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(Any trans followers outraged at the previous joke's implications - _please_ understand that I'm being ironic. Probably.) |
Lazytwitter: I keep getting followed by these "hottest chicks on twitter" accounts. So. How do I tell them that they're technically gay? |
It's a sad state of affairs when a $40 "gift experience card" can morally oblige you to visit a volcano. Anyway- Merry Christmas, Mum! |
Sure, you hear a lot about the Kraken _waking_. But does he make the bed when he's done? No. He fucking doesn't. |
People say sunrises are not as pretty as sunsets. They have never been chased by vampires. |
Just saw the pilot doing coke in the bathroom. He did "here comes the airplane!" though, so you can tell he cares about his job. |
The middle-aged, overweight dance/ballet teacher. Cliché, stereotype, or archetype? |
Her: My vagina doesn't have a *personality*. Me: Sure it does. If you prick it, does it not bleed? Or even if you don't! |
I don't know what I like more; making these cheese sandwiches, or eating them. Or Batman. |
Her: "Malcolm Gladwell is *not* determining when our child is born." Me: "No. His _book_ is." |
Her: What is our rule about shtick in the morning?
Me: *Sigh* No shtick in the morning |
Back from 'Role Models'. Elizabeth Banks is too pretty to be the lawyer. She'd be, like, an actress or som- Ohhhhhhhhhhh. |
McCain has eight houses, but none of them feel like home. It's just not the same without the bamboo. |
'Emotional IQ Test' foisted upon me by @clapifyoulikeme has revealed nothing. Maybe should have been more honest. About that hobo I killed. |
I sometimes wonder why all those pretty waitresses aren't doing something else. Then this one gets me Caesar, not Ranch, and I know. I know. |
Banging on roof next-door. No-one should build things before 11. I may expand this theory to cover hours 12, 1, 2, 3 and 4. ...And 5. |
Hey, you wanna buy a car? Company? |
Guys? Could a bunch of you follow @clapifyoulikeme, please? Seriously, she's withholding sex 'til she hits 300. Send help. |
If your name is Orville Redenbacher, you really only have 2 choices: sell popcorn, or make a wager to travel the globe in a blimp. |
Abby just balked at my mention of the "New" Testament. Or maybe it was my bacon sandwich. ...Or my swastika. |
