Family and Friends
Family Meetings
People Close to You
"My father and I are so much
closer. It's a totally different
family than we were before I
was diagnosed. We've learned
how to talk about how we feel,
how to talk to each other about
what's going on and what we're
afraid of." - Charles |
Your loved ones may need time to adjust to the news that
your cancer has returned. They need to come to terms with
their own feelings. These may include confusion, shock,
helplessness, anger, and other feelings.
Let family members and friends know that they can offer
comfort just by:
- Being themselves
- Listening and not trying to solve problems
- Being at ease with you.
Being able to comfort you can help them cope with their
feelings.
Bear in mind that not everyone can handle the return of
cancer. Sometimes a friend or family member can't face the
idea that you might not get better. Some people may not
know what to say or do for you. As a result, relationships may
change, but not because of you. They may change because
others can't cope with their own feelings and pain. If you
can, remind your loved ones that you are still the same
person you always were. Let them know if it's all right to ask
questions or tell you how they feel. Sometimes just
reminding them to be there for you is enough.
It's also okay if you don't feel comfortable talking about your
cancer. Some topics are hard to talk about with people you
are close to. In this case, you may want to talk with a member
of your health care team or a trained counselor. You might
want to attend a support group where people meet to share
common concerns.
Some families have trouble expressing their needs to each
other. Other families simply do not get along. If you don't
feel comfortable talking with family members, ask a member
of your health care team to help. You could also ask a social
worker or other professional to hold a family meeting. This
may help family members feel that they can safely express
their feelings. It can also be a time for you and your family to
meet with your entire health care team to solve problems and
set goals. Although it can be very hard to talk about these
things, studies show that cancer care is a smoother process
when everyone remains open and talks about the issues.
Often, talking with someone close to you is harder than
talking with anyone else. Here's some advice on talking with
loved ones during tough times.
Spouses and Partners
- Try as much as you can to keep your relationship as it
was before you got sick.
- Talk things over. This may be hard for you or your
spouse or partner. If so, ask a counselor or social
worker to talk with both of you together.
- Be realistic about demands. Your spouse or partner
may feel guilty about your illness. They may feel
guilty about any time spent away from you. They also
may be under stress due to changing family roles.
- Spend some time apart. Your spouse or partner
needs time to address their own needs. If these needs
are neglected, your loved one may have less energy
and support to give. Remember, you didn't spend
24 hours a day together before you got sick.
- Body changes and emotional concerns may affect
your sex life. Talking openly and honestly is key. But
if you can't talk about these issues, you might want to
talk with a professional. Don't be afraid to seek help
or advice if you need it.
Children
Keeping your children's trust is very
important at this time. Children can
sense when things are wrong. So it's
best to be as open as you can about
your cancer. They may worry that they
did something to cause the cancer.
They may be afraid that no one will
take care of them. They may also feel that you are not
spending as much time with them as you used to. Although
you can't protect them from what they might feel, you can
prepare them for these feelings.
"My illness became a vehicle for teaching my children
lessons I'd want to teach them if I'd never been sick. Instead
of fighting or trying to hide all the challenges, I used them
to teach my kids the value of delayed gratification, how to
find hope when the chips are down, that you are the same
person inside even if your appearance changes, and that you
try your best and forgive yourself if things don't go well.
My treatments became a powerful way to say to my
children, 'I love you and will do whatever I must to
be with you.'" - Wendy Harpham, M.D., author of
When a Parent Has Cancer: A Guide to Caring
for Your Children |
Some children become clingy. Others get into trouble at
school or at home. It helps to keep the lines of communication
open. Try to:
- Be honest. Tell them you are sick and that the
doctors are working to make you better.
- Let them know that nothing they did or said caused
the cancer. And make sure that they know that they
can't catch it from you.
- Reassure them that you love them.
- Encourage them to talk about their feelings.
- Tell them it's okay to be upset, angry, or scared.
- Be clear and simple when you talk, since children can
focus only briefly. Use words they can understand.
- Let them know they will be taken care of and loved.
- Let them know that it's okay to ask questions. Tell
them that you will answer them as honestly as you
can. In fact, children who aren't told the truth about
an illness can become even more scared. They often
depend on their imagination and fears to explain the
changes around them.
Teenagers
Teenagers have some of the same needs as those of younger
children. They need to hear the truth about an illness. This
helps keep them from feeling needless guilt and stress. But
be aware that they may try to avoid the subject. They may
become angry, act out, or get into trouble as a way of coping.
Others simply withdraw. Try to:
- Give them the space they need. This is especially
important if you are relying on them more to help
with family needs.
- Give them time to deal with their feelings, alone or
with friends.
- Let them know that they should still go to school and
take part in sports and other fun activities.
If you have trouble explaining your cancer, you might want
to ask for help. A close friend, relative, healthcare worker, or
trusted coach or teacher could help answer your teenager's
questions. Your support group, social worker, or doctor can
also help you find a counselor or psychologist.
"It's a roller coaster ride, so we just ride the roller coaster.
I've got the whole family prepared, and that's what you
have to do when you have cancer. Things are going well
one minute, then change to really bad the next." - Gwen |
Adult Children
Your relationship with your adult children may change now
that you have cancer again. You may have to rely on them
more. And it may be hard for you to ask for support. After
all, you may be used to giving support rather than getting it.
Adult children have their concerns, too. They may start to
think about their own mortality. They may feel guilt, because
of the many demands on them as parents, children, and
employees. Some may live far away or have other duties.
They may feel bad that they can't spend as much time with
you as they would like. Often it helps to:
- Share decision-making with your children.
- Involve them in issues that are important to you.
These may include treatment choices, plans for the
future, or activities that you want to continue.
- If they aren't able to be there with you, keep them
updated on your progress.
- Make the most of the time you have. Share your
feelings with them.
Try to reach out to your adult children. Openly sharing your
feelings, goals, and wishes will help them adjust. It will also
help prevent problems in the future. Remember, just as
parents want the best for their children, children want the
best for their parents. They want to see your needs met
effectively and with compassion. Your children don't want to
see you suffer.
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