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If you can't get "wine before liquor" into a poem, you're probably gonna throw up. |
If everyone in my neighborhood started dressing like Black Crowes, about twenty guys in my neighborhood would get their feelings hurt. |
Totally fucked that last one up. I meant Black Crowes, not Counting Crows. I'm gonna do it again. |
If everyone in my neighborhood started dressing like The Counting Crows, about twenty guys in my neighborhood would get their feelings hurt. |
You know what isn't not awesome about Dreyer's seasonal Peppermint ice cream? Everything. Wait, nothing. I'm confused. |
You know what's not awesome about Hotwire saving me a shitload of dough on my hotel for Macworld? Nothing. |
I said I wouldn't do this. #6wordepitaph |
Nice guys finish last. I just came up with that. Jealous? |
Watching Saturday Night Fever and realizing A) how much Boogie Nights owes to it and B) as a kid, the LP was much more than a joke to me. |
"Condiment delivery has made vast technological strides in just two decades." From my as yet unwritten treatise on TBD subject. |
@courtneyp, who just sent me an invite to Facebook: well-played. |
I can use the new Facebook Connect, for instance, to promote the presence of my balls across a worldwide network of social foreheads. |
An article on my mom in the local paper says I'm a dedicated environmental and community activist. Someone's gonna lose their job over this. |
My favorite part of the morning is my dog watching me get ready; he's just a dumb dog, mystified by my powers of bedmaking and pantswearing. |
The trick, in this case, is getting people at the dog park to walk away from me. |
I never know what to say to people at the dogpark. Saying nothing, smiling, and nervously scratching my dog's butt usually does the trick. |
Usage: "How long will you be in there?"
"As long as it takes. I'm undoing the damage of the past eight years."
"Matches are in the drawer." |
My new go-to catch-all euphemism: "undoing the damage of the past eight years". |
@rands Apps indistinguishable from magic, chronologically: Hypercard '89, VCR Plus+ '90, ZTerm '92, and Shazam '08. |
@AmyJane It's been harder and harder to live off the Facebook grid. But when the Judgement comes, we'll see who's real. |
