July 1996
Peggy
O. Harrelson, Extension Specialist, Child Development, Virginia
State University
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