Virginia Cooperative Extension
Losing a
job affects all members of the family. Adults frequently become
so preoccupied they forget unemployment has an emotional, as
well as financial, impact on their children. Children depend
on their parents for emotional security. When parents are tense,
upset and inattentive, much of this security is gone.
Unemployment
can mean sudden lifestyle changes for the entire family. There's
less money to spend, so decisions must be made on how to spend
what's there. It may mean other family members must find jobs.
It may mean there is less family time while looking for a job.
Unemployment
can mean a parent is home more, which might call for adjusting
schedules and space. It may involve moving. Whatever change
unemployment brings, the family system and all its members
feel the impact. Discussing these feelings and concerns is
important.
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Communication
has two parts -- talking and listening. Each must occur for
communication to be successful.
As people
undergo changes in their lives, they need to talk about it.
This includes adults and children. Harvard psychologist Gerald
Kaplan says people who are not ashamed to express fears, anxieties,
sorrows and seek help from others deal with crisis most successfully.
Children who learn this at a young age will be more likely
to be able to cope with stress as adults.
Being
able to discuss and vent angry feelings can help keep those
feelings from creating more severe problems, such as emotional
problems, family violence or alcohol abuse.
Listening
is as important as talking. Everyone needs someone to listen
to them -- someone who supports them and allows them to openly
express feelings. Sometimes a person can find a solution or
discover the sources of stress just by talking.
The
listener should not feel obligated to advise, analyze or have
all the answers. Listening and responding with concern and
understanding may be all the help needed.
Open
communication within the family is vital to good relationships.
During stress, we frequently need people outside the family
willing to listen when we need to vent our feelings. In some
families, listening is difficult because we want to help but
have strong feelings and opinions. Also, family members are
sometimes too busy or preoccupied to listen well. Taking the
extra effort to actively listen is important.
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- Be
sensitive to non-verbal communication. Clenched fists, fidgeting,
eye movements, and other body language can suggest totally
different meanings for what is said.
- Share
your feelings with "I" statements. "I" statements build
trust in the relationship. They give you ownership for what's
said. The model for this type of communication is:
- Begin:
"I feel _____"
- Name
situation: "when _____"
- Tell
how you are affected: "because _____"
- State
what you would like to see in the future: "from now
on, please _____."
An example
might be:
"I feel
angry when I get home and find the dishes undone because it
makes the place look so messy. Would you please put the dishes
in the dishwasher in the future?"
- "You"
statements can stifle communication. Sentences that begin
with "you" can sound like accusations.
- Give
feedback or check your interpretation of what is said. Ask
questions such as "Do you mean _____?" I understood you
to say _____."
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Even though
you feel overwhelmed with your own problems, as a parent you
can help your children cope with the stress. Here is a list
of tips for helping children cope.
- You
can help your children best by first helping yourself. Try
to gain control of your own stress, and you will be more
able to help your children cope.
- Provide
your children with information about your family's situation
in a way that is within the child's understanding. Don't
keep the job loss or financial situation a secret from children
and other family members, despite the urge to "spare" them
or "save face." They need to know how it is.
- Recognize
symptoms of stress that may affect your children. Symptoms
may include sleeplessness, diarrhea, withdrawal, headaches,
and/or angry outbursts. Encourage the child to share feelings
and fears. If you feel ineffective in helping your children
manage stress -- talk to the child's teacher, a school psychologist,
clergy member or contact a mental health professional.
- See
that children eat balanced diets, get adequate rest and
plenty of exercise to avoid health problems.
- Try
to keep other major changes to a minimum. Too many changes
at once can be overwhelming. However, some changes are unavoidable,
such as a move, so try to help keep the changes in perspective.
- Help
your children focus on the positive aspects of their lives.
Look at family and personal strengths and draw on talents
and contributions of all family members. Recognize these
contributions, especially the small ones.
- Hold
a family discussion on how the income loss affects money
available for extra activities and allowances. Talk about
family spending priorities. Use a worksheet to begin a discussion
on how each person will help control family spending.
- Spend
family time together doing low-cost or no-cost activities
that family members enjoy. Visit nearby museums, hike, bike,
camp or play board games. Your county Extension Office has
ideas about low- and no-cost family activities.
If older
children can find jobs to supplement family income, decide
together how their money will be used. Decide whether it will
cover their clothing and recreation expenses or whether they
will contribute to food, shelter and other expenses. Help
them to help the family by contributing to a portion of the
family's income.
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Attitudes
and family communication have a great impact on how your family
deals with unemployment. The members' thoughts and feelings
influence their behaviors.
No matter
what your children's ages, there are things they can do to
help at home when a parent is unemployed.
Here
are some suggestions you can give to children to help relieve
stress and tension at home.
- Think
about the things you do that make other people in your family
angry. Find ways to avoid doing those things.
- Do
extra chores; help out without being asked.
- Clean
up after yourself.
- Avoid
picking fights.
Here are
some ideas of things children can do when money is short.
- Think
about things you've been spending money on that you can
do without: movies, magazines, records, gas.
- Think
about ways you can earn some money: babysitting, mowing
lawns, shoveling snow, delivering papers.
- Think
about ways to stretch the money your family does have: sew
or mend clothing, garden, babysit for younger brothers and
sisters, prepare meals.
Brooks,
J. B. The Process of Parenting. Palo Alto, CA:
Mayfield Publishing Co., 1987.
Ginott,
H. Between Parent and Child. New York: Avon,
1965.
Pitzer,
Ronald L. "Family Communication in Times of Stress." University
of Minnesota. 1984.
Texas
Agricultural Extension Service. "Coping with Unemployment,"
1986.
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Disclaimer
and Reproduction Information: Information in NASD does not represent
NIOSH policy. Information included in NASD appears by permission
of the author and/or copyright holder. More
NASD Review: 04/2002
Recommended
by
Michael J. Sporakowski
Virginia Cooperative Extension Specialist, Family and Child
Development, Virginia Tech.
Adapted
from: Krueger, C. M. "Managing Between Jobs: Helping Children
Cope." University of Wisconsin-Extension. B3459-15. Krueger,
C. M. "Managing Between Jobs: How You Can Help When Mom or
Dad is Unemployed." University of Wisconsin-Extension. B3459-13.
Families
Taking Charge is a multi-part series for individuals and families
experiencing financial stress as a result of difficult economic
times.
Publication
Number
354-097
,
June 1996
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