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Ooh -- a fried chicken wreath! Why didn't I think of that? |
If holiday cards come addressed to the tenants who were here 6 years ago, it's okay to pretend they're for me, right? |
"If you consume 3 alcoholic beverages a day consult your Dr. before taking this." Okay, well, these 7 are the first I've had all week so |
Dear white girl trying to sing like Mariah, please get the fuck out of my store before I'm forced to hurt you. Thanks and happy holidays. |
I think I'm going to get someone fired today. |
@Tony_D I thought we had a good time at the prom! |
From now on whenever I read the fortune from a fortune cookie I'm gonna end it with "on Twitter" instead of "in bed." |
@alinasmith UNFOLLOW. |
@RhodesTer @nudememphis Is it possible to act sick or is it possible for me to be more bitchy and sarcastic? Oh. Nevermind. I get it. |
Coworker said to me "If you're sick, start acting sick," not knowing that for me "acting sick" means being even more bitchy and sarcastic. |
It is really a goddamned miracle that I did not kill anyone today. Also, I'm wearing legwarmers. So there. Amen. Love Nicole. |
That's it. For the rest of the day I'm sneezing on anyone who whines. |
Whoa. Michael Phelps has some serious eyebrows. Dude, just because the olympics are over doesn't mean you can stop waxing *everything.* |
Last night the new guy drove 2 hours to eat the dinner I cooked. I asked my roommate if that is creepy but he said it's "romantic." Okay. |
Favrd's down. Guess I can leave the house now. |
Oh that's the oldest excuse in the book. "I'm not crying, I just got toothpaste in my eye." Whatever. |
My kidneys hurt. Is that bad? |
Sorry, sorry. Sorry to keep you all in suspense. But I couldn't tweet about date #2 while he was still here! |
They're not so much "Magic Cookie Bars" as they are "Gooey Lumps of Deliciousness." |
And today is Bad Breath Close Talker Day at Craft Company. Peace, good will, and BRUSH YOUR FUCKING TEETH BEFORE YOU GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING. |
