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Donald Sutherland's hair looks like that of a shih tzu that's frolicked thru mud....and it's on his lip. |
Waiter: u might have more fun if u move upstairs to the group. Me: I hate people. Waiter: oh...sorry |
I just realized that if I were to leave a suicide note, it could only be "lol" |
Can someone write me a virus to send the BCS computers? I'm looking for the digital version of a kick in the beanbag. |
I'm dressed like a hobo on black Fri & am being treated like tyra in the fat suit. Touché world. |
How can other countries hate us when we have a formal presidential ceremony for pardoning turkeys on thxgiving? We're cool, right? |
wrote a blog post laying out twitter commandments on denuology.com: http://tinyurl.com/5ujulz |
Gentlemen: under no circumstances put on jeans from the trunk of ur car...parked in Chi winter. Really. Don't. |
athletes should pay celebrities to choreograph their celebrations. that one's on the house, NFL. |
Too intoxicated to fly? I hate u southwest. |
Stranger said "sorry" when they heard my voice like I had a disability. I'm a vegas cliché. |
Lady luck let me get to second, but this morning I confirmed her phone # was a fake. |
@tkrieg Stephen Colbert! |
ok, I solved the homeless problem. Make them hybrid cab drivers. You're welcome world. |
Professional hilight of day: raised hand while someone was talking (&talking) so they'd stop... It worked. |
dear barack, stop asking for money. it's on you now, playa. love, saneel |
Sitting next to Malcolm gladwell. Considering challenging him to a debate. Any subject recos? |
"you look like a guy that can judge if a girl wants to pee in that bathroom" ain't a compliment. |
I didn't realize NEone ever showed up at someone's house half an hour b4 party except in The Office |
The National is playing as soundtrack at Obama rally. Off to a gr8 presidency |
