Can't believe I'm wearing white and haven't gotten this sauce all over myself yet. I feel like I'm DOIN IT RONG and should smear it on me. about 18 hours ago from web |
|
In this episode of Making The Twitterverse Laugh With My Culinary Ineptitude we present roasted pepper alfredo sauce! So far no fires. about 19 hours ago from web |
|
"No one cares that you went to the bathroom. Unless aforementioned bathroom is in Steve Jobs' house... and talks to you." -- @mikeprasad about 19 hours ago from web |
|
How come I haven't been nominated for the #cunt category on @shortyawards yet? Come on you guys, you can say it to my face! about 20 hours ago from web |
|
Daddykins' stories are so wild and his imagination so fertile, I tried to convince him to tweet a novel. He's on the fence about it. about 20 hours ago from web |
Women can never get it right. If we're composed, we're cold calculating bitches. If we cry, we're imbalanced hysterics. about 20 hours ago from web |
DAD: it'd benefit you some to not act like a cold bitch. ME: WTF? DAD: not that you ARE one, but don't be afraid to show how much it hurts. about 20 hours ago from web |
According to tweetwasters.com, I've spent 160,350 seconds or 2,673 minutes or 44.54 hours or 1.86 days using Twitter! (via @nwjerseyliz) about 21 hours ago from web |
|
"Why create what’s been done before? Why stick to styles and methods that have dominated the traditional formats so long?" -- @chrisbrogan about 22 hours ago from web |
Voicemail messages should run inverted pyramid-meets-Twitter style: who, what, why, where, when and how, 140 characters or less. about 22 hours ago from web |
And when I say a voicemail should be 20 seconds, I mean it. I delete messages if they run too long. Don't bore me, darling! You bore me! about 22 hours ago from web |
You're INTERRUPTING my life when you call. Call once and take 20 seconds to leave a message so I can get back to you on my own time. about 22 hours ago from web |
People who call 18,000 times but don't leave any messages make me livid. Do you REALIZE you're DISTURBING a person by phoning? Yes. You are. about 22 hours ago from web |
Whoever is calling right now? Stop it. I'm NOT answering. E-mail me like everyone else and I'll determine how important your issue is. about 22 hours ago from web |
I'm having a good tit day. Look up "Googleicious breasts" on Google and tell me who you see. about 22 hours ago from web |