I like the new holiday Gap ad, only I wish Janelle Monae's thighs could be purchased as earmuffs. about 16 hours ago from txt |
"Have your dog photographed with Santa!" I have no idea why there aren't more dog mauling deaths in this country. 11:35 AM Dec 5th from txt |
For Dummies Books For Dummies: bullet points, confusing comics, high price tag, mascot cartoon with possible thyroid problem, yellow. 11:22 PM Dec 4th from txt |
Convinced him to role play that I was a one night stand. The sex isn't boring, I just want an awkward, free breakfast. 7:42 AM Dec 4th from txt |
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Things hip by proxy now that the red-and-black checkered pattern is cool to the kids: lumberjacks, pizzeria tablecloths, the Purina logo. 10:11 AM Dec 3rd from txt |
Women love self-involved assholes. It's either helpful or an insult when you figure that out over a year into a relationship with a girl. 8:45 AM Dec 3rd from txt |
Automatic airport sinks were designed by a slapstick afficianado, a water-phobe, or E. coli bacteria. 6:38 PM Dec 2nd from txt |
Oklahomans stare at me because they've never seen a girl simultaneously lacking in hairspray, breasts, a baby, Virginia Slims, and lipstick. 11:05 AM Dec 2nd from txt |
Bound & Determined and Art School Slut are both expensive porn DVDs and an accurate description of my freshman year RA. 12:29 PM Dec 1st from txt |
Dammit. "November Rain" won't have the same dramatic impact now that it's seasonally inaccurate. Somebody pass me a Dr. Pepper. 11:15 AM Dec 1st from txt |
If there were a webcam in my shower, it would launch a genre: voyeur slapstick. Every time I shave my snatch I fall and smack my head. 11:01 AM Nov 30th from txt |
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Why doesn't somebody just integrate wild polar bears into ice hockey? That would generate interest. Same goes for New Jersey. 2:23 PM Nov 28th from txt |
I ain't country. Okies talk about pump jacks, cattle brands, and ranch hands, and I think they mean porn, shopping, and dismemberment. 7:14 AM Nov 28th from txt |
Now if only they could find a way to integrate Pepto Bismol into pie, I would truly have something to be thankful for. 9:07 PM Nov 27th from txt |
The one good thing about being in the South is that the men ejaculate marinade. 12:28 AM Nov 27th from txt |
Polite silence with elderly Southern strangers teaches us that dinosaurs were actually mistranslated fairy-tale dragons and Jell-O is tasty. 2:17 PM Nov 26th from txt |
I think I like Oklahoma because its horizon is the only thing on Earth that's flatter than my chest. 9:42 AM Nov 25th from txt |
Space on that flight was so limited, while adjusting my seat I accidentally finger-banged a stewardess. 1:25 PM Nov 24th from txt |