TAPS PEER MENTORS

The heart of TAPS is its network of loving, caring military surviving family members and friends who have volunteered their time and their compassionate care to become “peer Mentors.”  This doesn’t require an academic credential or a technical certification; it requires something much more personal – the shared tragedy of losing a loved one serving in our armed forces.  Peers aren’t counselors or advisors, they are new friends who will commit to be there for you, listen when you need to talk, help direct you to resources when you have questions, and become an empathetic friend who you’ll have for life.  You share an immediate bond through your connection to the military family and your shared grief over the death of someone precious. 

Here’s how it works: 

When a call comes into the National Headquarters, it will be a TAPS team member who answers, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  They will be focused on listening carefully and then offering immediate resources, information and connection to our network of peer mentors across the country.  When a fiancé calls, for instance, they may be feeling “disenfranchised” from military ceremonies and recognition.  Not so with TAPS, they are part of our loving family, and become connected immediately with “significant others” who understand and empathize and can offer insight from a personal perspective.

What does it take to become a peer mentor? 

First, you must be at least one year beyond your own loss.  That’s a rule we have in place to make sure we honor your own grief and are there to give you as much help and attention and care as we possibly can.  Second, we hope you will be able to attend at least one TAPS National Military Survivor Seminar.  This wonderful event is held each year over Memorial Day weekend in Washington, DC.  On the Thursday prior to the Seminar, Peer Mentor Training is held.  This is a wonderful chance to meet your fellow mentors and receive important training on everything from effective listening skills to companioning techniques. 

And finally, you must make a commitment to be there for those who come to rely on you, just as you relied on your TAPS mentor at first.  That means not only saying you’ll take calls anytime, day or night (because we know sometimes those dark moments don’t honor a civilized schedule), but remaining available by phone and email for as long as your new friend needs you.  That could mean a lot of time talking long distance on the phone.  If this is difficult financially, TAPS can help subsidize your calls.  If you have a calling plan that allows lots of long distance time, or you are able to donate this expense to TAPS, make sure you request a letter acknowledging this as a donation to a charitable organization for your taxes. 

Peers are matched in several ways – by the relationship (is the caller the father, sister, wife, child, etc. of someone who has died while serving?); by the circumstances of the death (hostile action, sudden illness, suicide, accident, etc.); by family dynamic (for example, are you a 26 year old widow with 4 small children who you are now raising alone?); by geography (when possible); and by branch of service.  The most important thing is that you both are comfortable with each other, and if it doesn’t “click” (not everyone does!) then feel free to call and ask to speak with someone else.  No one will be offended, we all want this to be an effective support system and we need your input! 

Are there things you can’t do?

Peer mentors do not judge or direct, we listen and offer comfort.  Some of these things may sound like common sense, but it’s good to review them.  A few of the important things we DON’T do include: 

·         make decisions for our peers;

·         tell them what to do; don’t say "I would.... you should...I think you should...Do this...";

·         offer your method of survival as the only successful means for surviving--all circumstances are unique;

·         offer professional advice;

·         make a referral to a particular professional; nor do we

·         influence them with regard to politics, philosophy or religion.

As a recap, our volunteer peer mentors:

·         Have survived or lost a loved one in the armed forces

·         Provide strength through active listening and shared experiences

·         Offer non-medical, non-technical information and guidance

·         Communicate openly about their experiences with grief

·         Consent to being acknowledged as volunteer peer mentors

·         Promote coping with a positive attitude

·         Allow the caller to make his/her own decisions

·         Recognize that the survivor has the right to break contact at any time

·         Are available at reasonable times to provide telephone or e-mail grief support.

·         Strive to alleviate isolation, confusion, and despair by providing strength through active listening and shared experiences.

·         Agree on a follow-up plan for the next contact if the survivor wishes or advises them to contact TAPS to make alternative arrangements

·         Must maintain complete confidentiality

·         Do not influence callers in regard to politics, philosophy or religion

·         Are 18 years of age or older

If you are a volunteer peer mentor, you:

·         Will be contacted by TAPS and matched to a new survivor;

·         Arrange a follow-up plan, if any, with the survivor; and

·         Provide TAPS with information about the success of calls via telephone, e-mail or mail.

Here’s how a typical call comes about:

1.    TAPS gets a call, an e-mail or a letter from someone who is grieving the death of a loved one who served in the armed forces. .

2.    TAPS staff gently ask basic information about the survivor, including:

·         Their relationship to the deceased;

·         Their address;

·         Their age, family information, and any other

·         Unique criteria that will help us help them.

3.    TAPS tells our new friend to expect a return call by a volunteer peer mentor who will offer care and compassion.

4.    TAPS then finds a compatible volunteer peer mentor based on the profile.

5.    If the volunteer peer mentor is available and agrees to provide support, a decision left to the individual peer mentor's discretion, the mentor will return the survivor's call to provide emotional support through their common experience.

6.    The volunteer peer mentor asks the survivor if he or she would like a follow-up call to check on progress.

7.    Occasionally, TAPS may follow-up by contacting the survivor to request information regarding the usefulness and success of their experience with the volunteer peer mentor network.  This process is geared towards continually improving the system.

8.    TAPS remains available always for assistance and support!

The basic concepts that each volunteer peer mentor relays to the survivor are:

1.    They are not alone, someone else understands their pain and grief and above all, their love.

2.    Reactions and feelings toward different situations are not abnormal, irrational or crazy.

3.    They can feel confident that TAPS is in place, which will provide them with practical information and resources, which will help them cope with their grief when they request it.

APPENDIX A:

Always open with an introduction and condolences –

Hi, I’m _______.  I am so sorry for the loss your family has suffered, but I’m so grateful you called TAPS.  We are here for you.  My ___ died in the ____, and I’m a peer mentor, which is to say, I’m a friend, an ear when you need it, just someone who gets it and is there for you, anytime, day or night.

Conversation jump starters:

Spouses: 

How did you two meet?

When did you know he/she was “the one?”

I bet he made you laugh…

If you have had the chance to find a picture on the internet, you might mention, “Wow, what a handsome guy!”

If they have children, you might mention something about “How did he feel about having children?” (since this is almost always very happy memories)

Did you get to talk much when he was deployed?  (that can lead to … did you have any voice messages or emails or letters you saved?)

Parents:

Your son must have been quite an amazing young man to have joined the Marine Corps/Army/etc. – what was he like as a little boy?

Do you remember him as a baby?  Bet he was cute!

Did he always want to be a soldier?

How did he first learn to drive?

Was he good in school?

Siblings:

Wow, your brother/sister is like a part of you… do you find people don’t realize how close you two are?

Are you older/younger?  Were you close?

Was he a great big/little brother?

What memories do you have?

Also ask:

How were you notified (always a story!)

Is there anything you need help with now?

What can we do for you today (emphasize “today/right now/tonight”)?

If you find there are things that were really done poorly, remember it is not productive to bash the military or go backwards and lament the situation, we can only go forward and in most cases are able to fix problems.  Empower the survivor!

Helpful hints to say/do:

O   “I’m very sorry.”

O   “You have our support.  Call on us.”

O   “This is a great loss to the organization/nation.”

O   “____ will be greatly missed.”  Use the name. 

O   Offer choices and listen to requests.

O   Begin conversations with those emotionally related to the deceased with an acknowledgement of their sacrifice (not just a “statement of facts” or need for information from them).

O   Remember – Honor the dead by focusing on the life and the service.

O   DIGNITY FIRST, COMPASSION ALWAYS

Please don’t say:

O   I know exactly how you feel -- only if really you do!

O   It’s God’s will -- does God really work like this?

O   He is in a better place -- but I want him here!

O   At least they didn’t suffer -- or -- At least they’re out of their misery -- how do you know this?

O   At least you have other children -- you cannot compare!

O   At least you’re young -- so I have decades to face alone?

O   It could have been worse -- not if the outcome was death!

O   God doesn’t give us more than we can handle -- but I can’t handle this!

O   Acceptance --  this feels “unacceptable”

O   Goodbye – they live forever in our hearts

O   Closure – you never “close” them out of your life or forget the life and the love

O   Loss – they are not “lost”, they have died

O   Move past this – you can’t force healing

O   Get on with life – Life is forever altered

O   Get over it – “it” is not something you “get over”, you must find comfort and peace within and then, somehow, create a new future.

O   Remember -- bereaved adults are traumatized, they are not mentally ill.  Be careful with medications and diagnosing mental illness.

Something nice to offer (keep your own list of helpful sayings and quotes!):

by Henry Scott Holland, from Fibres of Faith