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Take one guess how the process server disguised as an underage Thai hooker surprised me with the subpoena. |
I always thought there were only two ways to punch a horse to death, but I think I just discovered a third. Thanks, crystal meth! |
My kid's got ADD so we're thinking about sending her to one of those concentration camps? |
Ally Sheedy invented the breakfast burrito in 1985: Pixy Stix and Cap'n Crunch wrapped in bread recently denuded of its pimento loaf. |
You can train an African Grey parrot to beat me at Yahtzee but I guess you can't train him to not be a big dick about it. |
That homeless guy who sleeps on my car? Well he and I are wearing the same jeans today and his ass looks about a zillion times hotter. Grr! |
Just found a Post-It wedged in my navel that says: "Lose weight and take more showers!!" OMG it's dated 4/24/05. |
If you can't prove in a court of law that we didn't have sex last night, then we did. Yeah well I'm still updating the spreadsheet. |
Got the invite to my dad's wedding. He just crossed out the bride's name from the last time around and wrote in That Hotty [sic] At Denny's. |
Either someone spilled a Shamrock Shake in my jacuzzi or I just fucked a leprechaun. |
I'm fine with waking up in Epcot wearing a nursing bra -- not the first time, won't be the last -- but I could do without all the screaming. |
I drank the liquid inside a Magic 8-Ball. My doctor said "outlook not so good" and then gave me a prescription for that "total burn." |
Come back! I know two more Sublime songs! |
In my day, the hand gesture for "doing it" was sticking one finger in one hole. Kids today need like fourteen fingers and that Wii doodad!!! |
Man, Grandpa's really going for the record with his Thanksgiving nap. Sleeping with his eyes open, even. I bet he learned that in the War. |
Accidentally drank the turkey brine and woke up 50 miles away in a boxcar headed for Bozeman. Maybe put quotes around "accidentally." |
Guy in the next stall just texted me: "i hate gays! do u agree? tap yr foot once for NOT REALLY and twice for I'M ... I'M SHY AND CONFUSED." |
Dear Abby, my wife says I should wear a tux to the opera. I say she should wear a tux in hell forever. 1) Who's right? 2) Oh my god call 911 |
I didn't get where I am today by explaining things to retards, so either pick a dipping sauce or have your baby shower at another Chili's. |
Where's my glue gun?? You guys, it's only a week till Thanksgiving and my Jordache short shorts aren't going to fucking bedazzle themselves. |
