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If holiday cards come addressed to the tenants who were here 6 years ago, it's okay to pretend they're for me, right? 7:40 AM Dec 12th from web |
"If you consume 3 alcoholic beverages a day consult your Dr. before taking this." Okay, well, these 7 are the first I've had all week so 8:16 PM Dec 11th from web |
Dear white girl trying to sing like Mariah, please get the fuck out of my store before I'm forced to hurt you. Thanks and happy holidays. 9:15 AM Dec 11th from txt |
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From now on whenever I read the fortune from a fortune cookie I'm gonna end it with "on Twitter" instead of "in bed." 1:41 PM Dec 10th from web |
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Coworker said to me "If you're sick, start acting sick," not knowing that for me "acting sick" means being even more bitchy and sarcastic. 7:37 AM Dec 10th from web |
It is really a goddamned miracle that I did not kill anyone today. Also, I'm wearing legwarmers. So there. Amen. Love Nicole. 6:32 PM Dec 9th from web |
That's it. For the rest of the day I'm sneezing on anyone who whines. 11:52 AM Dec 9th from web |
Whoa. Michael Phelps has some serious eyebrows. Dude, just because the olympics are over doesn't mean you can stop waxing *everything.* 5:41 AM Dec 9th from web |
Last night the new guy drove 2 hours to eat the dinner I cooked. I asked my roommate if that is creepy but he said it's "romantic." Okay. 5:32 AM Dec 9th from web |
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Oh that's the oldest excuse in the book. "I'm not crying, I just got toothpaste in my eye." Whatever. 12:06 PM Dec 8th from web |
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Sorry, sorry. Sorry to keep you all in suspense. But I couldn't tweet about date #2 while he was still here! 3:39 PM Dec 7th from web |
They're not so much "Magic Cookie Bars" as they are "Gooey Lumps of Deliciousness." 11:04 AM Dec 7th from web |
And today is Bad Breath Close Talker Day at Craft Company. Peace, good will, and BRUSH YOUR FUCKING TEETH BEFORE YOU GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING. 9:17 AM Dec 6th from web |