And now for something completely different
By Daniel J. Calderón I know. The title isn’t the most original thing ever written. Some readers might not recognize it, but that’s all right. I enjoy throwing out both obscure and familiar pop references. I try not to be too Dennis Miller, but I get by.
Over the last few months, it’s been pretty heavy. I figured I’d try to be different, to depart a little from the heavy and tackle a bit of lighter fare. Let’s take on … religion. No. That’s not right. How about politics since we’re already beyond the caucuses? Let’s go with thoughts on the next president. Hmmm... Maybe not. Let’s try something else.
Okay. I’ve got it. It’s a new year. Let’s start it off thinking about what’s not quite right in the Golden State. Let’s grouse about stuff we have no real hope of changing, but it’s fun to complain about anyway.
My first item is the price of housing. Am I the only one who had to physically bite back a yelp of mingled surprise and pain when going on my first house shopping trip? I’m not completely stupid. I knew it was expensive. I knew houses were going to be a whole lot more than where I came from. Intellectually, theoretically, I knew all of that.
It’s just coming face to face with the reality of a New House Salesperson (three cheers for political correctness) telling me the house I’m looking at is a bargain at just $550,000 was just a little bit too much to bear.
It’s kind of like living in Hawai’i and visiting the Big Island. When you go to see the lava flows, you know it’s hot. It’s really hot. It’s core-of-the-earth kind of hot. You know all of this and yet, it looks so neat as it’s just flowing. It’s so syrupy and runny, like melting chocolate – but glowing red and orange. It’s tempting to reach out and try to scoop up a little handful and play with it like taffy. However, when you do that and pull back a charred stump where one of your favorite hands used to be, then it really hits home just how hot the stuff really is. House shopping out here is kind of like that. Moving on, let’s look at traffic for a bit. I know this one’s a favorite little chestnut for almost everyone. Coming from a state where the suggested speed limit is usually between 65 and 80 mph on the highways (there are miles and miles of Texas, after all), I find it particularly difficult to fathom how people can stand to drive an average of 10-30 mph on the highways in the downtown Los Angeles area. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that there are thousands upon thousands of people who enjoy doing just that. If the glut of vehicles I see from my window every morning is any indication, people around here would much rather clog the limited asphalt arteries of the city with their personal vehicles than avail themselves of the ample public transportation.
There are times I need to take to the open road – usually the weekend is the only time I have available to me. When I do get out, the roads are almost always clogged in every direction within a 40-mile drive of the downtown area. It’s unfathomable to me that there would be so many people going in the same direction at the same time. If I were a conspiracy theorist, I would think I have some sort of signal in my house that tells people when I am leaving and a matching device in my vehicles that tells people where I am going so they can jump out on the roads to ensure I don’t go fast enough to hurt myself. If I were a conspiracy theorist, I’d think my mother put them up to it. Next, how about the much-vaunted California Beaches? Again, I have to bring up my beloved Texas (Yeah. You’re thinking of the Bud Light “Mr. Way Too Proud of Texas Guy” commercial, aren’t you? If you’re not sure what that commercial is all about, you can look it up on YouTube).
We have beaches along the Gulf Coast. They’re not the best beaches in the world. I’m not so blinded by pride (no big belt buckle to catch the sun either) that I can’t admit I’ve been to better ocean recreation areas. But I wonder about the fun in the sun and sand around here when I’m constantly seeing stories about sewage runoff, seal poop and dangerous rip tides all along the length of the coastline Californians are so proud of having.
It’s like saying a trip to Disneyworld is exactly the same as a trip to Magic Mountain. Granted, they both have rides and costumed characters running around. Both sport over-priced eateries and souvenir merchandise. Both even make day patrons pay too much for the privilege of parking 50 miles away (a minor exaggeration I hope you’ll grant me) and riding in overcrowded trams. But I think there are important differences. When I took my family to Disneyworld, there wasn’t a lot of trash that looked like it had been left behind by revelers from a month before. The buildings were brightly painted and seemed to be well maintained. When we left the park (at Disney), I felt pretty safe walking through the parking lot. Not so at the Six Flags park. I understand Disney may be more expensive than Magic Mountain, but I don’t think inexpensive should necessarily equal cheap. But, maybe that’s just me. I think Hawai’i has some of the best beaches around. Maybe that’s because I spent four years there and I really had the chance to enjoy them. I think it’s because the beaches are all owned by the state. There’s none of this “private beach” nonsense that seems to be a special affliction of California. I could be wrong on that. Maybe other states offer up their coastline to the highest bidder. It seems a bit too elitist and short-sighted to me. After all, if one buys up a portion of the beach and it erodes away, do you then own a bit of submerged land? Or, do you complain to the government to help stop the erosion of your supposedly personal bit of property? Then, does your personal stake in it go away? Hard questions and I don’t have the answers. Bu then again, this was meant as a light look at the state of some things around here. The ideas and opinions are not all-encompassing ones nor do they cover the full range of what I think about each subject. I’m sure we could go round and round about these and bunches of other trifles that abound in our daily lives. That’s not to say they’re trifling or unworthy of consideration. I’m just trying to point out even the most difficult of situations can have a humorous side.
Just a thought… |
