The following is reproduced with permission from DK Publishing, Inc. www.dk.com
"It is difficult to come to terms with the feelings of devastation and total loss. Some days I don't feel too bad, but other days I feel I cannot go on."
Bereavement means "the loss of something valued." Grieving is a process of adjusting to that loss and is universally recognized across all cultures. The process of grieving usually occurs when the loss involves a death, but it can also be applied to other situations, including the breakup of a relationship or divorce, loss of a job, or coming to terms with the loss of health through an illness or disability. Research into comparative levels of stress connected with important life events shows that the death of a spouse is regarded as the most stressful event. Grieving is more difficult if the death is sudden or violent, or if the relationship was very close or one in which one or both partners were very dependent. When you experience a serious loss of someone close, you can experience the following four recognized stages of grief, each of which is accompanied by a range of different emotions:
Stage One: Shock The reality of the loss often takes time to sink in. Your initial reactions may vary from numbness, denial, disbelief, and hysteria, to not being able to think straight. These are all natural emotions that cushion you against the loss and allow you to experience it more slowly and cope with it better in the short term.
Stage Two: Protest At this stage, it is normal to protest that the loss cannot be real, even though you are being confronted with evidence that it is. As you struggle between denying and eventually accepting the reality of what has happened, you experience waves of strong and powerful feelings, such as anger, guilt, sadness, fear, yearning, and searching.
Stage Three: Disorganization This is the stage when the reality of the loss is only too real. You are likely to experience overwhelming feelings of bleakness, despair, apathy, anxiety, and confusion. You may feel that this depression could go on forever and that there is no way out.
Stage Four: Reorganization You begin to rebuild your life and acquire a greater balance. At last you are able to choose to remember happier times. Gradually you return to previous functioning, but often with changed values and new meaning in life.
Grieving, though painful, is a natural process that must be acknowledged and worked through. Some people will wrongly try to avoid that pain by keeping themselves very busy or burying themselves in work. Other people might defend themselves against the pain by saying to themselves, "I have to be strong for everybody else" or "It's no use crying." The period of grieving cannot be hurried and may vary from days to weeks, months, or even years. Even when you feel you are over it, you must be prepared for occasional setbacks, perhaps when you hear a particular piece of music, smell a certain scent, or remember a shared anniversary.
It is understandable to want to spend time alone, but it does not help to become too isolated. Talking and listening are important throughout all stages of grief, but it is quite usual for friends and acquaintances to feel embarrassed and not know what to say. When you are ready, approach your friends and say, "I need to talk" or "I need some practical help." There will be days when you prefer not to talk about it. When this happens, it is best just to be honest and explain your feelings to other people.
©Powell,Trevor. 1997. Free Yourself From Harmful Stress. New York, NY:DK Publishing, Inc. www.dk.com
Last Modified: Friday, 17-Nov-2006 09:17:51 EST